Can You Change Your Partner?

How Can I Make Things Different?

Dear Tansy,

I’ve talked to you before and thought I would ask you another question concerning my girlfriend. You seem to be a very practical person, and practical advice is what I need right now.

My girlfriend and I live together. The other night, she went out by herself to a bar and ended up with her ex! They both got drunk together and ended up in bed. She confessed this to me and said that she was very sorry and wanted me to forgive her. But this is really hard for me to take. In our year-long relationship there have been lots of problems and I don’t feel I can trust her anymore. I believe she needs counseling help and have told her so. She refuses to do this.

I guess my question is, how do I make her do this? The way her life is going, things will not get better and I stay really upset and anxious. What can I say to her to make her see she needs to change? I really love her.

John K.
Chicago, IL

Dear John,

I see that your relationship with your girlfriend has been a very rocky one. You seem to be making all the effort with little emotional return from her.

John, I see that your girlfriend is a manipulator, I’m sad to say. She has consistently done this throughout the relationship and indeed, believes this is what happens between two people. I assume that her family background was a great cause of her behavior.

But truthfully, until through her own efforts, or with the grace of God she decides to change her life, she is not going to be good in a relationship. Counseling would be of great assistance to her in changing her life, but no-one can make her do this. It has to come through her own efforts.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do for her. I’m afraid that a healthy relationship between you is not possible at this time, and that you would do well to consider terminating any contact with her. My prediction is that you will soon come to realize that and elect to not hinder her in her path. Once this is done, you will find someone to be with who is more open to a balanced relationship.

Blessings,

Tansy ext. 5289