She’s Hot to Trot, He’s Not

Gail’s Question:

Hi Liam,

My problem is that I am currently in a relationship with a guy who I feel has unresolved issues. His wife died, who he felt was his soulmate, and then he left his ex, which was his previous relationship before me, after being with her for the past 10 years and having a daughter with her whom he idolizes.

I find him emotionally cold, whereas I am emotionally warm most of the time. We have only been together for three months, and almost immediately I sensed that his sex drive was much lower than mine. I now find he doesn’t come near me for so much as a kiss or cuddle, but will respond if I do the initiating, which I don’t always want to do, as I would love him to come to me sometimes.

Anyway, I now feel fairly worthless and explained all this to him and said I feel it is better for us to part now as it is unfair on both of us to continue with a pointless relationship where neither of us are happy. He said he is happy, and that’s the way he is, and that he does care for me, but I cannot be untrue to myself and asked him to move out.

Yes, we are living together in my house and have been since day 3 of meeting. He moved in initially as a lodger, but this quickly turned into an intimate relationship, and the sex, when we did it, was comfortable and open for both of us. In fact, he totally turns me on, but since I told him he has to find his own place, he now acts like nothing has happened and we just act like mates towards each other. What is going on here, and why won’t he leave? I could never stay anywhere that I wasn’t wanted and would have moved out the same day. What more does he want from me? I am confused, and at my age (48), I feel I should be able to deal with this situation. Please help!

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Gail. Thank you for sharing this very intricate situation. I can see how much you care about this man, and to be honest, I am torn in advising on the matter. On one hand, I sense the very genuine mismatch in your sensual appetites. As you yourself indicate, this is more than a bit problematic. If the mismatch isn’t too great, there are always ways to compensate. After all, one can certainly learn to keep one’s diversions to oneself. Or, in better and bolder cases, an open understanding can be reached between the pair. However, in this case, the difference in passion level isn’t a small one. He is not a being of heat, and you are. He is not a poetic soul, and you’ve never been anything but. You desire a man of strength and fever who will push your limits and storm your towers, and this fellow has trouble giving you a peck on the cheek.

I’m not at all sure we could ever mend this schism. To his credit, he is being honest with you, saying this is how he is. What he is not telling you is this isn’t the first time his lack of sensuality has been an issue. He tends to attract passionate women because he’s a challenge, and I sense that his departed wife was hardly as grand a match as he indicates. People tend to idealize the dead, especially in relationships where one partner has passed early.

In seeing this sensual mismatch, I agree with you that the fellow needs to get out of your life so that you can go on and find that dark, harsh, and handsome lover who awaits you. However, there is something very feline in your spirit, something sexy and ferocious that is demanding a certain level of gratification here. You speak of feeling worthless because this cold fish has left your jungle senses all jangled, and now you’re not sure of yourself. I sense you wish, on some level, to stalk him like prey and pounce, forcing whatever sexual desire is there to come forth one last time for your own vindication. I say go ahead and seduce him for the sake of your own self-indulgence as long as you maintain a clear understanding that this man will never be on your level, never love you with the vigor you need.

So let us discuss how to proceed. He does want you. This I see clearly, and it is partially that desire that keeps him in your home. That and the fact that he has a very sweet deal going staying there. So you’re already on the right seduction track. You’ve already cut everything off with him, but now you have to take it a step further. I sense a very masochistic vibe with him, so go ahead and tease and taunt him. Take to wearing little items you know he likes, but ignore him. I don’t mean sweet flirty stuff and coy actions. I mean ignore him. Smirk at him. Start going out at all hours, dressed to kill. You should be dating other men anyway, so this is a fine time to start. When he tries to approach you in that “mates” fashion, give him a dose of disdain, cock a brow, and go about your business as if he doesn’t exist. Be mean. If he gets angry — and he will — mommy him. Rock the standard with a type shift, and become a sweet, coddling mother to his little boy. After his anger cools, go back to being nasty. Talk to any guy that isn’t him. When he gets angry again, coo and comfort and baby him again, but ignore any inquires he makes about what you’re doing or who you see.

One night, after a few weeks of this, go meek on him. Dress casually, suggest watching a movie, make popcorn. Be sweet, but not motherly. Now be his mate, his pal. He’ll make a sexual move. He’s not capable of moving the earth, but he’ll do his best. After a few love-making sessions, when you feel vindicated, I think an eviction notice is in order. Most good barristers can assist in this endeavor. And when he’s gone, find a lodger more suited to your tastes and to your desires. Cleanse yourself of this toxin, and I think you’ll find the next one quite an improvement. Be well.

Ciao.
Liam