Sex Q&A: Is it Love, Lust or Addiction?

Debra asks:

Why do I feel so sexually and emotionally tied to a man I’ve been dating for a little over a year (more on than off). He’s with me and then he’s not. He always comes back around to tell me he misses me, and I give in to him. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so addicted to him?

Liam’s Response:

In order to understand the foundation of your dilemma, it’s essential to understand that relationships are formed for the express purpose of defining the self… And in relationships dealing with pair bonding and mating, the stakes can get very high as biology and ardent physical chemistry take a firm hold. It’s advantageous to know this truth of our reptilian selves, because at the end of the day, instinct drives the species and the fundamentals are always in play.

You want this man for a few very basic reasons. First, you’re sexually well matched. Your bodies are in sync on some very sensual levels. This is a potent component indeed. However, it isn’t the only reason you find yourself being so compliant with a man who comes and goes as he pleases. Unfortunately, the fact that he treats you like you’re less than he is what attracts you. He makes you a lower priority, thus elevating himself which appeals to your biological instincts. After all, it’s the natural objective of the female to mate with a male of superior stock. Not a lesser… Not even an equal. What constitutes that superiority will vary from culture to culture, age to age and woman to woman, but the principal remains the same.

Men are creatures of nature, too, but they don’t really care if a mate is their equal or superior or what. They’re as prone to sleep with one beautiful woman as another, because to them all that really matters is that they capture and subdue their conquests. They will sleep with many and cut most of them loose at once. Yet some, the good ones, they will try to imprint, to keep them around for future mating. This is what your man is doing with you. You’ve been fairly easy prey for him. Each time you sleep together, you’re being imprinted by him in a territorial cycle. At first he did it just a little here and there, to test your boundaries. He quickly realized that his game works well with you. No matter how horrid his behavior, you always take him back and the bedroom door swings wide open. As a sexual predator, he knows that if he was kind to you and stayed with you night after night, he’d lose his allure and that bedroom door would close. As things are now, you’re his to control. Every time you take him back and give him sex, you hand over your power. If you think there’s any chance for you to change the situation, I’m afraid you’re very much mistaken. The very foundation of your attraction to this man lies in his mistreatment of you.

You can’t really do anything about the fact that you desire men who make themselves aloof and superior. Nature sort of has you cornered there. My only advice for you would be how to avoid this situation in the future. You can change unwanted patterns by employing a realistic knowledge of yourself. Next time he comes around, keep the bedroom door shut. Go off him cold turkey, and get him out of your system. Then get him out of your life. Either that or embrace the fact that you’re really into having sex with him and accept the relationship for what it is. It’s your choice. Whatever you choose, don’t expect him to change. He won’t.

Liam

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