Stop Trying to Change Me!

Starting a new relationship is exciting and energizing. Life appears brighter, the future holds more promise, and the everyday details that we deal with no longer drag us down. The new relationship offers many benefits, but often demands much in return. A different person is around us now, and we quite often find ourselves changing to accommodate this person, so that all is in harmony.

Callers to California Psychics often ask us what we see as the future for themselves and this new person, and if it will also lead to anything permanent. Sometimes they also ask if a change in their own behavior is necessary. They want to know if it’s better to meet the expectations of the other person by doing as he requests, to make adjustments in themselves.

Let me tell you what I usually see for these people who call… In the majority of instances, the changing of certain behaviors, certain facets of the personality and the suppression of various expectations will not lead to a happy and permanent relationship. Becoming a different person is not what leads to success. Hope may spring eternal, but replacing the cap on the toothpaste is just about the most we should expect to change in another’s behavior.

I had a caller who wanted to know what would happen if she acted differently in a certain area, if she quit having expectations of her lover that he just couldn’t seem to fulfill, and if she could conform to his expectations. Would the relationship succeed? Would this lead to a harmonious partnership?

I told her that what was most important to consider, was if she really wanted this relationship, where she had to remake herself in many areas, and where she expected the other to do this, also? I saw that this remaking was virtually impossible to sustain, and anyway, why would she want a relationship where both parties had to morph into someone else to make it work? Why not just someone else who accepted and appreciated her as she was, as she could appreciate the other?

That’s usually when I’m told of all of the good qualities that the other has. These are itemized as “why things should work out for both.” But at the same time, the problems and differences are seen and they greatly outnumber the positives. Why are we so determined to take a potential partner that we are seemingly attracted to, and make him into someone else? One lady who called actually told me that her husband loved her for who she was, but he did want her to lose thirty pounds, go to a gym and dress differently! They had only been married for six months! I shudder to think of what this man would expect of her six years into the marriage.

With a few adjustments, people usually think the relationship will be perfect. Why should they look for someone who suits them at least 99% the way they are when it seems to be much easier to remake the one person they already know and have something in common with? If only the other would cooperate, be more assertive, get a better job, lose weight, stay out of jail, quit cheating with old girl/boy friends, be more communicative, be more patient, all would be well. You get the idea.

We are who we are, and growth comes when we are ready to accept it, not because another person thinks we need to be different. In the readings I do, the people I see behave as a result of many different factors – upbringing, religious background, mental and physical influences. They are molded by their past and their present. Multiple influences have come into play to make them into the beings that they are. These influences have molded them into a unique individual, one who is not duplicated in the entire world of over seven billion individuals.

We should all be appreciated for the unique works of art that we are. I am always amazed that there is never one caller the same as another. There has not been and never will be another person exactly like us. In going into a relationship, if we remind ourselves of this fact, we can look at the other with more appreciation. We can look at ourselves with the same appreciation and realize that we are the perfect match for many people in this world of over seven billion others, and should not attempt to remake ourselves into what the other may say they desire. We can learn to put the cap back on the toothpaste, if this makes for happiness in a relationship. Greater expectations from one, or both, are much harder to fulfill.