Hung Up on Your Ex

Still hooked on that exyou’re sure was one? It’s time to assess your true spiritual connection and determine your best course of action — even if it’s running in the opposite direction. Here’s your three-step guide to breaking a cosmic connection:

Allow the Past to Pass
Everyone’s heard the saying that hindsight is 20/20. And it is. Trouble is, when you’re half of a cosmically (or karmically) connected ex-couple, you never feel like the relationship is actually in the past — even if it’s ‘over.’ Instead, you’re alone (or with someone else) but thoroughly convinced that another chapter lies ahead. The result? You can never get a realistic perspective on what is or isn’t possible.

Luckily, the solution to this coupling conundrum is simpler than it seems, even if it means you’ve got to psyche yourself out. Even the hardest hit among us can take a short-term time out in the hopes of reclaiming our sanity. Commit to three weeks without wallowing — or fantasizing — about your ex-love. Call it your search for clarity, an attempt at healthier living, or even a temporary respite from your respite.

Examine the Past
Now that you’ve decided to take a break, you need to see if what you’re longing for is really all it’s cracked up to be. Be warned: this isn’t going to be easy. Truthfully assessing something you’ve built up in your mind is tough-going, even if the experience lives up to the story you’ve developed around it. Brutal honesty is required.

Since this relationship is likely your standard bearer for all others to be compared against, you’re going to have to create a new scale to base your judgments on. That means, no peering through rose-colored glasses at stardust memories. Instead, start with a list of what you think an ideal relationship would include. Your list MUST start with the following sentence: A healthy, happy, and satisfying relationship requires two equally committed and present partners.

Note: do yourself a favor. If you find you’re just listing off the qualities of your ex-lover, stop. You’re not ready for honest assessment — and that’s okay. When brokenhearted, we tend to idealize the object of our affection, but love is not about any individual person, it’s about what we each have the capacity for inside ourselves. That’s why you’re not enumerating the qualities of your ideal lover, but rather, your ideal relationship. It takes two to tango after all … and at this stage, you have to lead.

When your list is done and you’re ready, go line-by-line and ask yourself if your cosmically connected relationship really met your needs. Hint: judging by the first requirement on your list (two equally committed and present partners), odds are it fell short.

Put the Past in Perspective
Wherever your old relationship came down on the suitability scale, it’s time to acknowledge what you got from it — independent of any expectations you may still be holding. It can be difficult to face, but oftentimes, the most cosmically connected relationships aren’t meant to be forever. They’re meant to teach us lessons and — hopefully — change us. What did you learn from what it was lacking? What did you gain from what it provided? How have you changed as the result of it? Once you can put yourself in context — before, during, and after this life-changing experience — you can learn to stand on your own feet again and be a great partner to whomever is in your future.

Opening up to the possibility that it may be someone new is the next — and most liberating — natural step.