Dot’s question:
My husband of one year visited sex/dating/porn sites and had online sexual chats before we got married, and it continued after we wed. I did not know about it, and when I found out he said he would stop. A few months later, I found out he had been visiting porn sites almost every day for two or three hours a day. I made plans to leave, but he took me on a romantic night away, and said he would stop. A few months later I found out he responded to a spam chat request about hooking up with a hot chick. I consider all of this cheating since it takes away from our relationship. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it. He knows how I feel about it, because he tried to hide it from me. I have made plans once again to leave, but I do love him. I know he also loves me, but I don’t believe he will change. Should I go or should I stay? Are my emotions getting in the way so I can’t see the situation clearly? Am I being judgmental and unreasonable? I am a Christian, and I don’t think a husband should look at things like that. I believe wedding vows mean cleave only to each other in all ways.
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Dot. You know, I have to seriously ponder what motivated you to write me, of all people, with such an inquiry. If you have read any of my columns you know very well the avant-garde paradigm with which I conduct my operations. I believe your choice was both calculated and deliberate for when I look at your energy I find you neither masochistic nor naive. To be fair, I don’t believe you wrote in an attempt to foster controversy, and I think you really are perplexed and distraught. It seems to me you want to question many of your own beliefs, but fear the process is not even “allowable.” I think you want me to tell you that you’re wrong, repressed and backwards… Anything to make you angry enough at me to solidify your position to yourself. Like anything else that is formed in our minds, beliefs exist only by way of contrast. You feel yourself on shaky ground with yours, and you want me to take a contrary position so you can entrench yourself in your assumptions more firmly. That is what I think. What I know is that you’re really confused. That you really do have serious and debilitating control issues that are destroying not only your marriage, but your entire life. I’ve tackled the issue of pornography and husbands before. Your situation is nearly identical to other such inquiries, so instead of rehashing the same tired statements I’ve already made, let’s you and I just look at you from this point on.
I want you to make a thorough evaluation of your feelings, fears and frustrations as they relate to your current sexual value system. What do you really believe, and why do you believe it. Is it really “you” or an imposition from an outside source? Do you believe what you do by choice or out of fear? Be a rational judge, and make your own estimate. If it seems to you there are some problems lurking there in the dark, then re-examine your entire belief system from the ground up. If there’s something there you find you’re not comfortable with, consider the notion of change for your own sake. Don’t do this for your husband. It isn’t about him. He’s just a catalyst – a symbol of your current crisis. Sadly, he does think very highly of you, but he’s never going to change who he is. Certainly it isn’t unreasonable to expect him to refrain from contacting other women while the two of you have an expectation of monogamy. However, the innocuous act of viewing pornography in his private time is nothing you should be attempting to dictate or deny. If you stay, he will not change. If you cannot accept this, then my advice is to divorce him and openly seek someone who can share your beliefs. Understand however that while such men are not exactly nonexistent, it will greatly reduce the pool from which you can draw potential mates.
There is of course a third choice in all of this. If you search your heart of hearts with openness and honesty and find that your faith truly speaks to you to hold this line uncommon to most… Why not eliminate sex and mating from your life altogether? Abstinence is a viable option that allows people who have the inclination to follow their path without interference. People who espouse such a lifestyle understand that relationships interfere with their quest for the divine the way they choose to seek it. If you question yourself, and still find your beliefs valid and unchanging, it is entirely possible that such a path is actually better suited to your nature. The road might be odd to others, but at least it would be one of self honesty. You could be immersed in your beliefs without imposing them on another. Many have sought this mystical path with much reward. It’s food for thought. Be well.
Liam
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