Sex Q&A: Courage to Start Again

Sunaina asks:

There is a man I have yet to meet face-to-face. We’ve talked and e-mailed often for the past five years, and enjoy it. For the past eighteen years, my marriage has been dead with no sex or intimacy, much less anything else. I could walk out any day, except for the lack of finances. This long distance friendship has progressed very slowly. He has talked about making love to me, but has never taken any steps for us to meet. I am quite confused by his attitude. Do you have any ideas if I can do anything differently to increase his interest in me? Will we ever meet? If we do, will it be more than a casual meeting? Will it lead to love, sex, or nothing? He seems to have led quite a wild life in his younger days. Why is he afraid to meet me? I am reluctant to have sex until we spend time together and develop genuine feelings for one another. Many times, I have told him about my strong feelings for him. However, he is not always open with his feelings. I hope you can help and analyze my confusion, please.

Psychic Liam ext. 9290’s Response:

Greetings, Suaina. You know, if the human condition has any primary themes universal in application, it must be suffering and loneliness. We seek the warmth and oblivion in the essence of another, if only for a moment or two.

Make no mistake, you’re lonely because you’re afraid. In looking at your situation I see a marriage that is very troubled. Perhaps it should have been discarded long ago. You’re wise to know yourself, and to admit that financial struggle is not for you. As for this man you speak of, he’s nothing more than a symbol for something much more profound.

In reality, you don’t know what it is you want. In your confusion, you dream up images of this man and yourself, tacking repressed desires, sexual longings, hopes and affections unfulfilled on an abstract figure you know only through a computer. I think you do this because an image is no real threat, and because you are not at all ready to invoke the fire of passion. Those flames purify the soul, and unleash torrents of emotion deep within. None of it is anything you’re ready to endure.

Your friend senses your confusion. Also, he senses that you act from a state of desperation. You aren’t passionate about him at all. You’re tired and needy. He likes you – at least what he knows of you. He is well aware of the hesitancy in your response to him. You say you want to foster real feelings before you have sex. Yet, in the same breath you admit that you already have strong feelings for him. He knows you’re playing games. You make excuses for your situation, and take no action to live in the moment.

A woman in love cannot taste enough of her lover’s breath in her mouth. She cannot hold enough of his flesh in her hands. Is this how you feel about your friend? He knows you’re not really serious about him. You’re just bored and frightened. So he pulls away. There is no reason for him to invest himself emotionally in someone who is not only married, but probably not going to change that fact any time soon.

If you altered your methods and took the scary leap, I sense you could have this man. Indeed, you could win him easily. To what end? That’s what would happen. To be bored again in a short while, the same way you are now? That’s what would happen. The fact is, what you really want isn’t this man. It isn’t your husband either. What you really want is an emotional connection – one ripe with vitality. An essence of life and interaction you haven’t felt in many years.

Here’s a tip for you. That thing you seek – you aren’t going to find it unless you come to know it within yourself. It’s an old adage, and I’ve stated it here in this column over and over in a myriad of forms. The self is the starting point. It’s also the ending point. Like so many people, you have sacrificed your sacred nature on the battlefield of modern existence. What you seek is the nourishment of a forgotten tribe.

Go out and find real friends. I know you feel you have nothing to offer in friendship that anyone would be interested in, but you’re wrong. Join a book discussion group at the local library.

To reconnect to emotions of any sort, you have to accept pain. So find out how you’re avoiding pain right now. You act indifferent and make your husband a villain. His rejection has nearly killed you, and the wound is desperate. Stop fighting this hurt. It is yours. Weep for all the life that has been taken from you. Afterwards, go out and make a new one. Go to the movies. Take long walks and talk to yourself. Write letters to dear friends you haven’t seen in decades. You’ve forgotten what a gift life is, both in sorrow and in joy.

As for your friend, keep him as a friend. It’s enough. Your own emotions and passions will begin reconnecting. Don’t be afraid to share them with the others your new path will take you past. In time, you may just meet this man after all, but right now you’re the one who really isn’t ready. He might come to help you understand your buried sensual self if you let him. You will never feel the way you should if you don’t open yourself to all the life around you. Begin at once.

Liam