Relationship Rescue

I’m sure many of you have been/are romantically involved with someone that provokes others to say, “Get out now,” “Stop wasting your time,” or “It will takes years for that guy to catch up.” But a nagging voice inside you and your heart –- screams otherwise.

Phillip ext. 9485 knew that my boyfriend Patrick, a former Hollywood special-makeup-effects artist and recovering addict — is on a path toward growth and healing. In mid-December, in a state of panic, I called Phillip since Patrick was repeating old patterns and having emotional tantrums. I wasn’t sure how to handle his erratic moods, but I knew I wasn’t doing it well. I felt scooped out and hollow – drained of energy.

“Getting emotional control is the issue here,” Phillip’s stern and calm voice intoned.

“He’s exhibiting a fear response and has anger toward his mother and other women who have hurt him.” It was tough to hear, and then fully process. I’m a woman, but not of the same ilk as the others, but I was being treated like them. His ex-girlfriend left him pretty scarred, and his mother was emotionally suffocating and prone to playing the victim.

Apparently these women shaped his reactions to other women — including me. “These situational imprints haven’t been shaken from his childhood,” Phillip said.

“Did his father create stress in his environment, and did his mother react negatively to that stress?” “Yes,” I replied. Phillip continued, “Well, he picked up on his mother’s reactions and he’s now part free and part stuck in that behavioral pattern. He moves forward, then backwards because he’s working through his mother stuff from childhood, and how that still affects him now.”

Which begs the question, “How can I react differently to his stress?”

“Well since he’s punishing her through you, it’s important that you stop reacting to his negative behaviors. It’s how he got his mother’s attention. Any time he drops a bomb on you or pulls a fast one, don’t react.”

While his keen advice struck a cord, knowing what to do next — and how to stick to it — seemed daunting. Just as I was about to ask, Phillip said, “Watch his mother’s interactions. Study her. Observe her interactions with you and others, and do the opposite with Patrick. It will disarm his triggers.”

Here came the kicker: “Look at your own behavior. Recall how you’ve had similar behaviors. Patrick goes into a trance. It’s like pushing a button. It’s his standard operating procedure. He hasn’t broken it, but he will. He’s stuck.”

Phillip peered into Patrick’s childhood and described more of what he saw: his father’s neglect, his mother’s narcissism and neediness, a family member who always threatened to leave if he didn’t behave, no siblings to shield him from these parental figures, and too much time spent alone, escaping in his head.

“Take your power back by operating from a higher plane. You’re an old, spiritual, and powerful soul. See the spirit behind your eyes and keep that connection with him. He’s growing you into your potential, too.”

Since this reading, I’ve been more aware of my own un-fancy footwork. I’m just as much to blame for missteps and continuing to dance to the wrong tune. The trick is changing the song and then my rhythm –- not my dance partner.