How to Be Engaging

Is there anything more intimidating than conversations with smart conversationalists? We’ve all been there. Perhaps it’s a formal dinner party, a work function or a gathering of friends… No matter what the circumstance, we’ve all had the moment where we realize that our words might have to make an impression with – or even just fit into – the smooth flowing talk of an interesting mix.

Think about the people that you have found fascinating in your life. Are they the Lance Armstrong’s of the world? People who have overcome incredible disabilities or challenges to achieve greatness? Are they the multifaceted and clever conversationalists in a room? The entrepreneurs who made something out of nothing (Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs)? How about the charismatic, artistic looking types at a party? 

People capture our attention for lots of different reasons. But what makes them so interesting?  And how can you be that person who captures the attention? Here’s how…

Be different
There is no way you are the only one intimidated. And the first idea people have when they are scared is to do what everyone else is doing. Just watch the food at a cocktail party. First, it’s untouched. Then someone breaks the code and digs into the dip. Pretty soon everyone is gathered around the table and it looks like a stampede came through. Access the situation – if everyone is eating, it’s time to hit the dancefloor. If everyone is dancing, take a break and drink an ice-cold glass of water with a satisfied smile. Just by being the first to switch things up you establish yourself as a leader. And leaders interest us. The trick is to do the different thing intentionally – and with confidence. Everyone is bemoaning the economy, oh dear! Then, it’s time to tell the story of when you found a 100-dollar bill stuck to your bumper. Switch up the vibe, especially into a positive direction and people will wonder why that person marches to a different drum?

Keep the conversation going
There is a famous game in improv where you must start every sentence with,” Yes, and…” No matter what! It forces two people to remain in conversation with each other because no one is shutting it down with the word, “no.” It’s a very powerful example of what can happen when people start by affirming each other. Things begin to build. Take this with you into conversations where you want or need to make an impression. Someone brings up the weather – “It’s so strange how warm it has been lately.” And you say, “Yes, and I saw a guy sunbathing in January!” You affirm the person speaking and add to the flow. This opens up the conversation for others to throw in their ideas. Now you have established yourself as an important contributor. Affirm and add – you go from wallflower to active participant in no time!

Listen intently
At some point your are going to be involved in a conversation where everyone is just so undeniably interesting that all you want to do is listen. So choose to listen with intent. People who are interested are interesting. A few well-placed, “Mmm’s” while smart conversationalists are talking can go a very long way. They believe you are following what they are saying! And you don’t have to prove yourself because there is nothing smart people like to do more than hear themselves talk. But while you are “mmm-ing” and nodding while squinting your eyes a little to show you are really listening hard – sneak a peak around. There’s probably one person who is skeptical of the showboating going on. Maybe it’s time to ask them to dance. Chances are they’ll be the most interesting person for you!

Of course, you could read constantly and be “up” on everything and go for the smartest person in the room award. But truly intelligent people don’t know everything – they know how to think about everything. And everyone, no matter what education level or intelligence, has a point of view. So engage your mind and don’t be afraid to put your foot in your mouth now and then. You may just say the most interesting thing all night!