Red Responds: She Must Leave Him

Patty in Venice writes:

Dear Red,

I’m at the end of my rope, and I need your input terribly! I’m about ready to leave a two-year relationship with a man with whom I have lived. My gut feeling is he really does love me and is terribly sad that I am getting ready to part. And although I don’t want to leave, it must be done.

While he is a good man, this man is detached from most things in his life – including me and the bedroom. I’m so confused, because I can tell by the way he looks at me and things he says that he truly does care deeply for me. But from the first week we were together sexually I knew there was something wrong with him – a lack of interest.

He has a great personality, but backs away from intimacy. I have been extremely lonely and frustrated with him, though I “claim” to be so much in love… He has had many failed relationships with other women, I suspect the same problem. He spent 22 years in the Navy, and due to his odd behavior with women, my fear has always been that he is bisexual. He is also 10 years older than me.

Please, can you tell me anything to enlighten my fears? What am I missing here?

Thank you

Dear Patty,

This really is a sad breaking away, but you are right – it does need to be done. It is because he loves you that he will step back and silently watch you go. This is a man who knows you have more passion and life in you than what he is able to give. Above all, he wants you to be happy, and knows that your truest happiness isn’t with him.

Being that your decision to leave is made, his sexuality really shouldn’t matter. But, no, he is not bisexual. I can see why you have that question circling your brain, but this is just who he is. His military career really did suit him. Even though he is personable, he is quite reserved emotionally and physically. It is his personality that keeps him from being intimate on the communication plane, and a low libido that keeps him from being more passionate and intimate on the physical plane.

In many ways, this man is a loner. He does not interact with people, including women, in the same manner or capacity that is classified as “normal.” He does not experience the same needs and desires, therefore, he doesn’t feel the loss of that contact, bonding, and interaction.

It will take a certain kind of woman to have a lasting relationship with him – one who truly understands him because she is built the same way. I hope he eventually finds her, because he will heal and continue his search.

As for you, even though this relationship didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, you are a better and stronger person because of it. On the deeper levels, he touched you, healed you, and helped you to grow. But, it really is time for you to move on, and find a love and lover who understands and can meet your needs, and not hold you at bay.

Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226