Sex Q&A: Friends with Benefits Do’s and Don’ts

Debbie from Sidney, Canada asks:

I was recently in a close relationship that ended suddenly. We had been friends for a couple of years, then started a friends with benefits deal. I thought we were getting close and getting ready to enter into a more serious relationship. Then he started hanging out with his ex and blowing me off. What changed? What should have been done or we be doing now?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Debbie. We’ve had similar questions posed from time to time, and though each case is certainly original, there are always themes and paradigms that remain the same. Love is often novel in subjective tones, and yet there truly is nothing new under the sun. The heart is always a battle zone of conflict and irony. Situations like yours depend on a particular value placement factors that determine which path the torrent of emotion and desire will take over time. In the end, the most important factor is what value is placed on you as a player in another person’s life. Development of a sexual archetype is vital to this process. You’ve got to root yourself deep within his subconscious for a committed relationship to flourish. Unfortunately, in this case, there were some fundamental flaws in the initial definition. You failed to understand or even take into account this man’s motives.

Men never look at the “friends with benefits” set up as a way of getting closer to a woman and developing a relationship with her. Never. A man’s primary motivation in any and every male/female encounter is to figure out how to have sex with you. He doesn’t care about your feelings. Doesn’t even really care about you as a person. Women generally have to at least “like” a guy to sleep with him. Men, on the other hand, often don’t even like the girls they go to bed with. The way I see it, you agreed to this “friends with benefits” arrangement the way most women do: You had a plan. The plan was to sleep with him until he loved you. Problem is, he had a plan, too. His plan was to get sex without the bother of a relationship. You were prey, and he took you. If he had invested you with any kind of value, a woman to be courted and wooed, then he would have asked you out on dates. He would have gone to the trouble of wining and dining and buying you gifts.

Now, there are women who are divinely endowed with prowess when it comes to altering the value a man places on them. They can take a “friends with benefits” situation and with a great deal of strategizing over time turn it into the sort of relationship they’re after. But not everyone can do this. It’s a difficult path for even the most dedicated and open-minded. In most cases, I feel it’s best for women not to enter into these sorts of relationships at all. I don’t encourage any woman to give up her most valuable commodity for free unless her aim is to enjoy the moment and move on. If the goal is long-term commitment, then always, always keep that bedroom door closed. It’s painful I know, but the fact is you were devalued from the start. You never took on an allure or mystique in his subconscious. What you were was available, without complication. You played nice, and you lost.

An erotic technician could help you change this, but you’ll be behind the eight ball from the start. This fellow is cultivating territory. He’s maintaining a harem. He’s going back to sleep with his ex, he’s got some old girlfriends still hanging on and a few friends with benefits like you thrown in for good measure. He’s smiling most of the time. If you really want a guy like that, then start by telling him the arrangement is not working for you. You’ll be his friend, but no more sex. You’re just not into it with him. Next, though you say you want to be his friend, don’t act like his friend. Stop taking his calls. Quit hanging out with him. When you do see him, act preoccupied. He’ll come lurking around after a while, and when he does, you’ll be in command of the situation. Make him impress you before you even think of giving anything more away. So often women complain to me that they don’t want to “play games.” What they mean is that they don’t want to risk demanding respect from a man. I can do very little to help in those cases. If this man is worth the effort, then I advise you to regroup and try again with strict boundaries firmly in place. Value yourself over him and get what you want instead of whatever scraps he decides to give you.

Liam

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