Sex Q&A: Stop Burying Your True Sexual Self

Will Anyone Spark Her Desires?

Meg from Pasadena, California asks:

Greetings Liam,

We spoke a few years ago about my curiosity and endeavors in the world of hot wives, cuckolding and polyamorous relationships. I was experimenting with that particular lifestyle at the suggestion of a man I was in love with. Well, after playing loosely in that scene, I found I really didn’t want that type of relationship after all. It was fun but I need(ed) the emotional connection with my partner. I also realized that the only person I wanted to pursue that type of relationship with was in fact “Mr. B.” (He moved across country.) It took me a while to draw my own conclusion that that lifestyle wasn’t for me, but I finally did!

Now my problem is finding someone who I can have a one-on-one relationship with. I’ve met plenty of great guys and they are attracted to me but sadly, for some reason I’m not attracted to them. On a side note, I’ve become attached to a pen pal for over a year now, but I honestly don’t know if we’ll ever meet. After having great sexual chemistry in the past, I’m so uninspired now just finding a great guy to date. I took off almost a year from the dating scene to concentrate on making myself better physically and emotionally. Now I still feel uninspired. What am I doing wrong? Am I setting my expectations too high trying to find somebody that sparks my desires? Should I continue my correspondence with my long-distance friend? Your insights would be appreciated.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Meg. I do indeed remember you and your introduction to certain alternative lifestyles through your association with Mr. B. The problem with that whole scenario was that while Mr. B had an interest in those lifestyles, he lacked the emotional maturity needed to be effectively involved in such a relationship. Thus you found yourself very drawn to those alternative options without a trusted partner with whom to explore them. You tried to become involved on your own after Mr. B left, but encountered a world that isn’t really made for “singles” or people who are out simply looking for dates. So now you feel alienated and that has made you decide that these lifestyles aren’t your cup of tea after all. Worse, you claim to be turning away from nontraditional sexual options in favor of more traditional ones because the latter offer more emotional attachment. That assessment isn’t fair and you know it.

Evidence strongly indicates that people involved in the lifestyle choices you mention actually have far better communication skills and relationship connections than their vanilla counterparts. I believe the last time we spoke the hope was for you to find other people interested in long-term commitments as well as the same sort of sexual expressions as yourself and this appears to be the point at which you’re still stuck. You need to find the partner first and allow the lifestyle choices to develop with time and frank communication. At least that’s the ideal.

Please don’t try and bury your natural sexual inclinations just because you haven’t found the perfect partner to join you in the dance. By your own admission, if Mr. B was still around you’d be making the scene with him right now. What we need to do is find you another Mr. B—a better Mr. B—one who has his proverbial “stuff” together. The first thing to do is forget about scenes and lifestyles and whether stuff is “traditional” or not. Just move forward finding people to talk to, like your pen pal.

Personally I despise the whole “looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend” thing because it reeks of desperation. You have never been a desperate person and I don’t want to see you become one now. Whatever you do, don’t approach any situation with thoughts of making something a “relationship” from the start. Just get to know people. Do a lot of talking and make a lot friends. If you find groups or clubs inclined to alternative sexual lifestyles where single people are welcome to hang out, so much the better. Just make sure you’re honest from the start and let people know that while alternative lifestyles are very interesting to you, you’re also limited in that exploration.

The trick will be to find a guy who is as curious as you are and has the emotional maturity to explore those options with you as a couple. It doesn’t matter if he has no prior experience with it. All we really need him to have is an open mind.

The people who make up the communities you mention are, for the most part, people who were in long-term relationships and decided together to expand the expression of their relationship in some interesting ways. But trust has to be there first. And before we get trust, we need to have friendship. Don’t complicate things, Meg. And don’t define so much. Relax, enjoy people for what and who they are and in time, you will find what you seek.

Liam

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