Sara in Sacramento writes:
My husband has several addictions. I am wondering why he has these addictions and what I can do to help him? Also, since the beginning of our relationship he has been so resistant to going out and doing things together alone with me. At home he is always on the computer, at parties he’s hanging the whole time with other people, ignoring me and not trying to include me when speaking to his friends. Are these issues surmountable in our relationship and what issues do I have that I need to change for better communication and intimacy between us?
Dear Sara,
Imagine, if you will, the human heart is an adjustable wrench. When we first fall in love or simply love someone, we adjust our wrench a little to allow in their ideas and ideals. Thus, gradually changing our thoughts on what makes a relationship successful or even tolerable. Over the years we find people come and go like water at times. We evolve a little at a time, and, if we are lucky, leave an imprint on those we touch as well. This is normal. However, sometimes our wrenches have become so wide and the space between edges so gaping we have no idea what it is we want anymore.
When we choose a mate, we must accept that mate for the entire person, not just the parts we like. There are things about your husband you knew before you said, “I do.” When we bind ourselves to someone we are binding ourselves to that person in his or her entirety. Not just the parts we like. Saying, “I do,” to bad habits, bad manners, and poor intimacy says, “I accept your side of the contract and this is good enough for me.”
In the spread laid out for your dynamic and to see how things will be, your husband appears as the Page of Coins inverted, the Emperor inverted and the King of Batons. This is telling you that he likes to waste time, is an over-indulgent man, and he’s fine with the way he is. In looking to see if he will make changes, it does appear that he will try periodically, however, complacency causes him to fall into old habits because these are actually his hobbies.
In the long run, it seems, you are to be the one to make the permanent changes. Trust your process and your life path to take you where you need to go. If you don’t have the patience, it is still you who must make the change you need in your life. Remember, you are the only one that has a problem with the way your marriage is going. He is content.
