Sex Q&A: Increase Your Sexual Confidence

Sarah Jane from South Hamilton, Massachusetts asks:

I’m not sure of my path. I’m a very sexual being. My figure, frame and face are generally considered cute and appealing. I don’t feel that the creator (deity) would have given me an appealing figure if it wasn’t meant to be enjoyed.

I’m able to please myself with no problem. But when I’m with a partner, I can’t seem to relax enough. I seem to meet partners who want to control and possess me or who only want to share my sex and not any part of the rest of me.

I’m considering just being celibate. Sex with a partner has never really done anything for me. I just don’t see a reason to share it with anyone else. I hate dating and generally prefer that people not touch me. But I’m human and it’s a part of human nature to crave companionship. We are social beings. We would not survive without others.

I’m at a point where I’m very closed off. I have only a few people close to me and keep others out at all costs. Even some of those close to me tell me the know that there are parts of me that I have never shared.

I’m just not sure how to reach my potential. I’m certain that “Oh My Goddess!!!!” sex that people talk about must exist, but I just don’t know how to find it. Maybe I’m not meant to find it in this life… Not sure if you have any guidance, but I hope an honest perspective might help.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Sarah Jane, and thank you for being so candid. You seem to have a thorough understanding of your own thoughts and feelings regarding this matter. Introspection is always a very good thing, but there comes a point when internal analysis becomes totally counterproductive… it becomes neurosis. Our culture has made a mess of many powerful and pleasurable mechanisms and female orgasm is no exception. Physically, you have been custom designed to climax, and in its primal form that simple expression is among the most elegant in the known universe. But it seems the simpler something actually is the greater the drive we have to complicate it.

I detect an enormous amount of contradiction in your narrative… which is a good thing and I applaud you for it. When there is contradiction and irony in someone’s words, I know that at least they are making an attempt at honesty. Humans are creatures of extremes because paradox is the only way any sort of relative understanding ever exists. You speak easily of celibacy, and I will tell you that there would be absolutely nothing wrong with choosing it as a life path if I truly believed it was your desire. But I don’t. It’s obvious to me that you want pleasure, indeed you can and do give yourself pleasure… You’re just not sure how to go about it with other people. Situations like this are not uncommon in people who have suffered sexual abuse. In cases like that, trust and defensive responses are often the culprit. In your case, however, I think the problem lies in your concept of partnerships and your expectations of others. You seem to feel yourself apart from, and if truth be told somewhat above, other people. You’re also a bit of a perfectionist who has completely failed to realize that no one is perfect, including yourself.

You say some men want to possess you, so you cannot climax with them. Then you say others care little about you as a person, so you can’t climax with them either. Neither situation seems to suit you. Fact is, many women climax like crazy with very possessive men. And a lot of them have delirious orgasms with bad boys who don’t give a damn about them. So what makes you so different? What makes you different is that you tell yourself that you’re different. You’re more selective. You don’t like dating, and no one should touch you. What you’re saying is, you’re better than most other folks and no man is really worthy of you. Your failure to orgasm with partners has many layers, but one basic reason is that, on some level, you are withholding it. You don’t want any man bringing you to that point because then he might get the idea he’s on your level. Most men pride themselves on the pleasure they give and you use that as a power play, setting your pleasure up as an unreachable goal.

I sense how nervous you are in the bedroom. You over think what’s happening and decide what’s wrong with your lover before the lights even go out. With all of that mental activity blazing away, it’s no wonder you can’t relax. Pleasure requires a simple flow of mind and flesh… That means the mental chatter needs to stop, allowing instinct to usurp intellect. For a lot of people, that’s not easy. To make a stab at it, I suggest you find a sport, a very arduous one, and start training. Suffering and sweat breaks the mind wide open, and yours is full of a lifetime of nonsense that needs cleared out. I also advise you to indulge in some activities that level that overblown sense self-importance you’ve been nurturing. Go wash dishes at a homeless shelter and don’t advertise the fact that you’re doing it. Take an interest in people for once without expecting them to take an interest in you. And when you start thinking that this problem or any other is so damned important that it demands all of your mind and energy… Go take a stroll through a children’s hospital.

Once you have control of your brain, strip yourself to the core on a sensual level. Eat natural. Bathe in cold-water streams if you can. Take a lot of walks through the woods. Forget about sex for awhile. Later, when the urge strikes, approach some fellow you find attractive and lure him to bed. And once you’re there, be what you are; a sweaty, meat-eating primate who moans and screams. Don’t worry about what he thinks, or gives, or does. Get what you want for yourself… for your body. This isn’t about being right, or being wrong. Gentle strokes get us nowhere fast, and you’re tougher than that.

Liam

Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.