Red Responds: Listening to Her Head Instead of Her Heart

Dearest Red,

In the past I paid for following my heart. Now I seem to be stuck by following my head. (I see the irony here.) I have 2 men in my life. The first was an instant connection of chemistry, lifestyle, likes and humor. His situation when we met made it impossible for him to pursue (no, not married), but now he has declared his love. For a long time, he never let on, he was always close but never let me see, says he tried to fight it because he didn’t have what he thought I shold be given.

The second man has always told me he loved me, has a beautiful heart and I respect all that he is — solid, always there for me. The second man is much more conservatve than I am and we have different views on drinking (he never has and never will) as well as male/female friendship. Each path goes in different directions. I do not wish to hurt anyone or myself. Please help me to see the forest for the trees. My heart and mind tell me completely different things.

Confused in Sacremento

Dear Confused,

Each man, and each relationship, definitely has it’s own unique strengths and weakness. They all do. If you could blend these two guys into one, you’d be pretty happy with the result. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

If it is truly the forest you wish to see, then what you need to do is quit fearing the unknown and choose to embrace it instead. While each of these men do love you in their own ways, and you have different levels of feeling for each of them on different levels and criteria; you are not actually in love with either of them. Big red flag there relative to who to toss, who to keep, and what is the best way to proceed. The first step is to quit fearing that you will end up forever alone, because you won’t. But you also need to realize, even though I don’t see it around you, you would be just fine on your own.

I can’t make up your mind for you. I’m also questioning if now is really the time for you to make that choice.

What I can tell you is the first guy makes you feel alive, but you definitely would be flying without a net with him. It’s a high-energy connection where everything feels like all-or-nothing. There’s a lot of passion and laughter, and could be quite an adventure for the spirit. But there is also a lack of stability and the tendency to bring challenges into you life, because responsibility falls to the wayside. If you’re up for the challenges and understand that it’s not going to be an easy ride with the mundane aspects in life, then there is potential here. You could love this man, if you let yourself, but I don’t see happily-ever-after being the ending to this story.

The second guy seems to fit your definition of “right”, which I translate into “safe”. Mr. White-Picket-Fence here has a lot to offer in terms of acceptance from the outside world, stability in the mundane things, and he would take care of you. But he also wants to change you. In some ways, even though he loves the person that you are, he wants to “fix” you. Life may flow a bit easier here, especially in the responsibility/material realm, but do you really want to let your spirit to continue dying this slow strangulating death? Maybe for now, but not indefinitely. While you may want to love him, there’s always seems to be a “but”…

My advice to you is to enjoy each man and each relationship for what it is. Ultimately, where your head and heart are in agreement is that while there could be a future, each future is lacking in something that is very important to you. When you do meet the right guy, your heart will recognize him and your head will agree.

Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226