Afraid to Commit

Jen writes:

Dear Red,

I have been seeing a wonderful guy for almost eight months. He is kind, caring, hard-working, everything I could ever ask for in a guy. Both of us have have been extremely hurt by past relationships. Both of us are very cautious. At the same time, I feel as though he is the one I am meant to be with. Due to many issues in my past, I am very guarded with people in general. I want to be able to let him know how I feel about him but am very afraid. How can I overcome my fears and be able to fully commit to this amazing guy?

Psychic Red ext. 9226 responds:

Dear Jen,

Nothing is safe in this world. Love, relationships, health, finance: every area of life eventually passes through a moment of jeopardy. Sometimes you’ll emerge victorious, and other times you’ll fall painfully flat on your face. If you live in a shell of protection in hopes of passing through this life without sorrow and pain, you’re also “protecting” yourself from opportunities to experience the greatest moments of happiness and joy.

Your current relationship looks quite solid, and each of you seems to be rather happy with the other. It is quite natural to fear risking exposing deeper emotions and desires, especially when experience has taught you that there really are no guarantees when it comes to relationships.

Your current boyfriend has his own baggage, so he can relate to yours. But just as he recognizes that you aren’t responsible for his past damage, you need to also keep in mind that he isn’t responsible for yours. Focus on all that he does that shows you he is different. Don’t be afraid to talk with him, share with him that you struggle with your own insecurities and trust issues, and that these are areas your are trying to improve upon because you don’t want damage what the two of you are building because of your fears.

Ask for his patience and understanding. When he more clearly understands what you are going through, he will do what he can to help you feel more comfortable with the risks you take, not to mention feel a bit more secure with the risks he’s been taking. Trust is something that should be given based on the present, not something that should be withheld because of painful memories of the past.

Not sharing your feelings and following your heart doesn’t keep you safe. It just helps to create the illusion of safety, but all illusions eventually fade. Not telling him how you feel doesn’t actually diminish your feelings. Not permitting yourself to commit isn’t a suit of armor that protects you, but it can serve as a barrier that stands between the two of you.

You have time to continue working through your fears, so it’s not as if you have to lay all of your cards on the table right now, but you should let the man know that you’re at least shuffling the deck. Telling your boyfriend that he is amazing, that he makes you happy, and that your life is better because he is in it, are all very honest and revealing statements that have very little personal risk, but are still quite powerful when it comes to strengthening the foundation of this relationship. Being honest can be scary, but it’s really not that difficult. You just need to think it through.

As this relationship progresses, the moment of truth will come when he will directly ask you what his place is in your life and your future. When that moment comes, look at it for what it is: the opportunity to take a leap of faith and trust that he is worthy of the risk of honesty, or the opportunity cause yourself pain and regret for letting your fears override your desire for happiness.

Be well,
Red