Do Women Want Nice Guys?

Bob C. from San Diego, CA asks:

Dear Tansy,

I’ve read some of the things you have written for California Psychics, so I thought I’d ask you about my problem. Although you seem to write mostly about women’s problems, I thought you could maybe help me with this.

My wife of ten years left me, and our two children, last year. She said that she was bored with me and our marriage, and wanted a more exciting life. She started living with some guy she met in a bar right away. She hardly ever wants to see the kids, and says she is too busy. I always helped her with the housework and the children, and do hold a steady job.

The problem was, she said that I was a “nice” guy, but not exciting enough. I don’t know exactly what she meant. I always tried to take her out places she said she wanted to go to.

I am so depressed. Of course, with the kids and work I don’t have a lot of spare time but I would like to meet a nice lady. My ego is pretty much shot, though, because I’m thinking now that somehow I should be more exciting, that maybe I wouldn’t have enough to offer to a woman. I’m only in my 30’s, but I feel really down. Do you think there is a way I could meet a woman would who want to go out with me?

Dear Bob,

Where I live, if you took out an ad in the newspaper you would get at least 500 responses the first week. All would be women who would be thrilled to meet you (and buy your dinner on the first date). It’s not that there aren’t men here, it’s that there is a real scarcity of single men who are nice guys (the type that your ex-wife wasn’t able to appreciate). When you add in the part about helping with the kids and the housework… well!

It frequently happens that both men and women get married, have children and make a stable life – and then one decides that they would like more “excitement.” While new and different experiences are great, they can usually be found in a more productive, non-destructive manner. I wonder what type of guy your wife has taken up with – is he more exciting in that he is in and out of jail all the time? Does he like to argue and throw things? Is he unwilling to pay the rent until the day before he gets thrown out in the street? Or maybe he’s a lion-tamer for a living. Whatever the case may be, I can safely say that I see your ex-wife as unrealistic and immature. Grown-up people who have children usually devote themselves to having stable, nurturing lives, if at all possible.

I know you are really hurting, Bob. She obviously was unable to communicate what she felt the real problem between you was. Of course, she is not writing to me, you are, and I can only read from what I see that she just felt a certain something missing. But the fact that she felt the marriage was lacking does not fall on your shoulders – it takes two to make a successful marriage.

I see that you are indeed depressed, and it is not easy to hope for a better future in that frame of mind. It is always helpful, I believe, to go for counseling that will help you see yourself more objectively, as the good and unique person you are, and not as the failed husband that you believe yourself to be.

What I see would be good for you is to join a group or activity that meets at least once a week. Take your time getting to know more people (other men have single sisters!) Learn to once again enjoy yourself in something that lifts your heart. Once you feel a little bit happier, you will see that there are indeed many women who want to meet you and see you for the fine person that I know you to be.

Tansy Ext. 5289