Angela from Fort Worth, Texas asks:
I have been struggling this last year with an important decision I have not yet made. Three years ago, I left my comfortable life with a husband of twenty years that was unfulfilling in many ways though he was a good provider. After leaving this marriage, I met a man eighteen years my junior at an event and felt physically drawn to him in a way I have never felt before. We began a sexual relationship filled with passion, adventure and fun. We kept it casual. After about a year, he wanted exclusivity. So I did it, and cut off all other dating. But last year, I found out he was still involved with his son’s mother. He begged me to wait, and let him take care of the situation. I have tried to extract myself from this situation. Yet, I continue to be sucked back in after a few days sometimes weeks, because we want to see, be and love each other. I feel foolish in many ways, but don’t seem to have the power to stop! Please help by giving me a man’s perspective, as I have heard all I can stand from the women in my life.
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Angela. Thank you for sharing this. Any situation that flows against the current stream of social “normalcy” is prone to various tragedies, pregnant as they are with alienation and loneliness. I salute you for not turning away from the burn and sting of forbidden fruit. It’s an experience that will enrich you, bruise the flesh of your character and expand your world. However, you’ve asked for a male perspective, so I feel compelled to educate you on a few points of male behavior, as well as the highly problematic nature of the situation in which you find yourself.
Relationships with significant age differences face serious obstacles from the very start, and even more so if the woman happens to be older than the man. We can’t afford to hide our heads in the safe sand of PC ideals when it comes to this simple truth. Your life is at stake here, and the decision you make will affect you for years to come. Diversity in mating, including age difference, is highly desirable. The archetypes enacted by it are valuable on both sides. But realistically, the older a woman is than her partner, the less likely it is that the relationship is going to continue in any long-term fashion. These pairings are often very hot and very passionate, but they seldom manage to be more than transitional or initiatory interludes for the participants. Such lovers are meant to take the chalice, sip the nectar of the forbidden, ingest its poison deep in climax and then turn away to find rebirth in more creative endeavors.
This young man sought you out as a source of stability for his chaotic life. You are easily old enough to be his mother, and make no mistake, there is an Oedipal fixation at work. You are an anchor of maternal harmony in the turbulence of his existence. A mommy to wipe his nose and cuddle him close. It’s all so very safe and sweet, and he keeps coming back to you. The problem is he’s not coming to you as a man. That part of himself, he takes to the younger woman… the one who has borne him a child. We aren’t so very far removed from our Serengeti bid for survival, and men will always unconsciously favor younger, fertile women as a rule. He isn’t in love with her, but he also isn’t going to give her up. She’s imprinted on him as a pair bonded mate. You are a surrogate mommy. The boy in him is yours, the man belongs to her.
As for you, like many people, you are youth obsessed. You are in love with this young man, because he represents an ideal you’re trying to establish for yourself. He makes you feel young. You want to be young. You had a mature, stable relationship in your marriage, and it wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t adventurous. What it was, was real… and honest… with all the sags and bags of its age. You are chasing the phantoms of your girlhood in this relationship, while the richness and wonder of an experienced and sophisticated life are passing you by. Now, I hope you never stop wanting to taste love and feel pleasure, but do stop trying to possess something that’s no longer yours. Your lover’s youth is not your own. There is elegance in age that youth can never appreciate. I see that you’re a very interesting woman. One many a man would be glad to know. I advise you to send the baby packing, and reclaim your life.
Liam
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7 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: The Dangers of Dating a Younger Man”
Well, quite interesting and educating. Thanks Liam for that advice from a man point of view.
Liam, I truly appreciate your truth, perspectives and your heart felt, honest, kind, clear delivery. Thank You. ~Aimee<3. -guide & dakini
I never heard of that before, all my men was young, except for two young men bring out the wild in me, plus i have to much energy for an older man they can’t keep up.lol.. Older men are boring, you try to love them at first, suddenly, they start trippen.
How sad that your advice comes from a place of structure, limitations and the status quo. I would think that someone who is giving guidance on a site such as this one would not resort to archaic judgements and labeling.
What relationship is forever or guaranteed in any way? “Life is about realtionships, the rest are only details”. If ever there was a time that we need to connect from the heart and go beyond the physical realm it is now.
What matters is that we learn and grow from our relationships and if the current relationship or situation gives us peace then we are on track. If not, then its an opportunity to look within and revisit the reasons we are there.
Most of the men I have met of my age or older…men who flow in the “current stream of normalcy”, are much more inmature and riddled with issues and serious pathologies than the majority of those considered too young.
THEY do express a need for “a mommy to wipe his nose and cuddle him close” and suffer much more from Oedipal fixation. Not to mention the need to cheat, lie and basically maintain a distance from women making true intimacy nearly impossible. In addition, these “socially acceptable” partners, suffer from their own crisis of “youth obsession”, thus falling in the trap of chasing youger women. They tend to be fearful of their peers because of their own insecurities.
A younger man/older woman combination can be extremely fulfilling and enriching for both parties, since the younger man sees and appreciates all the virtues adn qualities in women that unfortunately our same age group takes for granted.
I hope you revisit your notes more thouroughly and check in with your higher self before giving out cliches as advice….
Liam, You are my favorite! You have the most amazing way of speaking the truth in a non-judgmental way.
Liam, I like your response to Angela, although, I think her mistake was to bow to her lover exclusivity request. She should have kept him arm-length and rule her time with him. I think her bigest lesson here is not to succumb to male dominance and owenership emotionally, but always protect her “queendom”.
I have had several opportunity to embrace a relationship with a younger man, but for me, inspite of the obvious sexual attraction, I saw all the possible outcome of such a union and walked away…
Apart from the age difference, great and passionately intimate connections without the continuum of a settled and shared existence, are always a prelude to self-discovery. For a woman, if she allows, it will openen the doors to her creativity, which resonates on the higher octaves of her sensuality. When one is filled with so much life-force and so much pain at the same time, the dam has to be lifted for that fertil magic to wash through the landscape of your dreams…
Very interesting points, Liam. Great perspective. Although, I always felt, “Attitude” can make a big difference. I have a dear gal pal-friend, 43, dating a 30 year old. She tried to discourage the union, but very sweet about it-He would not stop running after her, and finally, she gave in. I am very happy for her. I, myself, the younger in a may-december relationship, know that age is just sometimes a number…Different strokes for different folks.
But you still make sense, and what you write can most definitely apply to many of these situations. I truly appreciate your talent and flair for writing.
Thanks again, Miss krystal