Are You Too Helpful?

Sometimes it's better to receive

Sadly, the people who are the most giving are often the least appreciated. In fact, the "compulsively helpful" are usually worse than unappreciated - they can be resented and taken for granted! Frequently, they're also disrespected and not valued despite their seemingly selfless contributions of energy and time. How do you know if you fit this bill?

Test yourself
Here are some telltale signs you suffer from being too helpful:

1. Has anyone recently said to you: "Oh, stop it. I can take care of this myself?" or "You're spoiling him?" or "You're teaching them to be helpless?" or "It's their life, let them make their own mistakes?"

2. Do you sometimes seethe with anger when your friends or loved ones don't do what you think they should, after all you've done for them?

3. Do you pride yourself on having the strength to keep giving and giving?

4. Would you ever describe yourself as compulsively giving?

5. Do you sometimes think you know better than your loved ones what's good for them?

If you've answered "yes" to even one of the above questions, you've got a problem. Worse, it's a problem that pretty much guarantees you won't be treated well by others.

Why?
Because deep down you may be using "giving" as a way of not dealing with your own life or your own dreams. Also, it can be a way of disguising from yourself your desire to control and interfere with others. You may believe you're just being helpful when you're perceived as having unacknowledged motives. This explains why sometimes you get betrayed after having given to others for quite awhile. In a passive-aggressive way others may be showing you that your giving may not be nearly as selfless as you imagine.

Recognize that you get a lift from giving; in fact, it may be a quiet power-grab on your part. Imagine for a moment, having a date with someone who not only opens the door and pulls out your chair for you, but also hands you your napkin, orders for you, and reaches over to wipe your mouth while you eat. You'd be furious. You'd feel insulted at how you were being treated, because no one likes being treated like an incompetent or as a child. Yet, your own giving may actually be a means of being "one-up" on others, making you feel needed and useful, while making others feel undermined, or insulted and eventually resentful.

Stop!
When you start to feel that growing urge to jump right in and help, resist the impulse. Take yourself physically away from the phone, computer or office, or wherever you're about to spring into action. Interrupt the cycle, go for a walk, get a cup of coffee, go to the supply closet and straighten it… it doesn't really matter what you do as long as it gets you moving and disrupts the "compulsive" part of your reaction.

Turn the focus of your energy back onto yourself. It's harder if you're a parent, since your children's birth you've been programmed to put others first. Remember, the happiest children are those with clear, defined limits - a child that is the center of his parent's lives is an unhappy, often unpleasant child. Teaching your children that you have interests of your own will make them grow into interesting people who pursue their own dreams and encourage others. If you're not a parent, but are a compulsive giver, you may be subject to similar overweening impulses. In both cases your emotional health depends on you putting yourself square in the middle of your own life.

Have faith
Trust that others can and should run their own lives without your help - or interference. If you really love someone it's really the most loving and kind thing to let them learn their own lessons in life. We learn quickest from our own mistakes and become more responsible and responsive to our own lives when we earn consequences from our actions.

To really live your fullest life, to really be embraced by the wholehearted love of others, you have to let go. If you can call your behavior "controlling" it may be easier to stop this destructive habit, because usually compulsive givers really do want the best for others.

Now, it's time to let your dreams begin to breathe again while you let others find their own path to their lessons, dreams and life purpose.