Every evening I get calls from women concerned about a relationship gone bad. It seems to me that when we recognize a dysfunction in the male partner’s personality during that reading, the woman, being a matriarchal figure, will excuse all negative behavior “if the origins lie in the man’s childhood.” I feel as if the woman is saying to me “Yes, he was hurt, but I will never treat him like that!” And I know my client will be faithful to her word – but what she may not realize is that the closer she gets to being the epiphany of motherhood, or the mother figure, as in simply being “his woman,” the family dynamics from his past will start showing up in the current relationship. Disassociation begins even before marriage.
My mother and my grandmother Cora often took me to the side on this subject.
“Never try to fix a man,” my grandmother Cora would tell me. I remember my father (being a serious alcoholic), not thinking straight, would come to her double door sitting room and start yelling for my Mother and I. As we sat petrified, that eighty-year-old lady got right up and grabbed her umbrella which stood in a stand by her sitting room doors, and she beat the beer right out of that man. It always made me snicker, as my mother seemed so weak and helpless around him. He came back sober every time, apology in hand (in the form of roses) for Gran. In retrospect, I would have to say that the most helpful advice they gave me was to always look at a man’s relationship with his family, especially the mother-son relationship – because some day YOU will take her place, and you will be treated as he treats his mother, or pay for her sins against him.
There are rarely any exceptions to this rule, especially after you become his wife, and then the mother of his children. You will pay.
I am very concerned about the “poor you” attitude that runs rampant in modern relationships. We can’t make excuses for anyone’s bad behavior, even if the origin is in their childhood, as my father’s was. Yes, they were innocent, that’s what is so attractive to the matriarch and natural born healer within us. We need to work these situations out, not make excuses for someone’s past issues. These issues affect womankind as a whole. We need to start to heal this NOW!
My advice is to never take on a wounded man. I can say from many years of observation that as soon as he is healed he won’t need his nurse any longer. In the interim, though? He may destroy your life and the life of your children. In hindsight, many of my women are devastated that they didn’t see any of it coming. And yes, they were left behind to figure out what they did wrong.
My grandmother wasn’t trying to heal my father. She shut his bad behavior right down, in her presence, and to the best of his ability he would behave well around her. I guess that umbrella really hurt. But maybe it spoke, also, and what it said was “I won’t put up with that kind of behavior here!”
Many of my clients are left with PTSD. That term used to be associated with soldiers. A relationship is formed on peaceful ground, and should remain there. Women need to take back their power. Our own healing will help heal the world.
If you need assistance, please call anyone here at California Psychics. We’re here for you. “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
6 thoughts on “Never Try to Fix a Man”
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Darcy, you are absoulutely Right! I tried to fix 2 ex-husbands that had major ‘trama’ from their childrhoods from the mothers. I paid dearly in the form of both physical and emotional abuse. And I finallly got a diagnosis of PTSD 2 years ago. It all made so much sense; just about 27 years late. Thank you for writing about this! I hope it helps some woman before they get in too deep; or help someone who doesn’t have answers or their strength backi.
HUGS,
Coreen
Hey Maryanne,
I totally agree! Change can never be forced, and someone “changing” for someone else never lasts. In this capacity, it’s most beneficial to examine our own roles in the situation and start with US…should a change be needed. Many times relationships are imbalanced because of both participants, though those involved sometimes fail to take responsibility for his or her own part, instead blaming it solely on the other person. We need balance when it comes to thoughts, feelings, and relationships. My advice: Start with yourself and widen your scope! =)
Many Blessings~
Giovanna x5214
Hi, Darcy and Giovanna,
“How much energy we spend being hurt and disappointed….” Wow! What a powerful reminder there are better ways to spend our energy.
Darcy, thank you for a very on point article. I personally feel that while all of us here at CP do our very best to empower our clients, uplift them, and illuminate their path, that it is never a good idea in our personal lives for any of us to try to change anyone-male or female. It really is tilting at windmills.
Sincerely,
Maryanne
Ext. 9146
Darcy, I love the article and your Gram’s spirit!! I would agree wholeheartedly that yes, way too many excuses are made for our partners based on their upbringing. My husband and I were actually raised in the same kind of household with the same kind of fathers and mothers, yet we are very different in our communication and coping mechanisms. He is overly laid back and will let people (friends, our kids, and at work) run right over him until he reaches a breaking point. Me, on the other hand…well I am very much like your grams, shutting bad behaviors down at the first sign (though I have never hit anyone with an umbrella ;). It drives me nuts sometimes when he tries to make excuses for things “because” of…blah, blah, blah…LOL!
In our life together, my hubby and I are at a kind of role reversal; I take the traditionally male oriented outward role where my husband takes the more passive, inward route. A lot of people we know (and that know me) are shocked that, for lack of a better phrase, I am so highly male-oriented energy and response-wise as a personality because its a RARITY. I also spend the majority of my life working with others to make changes they need. Nonetheless, I had to do a lot of healing and work on my self to be the way I am and I respond fiercely to support and empower the underdog and anyone who is not embracing their power and being treated like dirt. It’s not supposed to be that way!!
Through my work as a therapist, transformational life coach, and work on the line, I make it my business to empower women and men as they are ready. Empowerment changes lives, and with a shift in perspective we can save our future, creating something new, positive, and that nurtures and supports who we are.
Women like your grams are memorable. They are unique, strong spirited and get right to the point. Women and men alike need more strong role models in today’s society. As I tell my callers, change begins with you, and it’s true. One strong response to a situation has the ability to create a whole new direction, though sometimes the first step is the hardest. It’s important not to give up or lose hope, and we can keep our motivation for positive change by simply reminding ourselves how much energy we spend being hurt and disappointed. We can use much LESS energy charting a new course that actually benefits us (and the other person if we choose to keep them around)!