K writes:
I can’t quite relate to this subject because I’m only 24 and my partner and I don’t have sex as much either. You can be mentally and emotionally attracted and have things in common but also it has nothing to do with being physically connected. This I know can not get me by with my relationship…because I don’t have that connection with him. How sad we had grown after our son came…only because I’m not feeling it for him but for another guy. Is that wrong? Yes this is…because I should be faithful and glad he loves me enough to still understand that I just don’t want to be intimate with him. Yet I’m being foolish and going my own direction with a man twice my age and feeling it with him more than my partner of years and us being friends for many years since we were children. Man sexless marriage and relationships are hard to make work for you and your partner!
Dear K,
I wanted to thank you so much for sharing this raw and complicated situation. I’ve flowed with the energy of your dilemma and it seems there is something nourishing and sensual in the realm of your experiences. Perhaps not always pleasant…but then oftentimes, pleasure and love come intermingled in a fabric of suffering and desperation.
It is really difficult to say whether love can exist without a certain degree of agony, though most poets would indeed claim that is never possible. But, we must deal, of course with the first conflict, the internal conflict of that element of socially instilled value structure with which you grapple. For I sense that in truth, you do not ‘feel’ your needs and desires with this older lover to be wrong at all. In fact, your body, your instinct, your very soul screams out that this is the only right thing for you — to surrender to the touch of this man and be his without remorse or second thoughts. Is it the thoughts of others which have you fooled, my friend? The thoughts of society and family and even perhaps of other women in your life who are judging you and your situation? In this realm…in the truest realm of sex and emotion…you have to try to strive to dispense with notions of right or wrong, because I am afraid Morality and Nature have never been compatible entities.
We cannot forget that the forbidden, the taboo, is one of the most potent sexual nectars in all of creation — a perilous and seductive brew, addictive, steamy, and best taken amid the midnight shadows…Taboo breaking is one of the most powerful tools of consciousness expansion in the universe and, when approached with a clear perspective, can serve as a tremendous catalyst for growth and evolution. Embracing the forbidden is a spiritual tenant of some traditional Tantric schools, and is practiced with vigor in certain eastern Temples. It is very sad that we in the West fail to grasp such powerful and majestic ritual concepts.
In your case, what you fear is not really hurting your husband so much as the social backlash, should anyone find out your choice of lifestyle. Step One is to find a way to stop worrying over the disapproval of others. We all have a need for acceptance, but standard social conditioning is not compatible with your aims here, so dispense with such notions. You are a lady shrouded in mystery, discovering the essence of sublime passion, and in such, your true inner nature. What I feel here, is that you are exactly where you need to be. As I often tell my clients, there are different relationships for different purposes. Throughout one’s life, one might find different lovers to fill different needs and phases. You and your husband were drawn together for certain purposes perhaps… Maybe it was a need to procreate, and in this it seems you were very blessed. But that may not make a relationship that is the stuff of moonlight and magic, and what you find in your older, more experienced partner is a man who can provide just that. This adventure will be one which is tragic at times, but I do not think that you will come to regret it later.
All our lives follow certain phases and cycles. Your cycle for sexual bonding with your husband has ended. However… As all relationships are different, with different
purposes, I don’t advise you trying to make a life together with this older lover. It would not work… He is not compatible with you on the level of a conventional marriage. And though you will be his lover for some years to come, your relationship will dissolve into one of much confusion at any point at which you try to define it. There is a wild vibration to it which isn’t easily contained. Attempts to do so will lead to disaster. Let him guide you and mentor you. Allow him to adore you as you need to be adored.
In the case of your marriage it is best to be realistic. If it were the case that your husband truly had no expectations that you would return to the marital bed, and really was okay with that, I would say carry on and fear nothing. However, I sense strongly that your husband is not as okay with the situation as you assume. Many times, a spouse might assume such a stance with the intent of luring their spouse back into the bedroom over time… Or, he/she might consider this a phase. In your husband’s case, he senses you’ve another lover already. He is hoping, however, that it will not last, and you return to him again. I don’t believe this will ever happen. You just don’t feel it, and, in reality, your husband’s desire for you is based more on emotional neediness than on true attraction. In time, perhaps a few years, you two will part. You will continue on with your lover and the education of passion will flourish. There will be pain, there will be sorrow… And experience. And joy. And life.
Be well.
Psychic Liam ext. 9290
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10 thoughts on “Relationship Q & A with Liam”
Wow. I had my reading with you today and then read this Q&A piece. I am in the same situation as K, but my lover is a younger man! I am still trying to define who and what he is to me and he is doing the same. But I have had the same thoughts as K has and have found myself wondering “how am I going to make this work?” I feel sad that I have lost the passion for my husband of 16 years and I do truly love him, but more like a brother. The thought of leaving is hard for me because, as you said, society says that’s messed up. Not to mention what it would do to our kids, family and friends – we are supposed to be the perfect couple. And yet, I will not give up my lover. That, I know would lead to resentment and eventually hate for my husband. You asked me to ask myself what I really want and i will do that over the next few weeks. Thank you for your great insight and I will speak to you again soon.
You are very welcome, Nene, and thank you in turn for such kind words. Always remember, no matter what you are feeling, no matter what the trial, the pain, the passion or fear …. There are others who tread the same ground right along with you, and many others still who walked it long before. In the darkness of the moment it is easy to forget this. But in remembering it, we come to find that we have quite a birthright of emotion. I’m very glad that you found something here which was substantial for you. This is what I enjoy so very much about the work I do . Be well.
Can I just say what a blessing it was to read this. I have been struggling with a similar situation, and although I realize that all answers are different for each individual the wealth of truth I felt when I read it was incredible!! Thank you Liam, and thank you to spirit for leading me to it!! Love and Gratitude.
Hail and well met, Priestess Jesse. I thank you so
much for the kind words and encouragment. It means the world to
me that such as yourself would take the time to impart such kindness. I hear incredible things about your talents from many that speak with me. You rock. Never forget what you bring to the people, for they would be very lost without you.
I am not at all certain if this is still the case, but years ago
there was a certain Pagan Trad which held as standard for their
Handfasting ritual that the actual marriage was only valid for ‘a year
and a day.’ After a year and a day, the couple presented themselves to their High Priestess, and there was a discussion of the partnership, and
either both partners agreed to continue on for another year together…If
one partner or both weren’t happy, then the marriage was simply dissolved. Every
year thereafter, the union was subject to review and potential renewal, or
dissolution. No fuss, no muss.
People change. They evolve…Nothing in Nature is meant to stay the
same despite our finest efforts to pretend otherwise.
Some couples find the groove and grow together. But that takes a good deal of concentrated effort and many just don’t find the same stride. Being out of sync with your life mate leads to exactly that same desperation and heartache you mention above. But when they lose the fear of social pressure, miracles can truly transpire.
Now, did I read somewhere that you’re down Texas way? You originally from
there? And, what’s your sun sign? Thanks again, Jesse. Keep on Truckin.’\
Hail and well met, dear Liam…
Good job on your advice column!
As a Practioner of the Old Ways, I have watched is great sadness as the Great Rite has been so diluted that the sacred is often bypassed completely for the thrill of the moment.
As you know, when we handfast, it is for “as long as love shall last”. I really feel that this makes far more sense than trying to have people feel as though they are “forced” to stay in a relationship where love and passion have long left. So many people end up being deceitful and paying an enormous price both karmically and currently because they were raised to believe that legal marriage is a bond that becomes true bondage. They struggle against it, fight it, and try to “trick” it and seek an outside energy into giving them something more than what they have at that moment.
Leaving a relationship is never easy nor should it be. It should be entered into with the same (hopefully) serious considerations that began the relationship. However, if people are deceiving one another, no good can ever come from it!
Relationships can certainly continue without sex, but passion can still, and, in my opinion, SHOULD still continue on. If there is no passion and no joy left, it is time to leave. Period.
May Yule bring you warmth, prosperity and joy.
Bright Blessings!
Jesse 9027
Greetings, MaryAnne. I thank you so much for your kind words and insights. What you say has such vitality, and it’s a concept that needs to be shared; that all relationships have value in our process of life. Even the ones which turn sour or fade should be considered experiences worth having. In Western culture, we are so goal oriented, so centered on getting from point A to point B, that we forget entirely about the passion and beauty of the moment itself. Ask any French woman about this subject and you’ll note an interesting contrast … European views of such issues are very different. For them it’s more about the joy and pain and true nectar of the experience itself, than where it evenutally leads. When we focus too intently on utimate goals, we lose all the flavor of love. Alas, it happens all too often. I’ve been asked by clients in the past, ‘will my relationship last forever?’ And I’ve said, ‘No. But you must stay in the relationship anyway, though it will have a tragic end.’ And then had to explain, it’s not about the end result. To flush away the experience of the moment for some distant destination is heartless. We learn from others and define ourselves by their perception of us. Thank you, MaryAnne, for sharing.
Gina Rose, it’s always such a joy to hear from you. I so much admire your candor and direct nature, and have such an enormous respect for you. Yule is almost upon us, isn’t it? I was just thinking today, we’re far closer to Solstice time than I’d thought. How the wheel turns ….
I believe that often what we percieve as morality is more a construct of sorts; a safeguard against the sheer force of nature Herself … However, no matter the system or structure, in the end, She will always have Her way. Always has, always will.
That is not to say any path is right, or any is wrong. For, indeed, what you say is true… We all have our own indepedent journey. What is right for one, might not be right for another.
Be well, my friend. It’s an enormous pleasure getting to know you here.
Liam,
Thanks for a great article that illustrates some points that are absolute truth and so often difficult to accept-that there will be pain in some of our relationships, that all relationships are not destined to last forever, that the constraints of behavior most of us were raised with are not “the only way”.
I do believe that if we can evolve sufficiently to appreciate and embrace the experience of each relationship in our lives and the lessons we learn about ourselves from each of those relationships life can be so much more satisfying.
Sincerely,
Maryanne
Ext. 9146
Hi…..
Liam, you made a very good point when you told this young lady that morality and nature have never been compatible entities…
….I agree with not trying to fit into the box of socially accepted morality.
In fact, if one has been following the news, this past year, we have seen many national, state and local ” pillars of morality ” get caught red-handed breaking their own rules of morality !!!!
LOL..( that just cracks me up) !
Life is all about experiences, and yes, we go thru phases as you put it.
Personally speaking,I do listen to my friends and family, and take into consideration their well-meaning advice, but in the end, the final decision has to be my own…( and the decisions I normally make for myself are usually the right decisions too I might add).
……I have to be true to myself and follow my own heart and path. Everybody has their own individual Karmic path to travel.
It is a path of adventure ( sometimes), but always one of growth.
I may pop back in at random, just to catch your Q & A column Liam.
Blessed Be Liam )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500
Hail and well met, Liam…
That was very wise, and very open-minded advice….. I agree with your every word.
And yes, I am preparing for Yule….I put up my little tree yesterday and decorated it with crystals, ( the Yule tree is originally a Wiccan/Pagan tradition)…..it is a living tree, one that will be planted into the ground after Yule Sabbat.
I will not be in here much at all now until mid-January, maybe.
I hope that you, and your loved ones, a very blessed Yule Sabbat.
Blessed Be )O(……Gina Rose ext.9500