My husband of one year seems not to know how to have foreplay or make time for it. I’ve asked and shown and we’ve even read Mars and Venus In the Bedroom. He’s sought to open up to two past girlfriends since we married. He wants me to give us a rest on our problems and just have fun. Weeks go by without talking. I’m plagued with the need to talk to hopefully break free from the mistrust and have some order in this life we said, “I do” to. We aren’t connecting so our bedroom life is unfulfilling for both.
Signed: Married But Alone
Dear Married,
Honey – it’s not just your bedroom life that’s unfulfilling! From what you’ve just written, your married life is unfulfilling everywhere… Of course you’re “plagued to talk!” You’re getting no satisfaction – literally – so aren’t able to “give it a rest” or just “have fun,” as your husband wishes. It sounds like he knows absolutely nothing about women, from how they’re built sexually to what they feel emotionally. There’s a little saying, “The way a couple is outside of the bedroom is the way they are inside of the bedroom.” In other words, the way your husband treats you in general is showing up in your sex life. Let’s recap: He doesn’t take care of your needs, he takes care of his own (to the point of perhaps cheating), he dismisses your feelings and he ignores you. I’m sorry, but this is not a marriage. Your husband sounds too selfish to be married. There’s another saying to remember, “Ladies first.” It’s his job to satisfy you completely sexually before he gets what he wants, or neither of you will ever “connect” in the bedroom in a “fulfilling” way. I’d drag the man to therapy immediately or let him go. And please don’t make the classic mistake of thinking it’s because, “he doesn’t love you…” The sad fact is it doesn’t sound like he can love anyone. Sorry.
Best wishes,
Carol
How can I make my relationship with my boyfriend better? We had a big fight and haven’t spoken in a month.
Signed: Waiting To Reunite
Dear Waiting,
My dear, it sounds like you’re locked in a classic standoff. You’re waiting for him to come crawling back, begging for forgiveness, and he’s waiting for you. (Or he’s not, which is worse!) Here’s the bad news (and forgive the huge generalization I’m about to make, but so be it – I write the truth!): men are better at standoffs. He can outwait you. In fact, his ego demands that he do so. If you really want to “make your relationship with your boyfriend better” then go apologize to the man. I don’t care if you were right in the fight – no one is ever 100% right, and his point of view and feelings matter. I promise you there’s something you said or did that he deserves an apology for, so go apologize for your part of the fight. Tell him you love him and that you only fight because you’re fighting to have the best relationship with him possible. Then do yourself a favor, and never fight with a man again! You can always discuss things in a civil way. Fighting, even so-called “fair fighting” can erode years of goodwill in mere moments and is never worth it. So, start the year off right and go lead the way. If he’s a mature, healthy man he’ll appreciate your apology and meet you halfway, and you’ll be closer than ever. If not, consider yourself better off and live to love another day.
Good luck,
Carol
