Combing the 200+ comments on the recent Sexless Marriage blog post, I found that not only were women confused when a guy’s sex-drive was absent, but also when his equipment wasn’t always up for the job. Is he not attracted to me? Do I not satisfy him? Is he faking it? What does it mean if he loses it? The problem with this line of questioning is that women are reflecting the man’s behavior as a critique of themselves, damaging their self esteem.
Now, attempting to describe the behavior of the male erection can be like trying to unravel the Kennedy assassination or quantum theory. “You don’t try to figure this stuff out,” one buddy told me, coming to a halt in a game of basketball with a dead-serious look.
The reason is that, oftentimes, the behavior of an erection is confusing enough for its owner. Although arousal is generally initiated by attraction and the opportunity of sex, there are a lot of mitigating factors into how an erection works, or ceases to work. Let’s start by busting some myths:
Myth: An erection is a barometer of his attraction. I’ve met girls who were convinced that if a guy wasn’t saluting her at the bat of an eye, he wasn’t really attracted to her. First off, most guys over the age of 16 aren’t going to get hard-ons every time they see a pretty lady – we’ve had to evolve to be able to walk down the street, you know. Plus, there are dozens of things that can affect the quality of an erection that are totally unrelated to attraction: the guy’s health (physical and mental), his energy, over-thinking, anxiety, or even just an off-night.
Myth: If he wants to have sex, he should be able to get an erection. I’ve had sexual opportunities where I wanted it more than ever, but because I was also nervous, my equipment went right into hibernation. There is almost nothing worse for an erection than being nervous. The body produces adrenaline, reducing the blood-flow to the penis that’s necessary for an erection. And lets face it – sex can make anyone nervous, even in a committed relationship. It can be particularly difficult for a guy to overcome this if he’s faltered once or twice, and starts each sexual experience worried that it will happen again.
Myth: If he loses an erection, it’s because he’s not attracted to me. False, again. An erection doesn’t come with a lifetime warranty, and any of the reasons that can stop one in the first place can turn one off.
The point is, if a guy is having trouble getting or keeping it up, the investigation should start with him. If your man is having difficulty with his erections, find out if he’s nervous or anxious. Is he getting enough exercise, or is he depressed? Don’t make assumptions that it’s a response to you.
Still confused? Let me know what isn’t adding up!
5 thoughts on “Myth of the Member”
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Hi. There is another reason why an erection may be hard to produce, no pun intended. My husband had problems for years and said he would go to get it fixed. We had Viagra in the house. He used one and the other 3 are still in the blister pack. I had the number of a men’s sexual health clinic. He could have gone to a urologist. Instead he turned on me saying that he no longer wanted sex and if I did not agree with him then I was nothing but a pervert. We are no longer together, needless to say. It starts with no sex, then no touching at all. He had the nerve to say that he no longer felt close to me. How close do you think I felt to him? Then he started seeing other women while still living under the same roof as me. He finally said that he had not loved me for 5 years but just did not want to leave his child. So, sometimes it really is a problem in the relationship. If there is a problem then see how long it takes him to take action to find out what is wrong. I wasted a lot of time trying to be understanding. In any new relationship I would not wait. Either get it fixed or move on. Life is too short to give up one of it’s greatest pleasures. Never mind the health benefits of a good sex life or the stress reduction that it provides. Also, most men can use their hands and mouths to supplement what their other equipment may not be up for.
thanks max. I read these last night to my partner and he said it is all true.
miss krystal
Hi, Max,
Great article. I am certain it will be very reassuring to our clients (and, who knows, perhaps to some of us as well:)
You’re certainly right, we females-psychic or not-tend to feel that we are somehow lacking if there is a hiatus in our partner’s sex life with us.
Thanks again,
Maryanne
Ext. 9146
Hi Max,
Another great article !!!! I love your writing style…humerous but VERY informative.
Most of my personal friends are male….they tell me the same thing.
Everything you stated I tell to my clients….but I think it’s great to hear these same things straight from a guy and his perspective!
I think all of the ladies reading this will find it informative as well.
Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500
ps…please keep writing !!!!!