Today, one of my co-workers jokingly asked me why she keeps attracting emotionally unavailable men. We can keep going on this list and replace “emotionally unavailable” with words like “addicted,” “cheaters,” “liars,” or whatever else is unacceptable to us and works against the life we wish to have.
So how does it work that, even though we vow to never end up in that situation again, we go out and attract nothing but the things we don’t want? How do we seem to know with absolute certainty what isn’t good for us and yet, like a moth to the light, we keep choosing it?
First of all, there is no such thing as “bad luck” or “born under the wrong star.” Life and the way it pans out for us, is a sum of our choices, actions, words, thoughts and emotions. And what most people are not aware of is that choices are largely made from the subconscious, not the conscious part of our brain. And just like the hard-drive of a computer, we are hard-wired to respond to certain stimuli in a certain fashion.
When we learn to cope and deal with unsatisfactory, abusive or wrong behavior, we then tend to choose it. The reason is simple—no matter how miserable we are, we know how to do “bad”; we know how to deal with misery and unhappiness, because we may have never learned how to do happy. We cannot live or attract what we cannot envision! This is because we cannot know what we don’t know (yeah, it’s a mouthful!).
We are conditioned to recognize that which is familiar; good or bad. And by design we gravitate towards it. The more we do repeat a certain cycle, the more we become addicted to it. Repeating patterns forms neurological pathways and literally hard-wires us to rinse and repeat. The less we do a behavior, the less we will have the neurological pathways to know or remember how to do it; i.e. we literally unlearn how to be happy and we keep enforcing our subconscious dialogue, which may consist of phrases like “I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t ever get what I want.”
The worst part about it all is that most people are completely unaware that they are the creator of their misery. A lot of it is due to denial, but the other part is due to the fact that they are making their choices literally unconsciously; and again, how can you be aware of something you don’t know is there? And why do some people break the cycle—and how can you break the cycle?
What helped me was logic, at least until I got the ball rolling. I did simple math. If I am now on my tenth relationship, let’s say, with the tenth guy who is emotionally unavailable, dishonest and actually quite dysfunctional, there has to be something wrong with me! The mathematical possibility that out of 100 people I meet, 95 of them are tools is pretty low, unless I’m the one who keeps drawing them somehow.
Changing a faulty hard-drive isn’t the hardest thing, even though it isn’t easy at all. The hardest thing is finding the courage and honesty with oneself to stop pointing the finger at others—no matter how much you have been wronged—and pointing it at yourself instead. Initially, it’s a very scary thing to realize that you’re responsible for your well-being and that you’re the master of your own universe. After all, we all have been taught to blame—be it a god, our parents, another person or race, and so on. It therefore goes against every part of our being to stop the cycle and take full responsibility for our choices. It’s also a pretty somber awakening.
Most people will never find the courage to drop their stories of victimhood and take full charge. However, for those who are interested I can report that there is not only light at the end of the tunnel, but absolute bliss. If I would have known what awaits me on the other side, trust me, I would have started earlier.
The path to become a creator versus a simple bystander is steep, thorny and requires a lot of will-power and support. But just like most things in life that are hard work the rewards far outweigh the trials. There is a certain freedom when we are able to wake up, look in the mirror, smile and think “I have created an awesome life and can manifest whatever I choose to manifest.”
5 thoughts on “How to Attract the Right Stuff”
Hi Ulli,
Breaking negative patterns can be difficult yes, but it can be done……you cannot blame your life problems on inherited genes…..obstacles to overcome yes, but YOU are in full control of your life at all times. The sub-concious mind can be re-programmed.
In the end,…you are never a victim unless you choose to be, all of us face challenges in our lives, that is what life on the earthly plane is all about, facing and overcoming those challenges and learning and growing, evolving from those hardships.
By choosing to live your life in a new way, you are creating new neuro-pathways in the brain, thus replacing a bad habit or way of thinking with a new, healthy habit and way of behaving, thinking, and feeling. I’ve met many people in my 45 years of reading who have successfully overcome their inherited genetic traits and trauma in their childhood to become successful, happy individuals.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
I have to agree with the previous comments about the titles being misleading …quite often really! It’s like the topics are discussed in its negative aspects, but no answers, advice or resolution is given. I don’t get it …what is the meaning/purpose of this …these meaningless articles that dwell on negativity and things we ‘already’ know?? This site needs more positive, informative and meaningful articles. Articles that leave you with an uplifting spirit of hope and the desire and hope for positive change for yourself and others. Readings these articles is like reading something you already know, but lack the knowledge in how to better the situation. I’m sorry, but I find that very irritating and a waste of time.
Basically what it boils down to, is that you have to retrain your thinking process into a whole new positive perspective in order to attract goodness in your life. Although everyone has to go through their own things in life to get to that light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t believe there is any way around it, no shortcuts. And with any relationship you have to love yourself before you can attract someone into your life who will love you. If you think you don’t deserve someone or something then how can you attract it or them?? …you can’t. You have to get to the point to where you know in your heart, in you mind, deep in your conscious mind that you ARE deserving of your desires (which were put there for a reason I might add!). This takes time and personal experience.
Well this is true in one way about how the subconscious can work against you- but there is much more to it – there is family patterns that we humans inherit – if you are born in line of women that had abusive men for 3-4 generations..Well it is quite hard to break that pattern. Or you can have a close relative that projects their problems fears and failures on you – mother or father – some parents manage to destroy the life of their children – often without knowing it..with their subconscious…
Well I had to say this – getting a bit tired of this thesis that we just have to choose and be creators..
It is more complex this human life. And there is not a lot of true seers here.
So..”how to attract the right stuff”? this website has nice articles but the titles are often misleading..this is just another “how you are attracting the wrong stuff” ( sorry, there are already gazillions of those… ).
By the way, just making a visualization board or something is not enough, right? we have to change our beliefs, right? ok. How?
Hi Carmen,
I especially loved the paragraph below from your article :
” We are conditioned to recognize that which is familiar; good or bad. And by design we gravitate towards it. The more we do repeat a certain cycle, the more we become addicted to it. Repeating patterns forms neurological pathways and literally hard-wires us to rinse and repeat. The less we do a behavior, the less we will have the neurological pathways to know or remember how to do it; i.e. we literally unlearn how to be happy and we keep enforcing our subconscious dialogue, which may consist of phrases like “I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t ever get what I want.”
That is SO true………and when we creat new patterns of behavior, we then create new neuro-pathways
that become deeper and stronger the more we repeat that new ( and healthy ) behavior, whatever it may be.
Great article Carmen !!!! In fact, this is, to date, the best article I’ve read so far in here.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500