This past January, my husband of 9-1/2 years admitted to having a three month affair with a girl 20 years his junior! After lying about the details at first, he confessed he had fallen in love with her. He said there was chemistry between them and that she adored him, something he felt was missing in our very comfortable, good relationship. We went for therapy. He kept saying it was over, then I would find out he was lying. He’s moved out of the house, stopped working and contributing financially. He loves our two young children, but aside from seeing them, is not really “taking care of them.” He says he loves me and wants to make it work, but I don’t “feel” the love and don’t see any major action on his part in the last six months. Do I have any other choice but to divorce him?
Signed,
Stuck in Marital Limbo
Dear Stuck,
Of course you have more choices – but would you want to exercise them? Here’s the bad news – your husband is in a full-blown mid-life crisis or depression. He’s not only seeing someone young enough to be his child, he’s repeatedly lied to you, and now he’s stopped being responsible to you or your children despite saying “he loves you.” Of course he and his teeny-bopper have chemistry – chemistry is cheap to come by, but responsibility and accountability in a full partner is not. You need to love yourself more than you love him by starting to date IMMEDIATELY. Let him know you’re not sitting around waiting for him. If he doesn’t get a job, start writing you fat checks, beg for your forgiveness, and ship his gal pal out of the country in the VERY near future, then please file for divorce. He’s stopped being a husband in every way anyway…
Get out there!
Carol
I haven’t even been married a year yet and already my husband is having an affair! What can a woman do at this point? I do everything to ensure that he’s happy. I try to please him in every way possible and still this is the result? I feel like calling it a day. I’m 20 and can’t understand – it’s not my age because we’re in the same age group. He’s just ungrateful. What should I do?
Signed,
In Newly-wedded Hell
Dear Newly-wedded,
Oh boy – I hope it was an inexpensive wedding! Either way, let’s consider it your dress rehearsal, shall we? Feeling like calling it a day is the appropriate response! Honey, it IS your age! You’re both children. He’s clearly NOT mature enough to be married, even if you are. Please STOP doing “everything to ensure he’s happy.” He’s doing plenty of that on his own! He isn’t being respectful of you or your relationship, and the more you do for him the less he’ll respect you. See my answer above – if he hasn’t begged on his hands and knees for another chance, and cut off all contact with the “other woman” (assuming there’s only one…) then pack up his stuff, keep all the wedding gifts for yourself, and get an annulment. Even the pope would take your side on this one! And promise me you won’t marry again until you find yourself a nice ADULT husband who you’re SURE you can trust – and that you’ll NEVER do EVERYTHING for a man again… except love him while loving yourself more.
Good luck!
Carol
