Sex Q&A: Married and Gay

Michael H writes:

Hello Liam,

Hope you are doing well. I have been married for over 31 years now, have 3 kids and own a business with my wife (Barbara Jean). I find I like to be with men to have safe, casual sex. I am in the “closet.” My wife and I have not had sex for a few years now, and we sleep in separate bedrooms. She spends a lot of time with our two dogs. I still want to remain married. I love my family life. Liam, what do you see down the road for us? Thank you very much.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings Michael,

Thank you so much for sharing this very delicate matter. I must say I’m impressed with your mature attitude in what must be a very trying and confusing situation. First, in looking at your energy I feel very strongly that you are a man of refined tastes and much vitality. I also feel you have a great deal of intelligence and a robust appetite for life, and that you’ve found a way to live that suits you very well. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you are conducting your lifestyle in a manner that is in direct alignment with your truest nature.

However, I do wish to caution you about your sense of guilt—that little needling emotion which bothers you at times and keeps you up at night. That guilt isn’t part of your true nature at all. It’s not part of your makeup. Instead, it’s a socially ingrained inhibition, an obstacle of the most sordid kind. It is utterly dis-empowering, fueled by the fear of social and familial reproach. In order for you to live to the fullest of your potential, you will have to work to disregard it. While this is certainly not the arrangement for everyone, I see quite clearly that you have nothing to feel bad about—or to fear.

Relationships are not a matter of black and white, but rather a tapestry of different needs which are never easily (or clearly) defined. You have no need to feel guilt or shame over your tastes and preferences. I feel strongly that your wife has known about your inclinations on some level for many years.

Believe it or not, it’s actually part of the reason she wanted to marry you. She is not a passionate person and feels fine just the way she is. She surrounds herself with the dogs because she isn’t into you sexually, just as you aren’t into her. She has her own private guesses about your affairs, but prefers not to fully contemplate the situation because the backlash of her own moral and ethical conditioning is more than she cares to deal with.

To force her to face this painful backlash in order to ease your own conscience would be cruel. There’s no need to disrupt this arrangement. You aren’t depriving her of anything she needs or wants, and I feel that on a deep level the two of you have a silent agreement on this issue that should remain unspoken. Your wife is fine as things are. I see that she thinks of having affairs herself and when she does, that will be her own concern.

As for you, I strongly advise that you always practice safe sex… your inalienable right to freedom and privacy doesn’t change the fact that you have a family to take care of. Always be diligent and carefully protect the great gift of respect your wife has given you. Never allow these outside interests to disrupt her life. And, above all, for both your sakes, kill the guilt. I foresee you and Barbara Jean having a long and good partnership being true friends and taking care of your duties. Love and sexuality seldom resonate with society’s accepted standards. You do what is best for you.

Be well, and thanks.

Liam

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