Love With Healthy Boundaries
Here are some tools to help you practice tough love; that is, love that has healthy boundaries, love that can help them see their harmful behavior, instead of enabling them to continue in these negative patterns! These are great tools to use if you’re stressed out and worried about how to make ends meet AND support an adult child, someone who has addiction issues, or simply someone just not pulling their weight.
First of all, it’s time to face it yourself! Really look at the situation. If it helps, write down the different ways that their behavior is negatively affecting your life. This is not for them; it’s the wake-up call for you. This honest look at how you are being harmed by them will help inspire you to do the “tough” part: making boundaries and sticking to them! Before you act, really be sure. Look at everything they could offer that they already do to help out, or try and compensate for what they don’t do, and figure that into the equation. Be clear in your intention: what, when and how the boundaries will take effect for them. Get more personalized advice, contact a psychic today!
If you have an issue with someone that ignores your attempts to discuss the matter, you may need to create actions that will get their attention: a lock on the refrigerator door, a notice of your intention for them to MOVE OUT within 30 days, with a clear list of how the belongings and personal items will be packed up, the changing of locks. These are drastic actions for drastic situations. Just know you are not helping them by letting them lean so heavily on you… that you are harmed!
Now arrange a meeting time: a family meeting, a shared meal or cup of coffee, something that you can tell them in advance “I would like to talk to you.” Make it clear and not a guessing game, do not hint, make sure they know this is to talk and that you are not willing to speak about it until then (I’ll tell you why in a minute). Make sure it’s clear when and where this will take place, and if they act like they won’t go, or you believe they could blow it off, tell them that if that is the case “some things will happen whether you know about them or not, so it’s best to come and find out.”
Prepare yourself for action. Once you are on this path, it’s clear that you must keep your emotional momentum going! You cannot falter or weaken; it is the same thing as defeat. These folks survive by using that against you—for some reason their survival mode is set to take advantage of loving help. You need to be strong, set boundaries AND follow through with each and every step. They will use whatever skills they have to try and impose guilt… do not accept it! This is for their own good as well, and time will show that they will grow in becoming responsible for their own lives.
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12 thoughts on “Tough Times Require Tough Love!”
This advise could not have come at a better time! I am dealing with my 42 yr old sister who has been an addict all her life. She lost her husband 2yrs ago and her dependancy on me has increased. She has lived with me several times and 8 other people in the last 2 yrs. She had a dui,including a terrible accident that Im shocked she lived through last yr! Lost her license and car and has no job,no where to live etc! Last move out I had her set to go into rehab inhouse with counseling and job placement and she was agreeable,until she talked to drug friends. She then bakslid and will not go . She told me she would rahter be homeless! I have felt such gulit over not letting her come back to live with me and trying to navigate the waters of letting her grow up. We have aweful winters and have spent many sleepless nights worring about her. She is not homeless but living with yet another sucker until they get used up! sickening!!!
I told my binge drinking boyfriend very nicely, that if he wants to drink then I won’t be able to be around him, its his choice. He has stopped drinking. He knows the score.
This is for anyone with a bf or husband with porn addiction. I went through it with my bf. But I let him know right off the bat that I don’t approve of that. I told him straight how porn makes me feel. He ended up sneaking it and deleting the history. So I confronted him and he said he would stop because I would check his email and see stuff from porn sites. Then he made up a new email that I wouldn’t know about and I found it and confronted, threatening to leave him. He felt remorse and knew what he did. You have to get him to man up to his problems. Then he didn’t want to lose me so I told him I would put parental controls on and he agreed he even let me put it under my own password. He is still under it and he doesn’t want it taken off cause he wants to feel protected. I know that the man has to accept responsibility for his actions and confess. Once you have that set the scare of leaving. Then give him an option…..parental control. A real man will let you do it especially if he really does love you. It helps if you admit that you have problems too so he don’t think your ganging up on him or making him feel low. But importantly remind him that he is loved no matter what.
Im facing this with my porn addict bf,but due to long distance at the beginning it was hard to make a point with tough love. Now it feels too late even tho we live together now 🙁
I dnt no wat to do anymore? Im suffering on every level & none of my ultimatums work. Wen im hard, hes harder!
I’m going through it with 2 of my childhood friends and it comes easy after being extremely insulted…
iam living this problem with my husband. he doesn’t understand that his negative behavior is harmful to my heath.
I’m sure this is for grown adult men too, such as the one we sleep with and deal with on a higher levels. The ones that want their cake & eat it 2? I’m just saying what kind of suggestions or tactics can a true woman use to cure this nonsense?
I’m facing this problem with my husband…. boundaries….. hard to keep it, not to falter , tough love…..
VERY wise advice !!!!
To let that behavior go unchecked is actually not helping them, but enabling them to continue to behave that way.
I am an ardent reader of your daily horoscope and newsletter on a daily basis, however I have not been receivng any e-mails from you since January 19, 2012.
Please let me know why. Thanks.
Cynthia Phillip
Tough love is the only way.Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Thank for this Yemaya…..I am facing this problem with my 26 yr old daughter…..