Be the Damsel in Distress
Kristen from Rae, Canada asks:
How do you make a guy want to be in a relationship with you?
Liam’s Response:
There are lots of ways and many paths to managing this feat, but for this lesson let us just speak of that great erotic paradox; the damsel in distress, also known as the princess in the tower. I suggest this because it is this archetype above all others that most men truly desire. The walls of the tower might be imposed by another (a husband, a boyfriend) or, if the lady is cunning, by herself. The point is the damsel appears out of reach. And that’s the appearance we want. She also appears vulnerable. And that’s also the appearance we want. It’s nice to believe that men respond to strong women, to the successful and educated, but the unfortunate fact is, that isn’t the case. Those are the attributes women want and men attain them in order to get women. Education, power, influence and the trappings of success aren’t important mating criteria for most men. That doesn’t make men shallow; it’s simply the difference in archetypal attraction. Now, there are many sub types and varying archetypes that a fellow might be attracted to for relationships at different cycles in his life. But the aloof and vulnerable maiden rarely fails to form an instant allure and awaken the dormant desire for the male to pair bond. Like it or not this is the real secret: if a woman can both resist and entice and when finally captured, surrender utterly to the man’s strength, he will stick to her like glue. The BDSM crowd calls this topping from the bottom.
Do you know how many calls I get from bright, attractive, successful women whose husbands have ditched them for young girls with addiction problems? How many Ivy school grads are thrown over for cute skanky types who barely manage to speak in complete sentences? Men are absolute suckers for the “little girl lost”; the princess in distress. Why was Fiona Apple so attractive in her day with her skeletal figure and lank hair? Why do men go crazy over sickly, hollow- eyed models? There’s something about that beat up, used and abused image that resonates deeply with men. It makes them want to go into rescue mode and perhaps even be a bit corrupted themselves in the process. A woman who fails to cater to a man’s need to rescue, his natural drive to overpower and command, will always lose out to some other woman who lives (or at least appears to live) on the wrong side of town.
How do you make a man want a relationship? First, don’t go looking for a relationship. If you go out to clubs, go with a gang of friends and don’t be on the prowl for men. Don’t even talk to them. Act as if you haven’t the slightest interest in men. Don’t set yourself up on dating sites. And if men ask for dates, always refuse them for a time. While you’re doing this, play the vulnerable card to temper your ivory tower status. A girl simply in a tower won’t entice a chase; men never go for something totally unattainable. Reveal to potential suitors a certain tragic demeanor. Drop hints about troubles and sorrows and heartbreaks past. Appear nervous at times, even dejected. And when you set your sights on one particular fellow, start luring him in with friendship first. Be his pal, but insist you’re not ready for romance. Hint that you do find him attractive… maybe even have feelings for him… But you’re just not ready. You’ve got issues to work out and so much to deal with. This makes you both a challenge and a project; something that must be worked for. No man can resist that. If you’re a successful career girl, take heart. You can be the CEO of a Fortune 500 and still pull this off. It’s not rocket science. The main thing is don’t be afraid to be treated like a lady… and don’t be afraid to act like one.
Liam
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17 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Trick Him to Commit”
Some of the comments above accuse this article of being bogus… if you read the title it says “trick him to commit” the advice is supposed to tell you to be fake if you are tricking a man. Liam never says this is the way to “be yourself and get him to commit” the question was how do you MAKE a guy want a relationship with you. Making would mean forcing. If a guy is not interested and you want to trick him because you like him that much then this article is for you. I’m sure if the question was how do I genuinly get a guy to want a relationship with me the answer would be very different. Love the advice though. I know alot of women who use these tricks and they work.
My ex-husband left our 18 years of marriage for another woman who was playing exact same game. She played every bit of what you mention and she succeeded. Right now, she became his life; I have never seen anyone who is deeply in love like my ex. I am independent strong woman with strong personality; I guess men don’t like that. That is when I joint this group. I learned a lot from you Liam, you are great!
My ex-husband left our 18 years of marriage for another woman who was playing exact same game. She played every bit of what you mention and she succeeded. I don’t know how long they will last together. I am independent strong woman with strong personality; I guess men don’t like that. That is when I joint this group. I learned a lot from you Liam, you are great!
its is true Liam, the man wants to feel like he is the one in control and i have seen many women, play the drama queen and get all the men at their side waitng to help. attractive or not, i have seen this. while on the other hand i am a confindent woman and only cries out for help when i truly need. that lead my ex husband to believe i never needed any help and therefore in the course of our relationship, i never got any. Even when i tried to ask. he would say , i am sure you can handle it. I think what needs to be done here is to know that women really should learn how to run things without running them. meaning let the men feel they are in complete control. many a grandma s have had successful relationship just knowing this simple thing. i guess how ones does it is important. and its easy for us confident women to forget to just be a lady and get the princess treatment which we deserve. i guess we cant have it both ways. men think we are complicated, wow i think the men are more complicated. But society, movies, Disney etc. have all taught us this. put us in a box so to speak. its hard to break out of the images, that we have grown up with.
thanks liam for you intuitive and interesting article. i enjoyed it as i enjoy your readings
Jan
The further you go in the further you get. -James Hillman (:
While it sounds like Grimm’s fairy tales…it is partly true…at first…
On my last job I was vied for by two men. One was a well known “player” and I was “new kid on the scene”. As long as I stayed in my office…Player guy would visit me and ramp up the tension. He did not like it when I went to his office…even with mail.
The “other” guy (married, sweeter, and not at all into “negging”) would slip next to me when I was sitting at the switchboard…player guy found him sitting next to me one day and after that…player guy “dumped” me for the fat/big-boned (but not totally unattractive) receptionist…although I was much prettier, he started to pay attention to her…maybe to “teach me” a lesson. It wasn’t my fault that married sweet guy liked me too!
Anyway…as long as I was “vulnerable” and sitting in my office…player guy would pursue me. But I can’t imagine a guy wanting to marry or stay with a “messed up” and needy woman for very long…it takes a fine balance. The smart woman is the one who finds herself, pursues her interests, does NOT depend on a man…
And this is why the article is bogus!! Men want women who like themselves…they are initially attracted to independent women but then after “catching” one, they want to see that woman handle life on her own terms…and always…always…have her own interests.
While I usually love Liam I think this was the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Your saying basically not to be yourself yo get a guy to commit. Im sorry I don’t any woman should have to act like the to get him in a relationship. Be yourself and if a guy doesn’t want to commit to you find another one that does. No games should be used when things are meant yo be between two people.
Thanks Liam, very well put in a few words. I would like to add that before playing the role of a Damsel In Distress, do become a woman who can hold her own i.e., make your own money (doesn’t matter how much), have compassion and love in your heart and be a really bad girl in the bedroom. If you can garnish the preceding qualities, you will come to respect yourself as a woman, and attract respect. Then, you can pick and choose what you want to experience in a man. When you do come across a suitable candidate, be a flirty friend, nothing more for a while. See where it will take you. Trust that it will take you to a good place. Always remember: A Real Man won’t mind putting in the work to win you, and to get you in his corner. Dreams do come true!
Well i noticed liam said most married men fall for the women thats lacking independence. But not in those words. Well im lackn but im not the skeletal fioana apple type. I now blame myself for being single cus im big boned and lackin independence . I have been lusting over a guy and from those relationship tips it may be too late to persue a relationship with him but i did hint to him i wasnt in it for only sex and yes i have been used and abused i just havent been able to express that to him yet. maybe ill do that tonite. And due to him not spending anytime wit me i thought about getting on a dating chatline service. Ill pass on that. But i met a new guy and maybe itll work with him leo and sagitarius has been in my libra lovescope for this month and not the libra im lusting for. I think i have made alot of mistakes with him i always text him talkin about sex hoping thatll get him here. I think he would enjoy a pal. And maybe he not the sex addict i want him to be.
Liam I believe you bring up an intreasting paradox. I believe all woman play somewhat of a tragic role in our logically dominated society, however the true damsel’s in distress are the prositutes, the mentally ill, the drug addicts and the homeless, and maybe men feel more sexually attracted to our mermaids, however there is also another pull going on in our society based on power. And the desire to rise up the social ladder. In commitment I feel, this is just my two cents that men are more likey to commit to a woman who is a high status symbol, but perhaps love a woman in need. I believe there is a potencial for every strong woman to play both roles but how far can he go before he knocks her off balance? To let someone in can sometimes open up a black hole of insecurity in even the most independant people.
Liam, you truly should write a book. Your insights are powerful and refreshing, and I love the absence of sentimentality.
For the time being, please, please write an essay on what differentiates “vulnerable” from “borderline personality train wreck who will destroy anyone who comes within a 100-foot radius of her?” Please!
Love and/or sex makes us all crazy, and men are very single-minded in the way that they focus. However, since I grew up dodging a borderline personality mother and watching her wear out my father, I have a horror of drama — it’s like living with a gun-toting speed freak!
My male friends admit that crazy and destructive women can come off as sexy at the red-hot start of a relationship, but that long-term dealings with this type usually carry a high price. For the sake of both traumatized, confused men and the secretly stable women who really love men, please, please, please tell us more!
I am with ya on this one, Liam…I have seen this work!! Awesome.
Hope you are well. Cheers and thanks, Miss Krystal
I found this very interesting because as of lately I had a conversation with my best friend that is a girl. The conversation touched on the thought process of men and women, that is very much about vulnerabilty. I explain it as women being similar to castles and men as raiders between the two who do you think is on guard most. The raiders have the advantage by knowing when they are going to attack, while queens of a castle expect everyday to be seiged but just don’t know by who or when. This is shown thru the prepartion both take before their day start. Men rarely expect to be persued for that day while women based on how she feels, if she is willing to open those castle gates to a willing suitor. As far as the damsel in distress in the old times I don’t think there was one mighty warrior who as ever overtook any great castle or empire with the idea to leave things the way they were but to improve it for the for the better of the kingdom or their own selfish reasons. So to the ladies be sure that the man will be a champion that comes to make things better rather then a greedy tyrant who hopes to simply add property to his list of conquest.
Great piece of insight……But when a man falls for the weak and vulnerable woman that he wants to rescue and then finds she’s a complete pain in the ass does it last…or is it just sexual?
Sounds like good (and easy) advice Liam. But what about the men that constantly say they dont want or need the “drama” that a woman with “issues” brings with her. It seems everytime Ive hinted about tragedy of heartbreak or anything like that in my past, the men run like crazy. Maybe Im not acting unintelligent enough, lol. Who knows? But I do wish it were this easy.
Liam you are insane and oh so right in all of your articles! I love you
Liam, I always “leap” when I see your name! I know I’m in for a ride – of wit, wisdom, all-around entertainment and sage advice! I love the way your mind works and your tongue tells the truth! You’re the best!