Sex Q&A: Are You a Player or Are You Playing Fair?

Stuck on Him from Boston, Massachusetts asks:

I’m going crazy! I’ve met the most perfect man for me… he’s everything I could ever want in a man. I met him on a dating site. He, along with another female (as a couple—not married to each other, but she is married), were looking for a female playmate. I was looking for a couple to play with. He and I chatted quite extensively, and I felt a connection. The female partner was away one weekend, and since he and I were getting quite curious about one another, we decided to meet. I liked him instantly, and we ended up having sex. Then the three of us met. She liked me immediately and I liked her… so all was good. Then the three of us finally met to play together. While we were in the middle, she told us to stop and did not want to continue. She felt that he and I were too intense. She did not want to play as a threesome.

I want to see him again. I really want him. He is everything I could ever want in a man, and I’m not seeing things through colored glasses! He does not want to see me, because she told him and me that she did not want him and I to have sex with one another. We haven’t, but we have kept in touch. He still sees her, but now looking for another girl so she, he and myself could play together. Is there any way that I can have him to myself? Do you see us together?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Miss Stuck on Him, and thank you so much for this interesting inquiry. Complicated though it might seem, the fundamental issues, drives and motivations of this situation are really rather straight forward. Alternative lifestyles are difficult enough under the most socially tolerant of circumstances. People who want to immerse themselves in the frothy foam of liberation and deviation bring with them the biases, burdens, hurts and wounds of their life in so-called “straight” society. We are social apes, after all, and our brains are malleable sponge; twisted, warped and programmed according to this influence or that. For those who truly wish to know a world beyond the conventional boy meets girl, it is imperative that honesty and reflection be a constant presence. Sex is always far more than a simple physical function or chemical release. It takes us to the core of nature, to the center of what we might call the “non-self.” The French do not call it the “Little Death” without reason. Sex is ego erasing, and thus, it is one of the most potent spiritual experiences a person might ever have. “Know Thyself,” as the adage advises, before you enter through Its gates. Know your lies and your roles and your agendas.

It seems to me that like many women in our culture today, you believe that entering an alternative scene of some sort, or following a sexually liberated path, is a good way to appeal to men in general. After all, everyone knows it’s cool to be bi these days and guys pay more attention to girls who are “open” that way. But you’re not pursuing that lifestyle as a path to your own pleasure. What you are, is a very vanilla girl who stepped onto the path of many flavors with one very ardent underlying agenda: To bag yourself a man. You go to the adult dating sites and the kink clubs, playing the role of the chick who will do other chicks, trawling for some man you can convince you’re totally cool with kink, while plotting to twist him into monogamy over time.

You came into this man’s life pushing to be part of a sexual triad. You agreed to the code of that sort of encounter; that everyone plays nicely together. But what you were really doing was singling out the man. You saw the threesome as a chance to prove your sexual superiority, to alienate the other woman and drive her off. You’re every open-minded woman’s worst nightmare because you come into a “play” session with anything but play in mind. This man’s girlfriend stopped the episode because she knew your game right away. And she called you on it. Now, she is asking him not sleep with you, and he’s respecting her demands. I believe she’s making the request more for his own good than for her own, because she knows your type and she’s concerned for him. But she doesn’t need to be. He knows your type, too. He’ll respect her wishes for the most part, and he has no plans of partnering with you the way he does with her. But he is not monogamous by nature, and he enjoys having you fawn over him. In short, he likes the cyber-sex. And that’s about all.

I think you seriously need to reevaluate your participation in the lifestyle community you’ve made yourself a part of. You don’t respect the other women involved, and you see the men as objects to be owned. You’re coming into it with a paradigm of control, and it just won’t work. You need to take inventory. By disrespecting others, you disrespect yourself… Especially as a woman.

Liam

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