Sex Q&A: How to Explore Your Sexual Fantasies

Lisa’s Question:

Hi Liam ext. 9290,

I love reading your articles—they’re very insightful and honest, which I respect. I’ve been with a man for three years now, and we love each other very much. He has brought out a side of me I never knew I had. I think I’m bisexual (although, in my heart, I prefer men). We brought a woman into our bedroom, and although it took a lot for me to see him intimate with another, we both had a great time and shared something that has brought us closer. My question is this… part of me believes he is bisexual too, but won’t explore it, and I’m wondering if I’m right about my feelings,and if it’s true, why won’t he won’t share it with me. I’m willing to, which he knows. I would never judge him as long as he is honest with me. Perhaps I’m wrong and he just gets a thrill out of watching she-male porn and playing with his imagination. He has shared his porn with me, and I find it exciting too. Can you enlighten me on this topic? Thank you.

Liam ext. 9290’s Response:

Greetings, and thank you so much for sharing this. Your openness and sense of daring are highly commendable. I’m happy to read of your sensually expansive nature despite the fact that I sense you’ve suffered from more than a bit of a repressive background. The man you are with has some real life to him. He seems to live to grasp raw experience with vigor. There’s something of the formula one race car driver about him; sporting and dangerous. And you are correct, he is very into you. You already seem to know the most potent secret any woman can ever know about men: know and accept his fantasies. To reject any part of a man’s sexuality is to reject the man himself. You have embraced this man and the empowerment that comes from such a gesture is quite sublime. But, a few words of advice…

First, I worry that you are exploring much of the current kink agenda with his particular interests in mind. And while there is nothing wrong with that tactic, I have the nagging suspicion that you participate in things you really don’t want and then tell yourself that isn’t the case. You tell the tale of your threesome with details about him sexing a pretty bedroom visitor, but don’t say much of anything about you having explored passion with another woman. It seems to me you were left out a bit. What I want you do from now on is make yourself the main priority in all of your sexual endeavors. Stop worrying about the “sharing” and “bonding” and “total openness” of your relationship. It’s all nonsense anyway. No two people are ever truly on a totally open wave length. What matters is that you start looking at all the kink and fun and naughty good times as your journey, done for you… a means to your own enrichment. You have to embrace the journey for your own growth before you can extend your hand to a fellow traveler. In the end, it won’t work if you become just a supporting character in your own life.

The truth of the matter is, you aren’t bisexual. Fooling around with a girl once or twice doesn’t make you bisexual. You say you are because your boyfriend thinks it’s sexy which is highly insulting to truly bisexual and lesbian women everywhere. Stop doing it. Your boyfriend isn’t bisexual either. And you might want to examine why you want him to be. My sense is you’d really like him to have some deep, dark secret he shares only with you so you can play confidant/healer to ensure he’ll never ever go away. I also think you’d like to have your turn with another man in the bed instead of a woman. I believe that sort of arrangement would be more to your liking. But you’re afraid to ask because the loving boyfriend you’ve done so much for might say no. If he did that, it would make you feel that he’s abusing his power in this relationship. Then you might have to wonder if he brought that other girl to bed to have a threesome with fun for all or just to bonk another woman with your total surrender to the deed.

Actually, I think the idea of you with other men is another fantasy of his. He might even participate to a degree, but don’t expect him to have much physical contact with the other male. Certainly he won’t attempt to be as involved as you were in the other situation. More than likely he will assume a passive power role, sit back and enjoy the show. It seems to me he really just wants you to step up and start being as upfront as he has been. He wants you to tell him your fantasies and I agree that you should. But before you can be honest with him you have to be honest with yourself.