Human Nature vs. Romantic Ideals
Cathy from Staten Island, New York asks:
My husband had an affair with a younger woman who is old enough to be our daughter. I had found out and asked him about it and he had denied. I finally found the woman’s phone and spoke to her. She told me everything. He is angry, unsympathetic, rude and arrogant about it and blames our fight at the time he met the woman. I am hurt, humiliated and sick to my stomach. I still love him but I hate him too. I am not sure if he’s still carrying on with her or not but he told me it is over between them. I am thinking of leaving him or working it out, but once a cheat will always be a cheat. Help!
Liam’s Response:
Cathy, the disillusionment that makes up your existence is riddled with archaic, ego-centered notions and embedded with paradigms of control, intolerance and sheer misunderstanding. Sadly, the basic essence of your relationship with your husband is one of possession and ownership. You fail to understand human sexual nature, because you do not understand yourself. You have no compassion and can make no attempts at insight, because you refuse to see any spirituality beyond the rigid patriarchal ideals of modern western thought. Since this cult of so-called ‘morality’ despises the transient and insists on the existence of some great universal law, you find yourself burdened by anger and laden with sorrows.
Human sexual nature constantly proves itself in conflict with our romantic ideals. I have said before and I say here once again, this man was only doing what his body was designed to do. Men want to couple with very young women for several quite verifiable biological reasons just as young women seek older mates for verifiable biological reasons of their own. Throughout the animal kingdom an older male/younger female mating is a preferred behavior meant to favor genetic strength. Unfortunately, in our modern western version of life-long pair-bonding we choose to challenge Nature Herself… and so often we lose.
Now I know my response will anger you and many others, but I have made my position more than clear on this particular subject before. If we set our ego-driven ideals aside for just a moment and objectively consider the high cost of divorce and broken families and the sky-rocketing rate of failed relationships, I can’t help but think that perhaps it’s time for a less popular but more compassionate approach. Your husband isn’t the Devil, Cathy. He isn’t a cheat. He’s a man; a simple human being who cannot be held responsible for your happiness or lack thereof. Your expectations of him have always been unfair and as far as I can see, the only thing that will save this marriage is a major change in attitude… for both of you. You speak of hating your husband but do you know that he is also coming to hate you? You trespassed on a private, personal place because you believed some religious ideal and oath made once upon a time gave you the right and in doing that, you ruined a friendship. For his part, in his refusal to be honest or talk about his sexual needs, your husband failed to give you any chance of understanding of his position or the option to leave the marriage before he made his choice. Both of you need counseling and lots of it. If he won’t go, then go on your own. You need to take a good look at yourself because I really feel that deep down you are far more clever than the social/theological dogma of your insecure expressions.
Liam
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23 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Is His Affair Your Fault?”
I dont know who hired Liam on this site coz his “insights” never reflect psychic ability or spirituality!
When u give in to ur “animalistic” urges ur giving in to ur ego!
I think Liam probably came from a broken home & had a cheating father & thats how all his nonsense thinking got drummed into his head.
Cathy cried for help & Liam just attacked her!her husband knew what he was doin, thats why it was a secret & he never once gave a flying fudgesicle for Cathy.no1 hearing this story should give a damn about her husband’s issues- he cheated & treated her like crap-end of story!
Cathy- if u see this comment, dont listen to a word Liam wrote to u! Ur husband broke the trust bond so u had every right to check up on him & uncover the truth!
Hi Liam, This is Aida again from The Netherlands, I stopped counting, but 85% were blown up about your answer to Cathy. Can’t wait to read your reaction. It is a pity that it takes 2 says for an answer to be moderated. But I will defenitly follow this amazing discussion. Why are there so many angry people? Something is quite wrong in relationships nowadays. Liam you have an enormous task ahead. Please carry on. Love Aida.
Hi Liam, you certainly started a political bedroom problem. No one mentioned what the reason may be that men go out hunting. There are many reasons I have read in your columns. I will certanly cry if you change your terminology but it might help get your absolutely mind blowing message understood. It is a visuonal insight of the coming decade in history. Dear readers,no way Liam says you have to go slopping around, we have to get out of our sexual harnas that we are pressed into for decades.
Surely to be contineud. Love Aida, from The Netherlands.
Liam,
WOW! I can ‘t believe what you have stated about affairs. The only person responsible for an affair is the person who is doing the action! At any point they can say no. If they are in a relationship it’s not the other persons fault that they had an affiar. Your so off key and incorrect with the information you provide. A person who has an affiar has low self esteem and is manipulative. I will no longer view this site becuase of your comment.
Hi Liam, It’s me again. A fantastic book for Cathy and all other couples with disfunctional relationships is: HOLD ME TIGHT by Dr Sue Johnson. An eye opener.
Love Aida/ Amanda from The Netherlands (aida.bon@hetnet.nl)
Hi Liam, you are absolutely my favourite! I always know what your answer will be, but your terminology is quite Shakesparean. According to Wikipedia terminology denotes a discipline which systematically studies the labelling or designating of concepts particular to one or more subject fieds or domains of human activity, through research and analysis of terms in context, for the purpose of documenting and promoting consistent usage!!!! Well this is a Liam sentence.
WHEN (not I hope…)ARE YOUR COLUMNS going to be published? I am now ordering a signed copy. Your insight is amazing. My advice to my readers is similar but in simple words. The title of my book: MY MEN, MY LOVERS, MY GIGOLO’S AND….I! The subtitle: 72 and still going strong. The stories of a widow in the relationship jungle…….
Love Amanda/Aida
So u think that guys r entitled to cheat because of their ” human sexual nature”!!! I just couldn’t believe what I read!! They can cheat, denied, lye strength to our eyes, because that’s their right. R u ooh of the mind , marriage is not only about sex, is about respect each other, support each other and working on happiness together! I can not disagree with your respond more, where is ur answer coming from, which planet r u on because not Earth…..maya
Even though Liam’s answer looks like protecting / supporting male behaviour, but i am not deny the advice, yes i agree liam “man” nature.
i gone thru the same as cathy and Since i found the truth with evidance still
he denied. i decided to leave after a long struggle. But still i convince myself and want to give a one last chance to my emotion and my husband is only because of, my daughters. they want father and a nice family to grow health minded citizen. now i am happy and glad that i did not took any nasty decision.
Think twice cathy before jump in to conclution.
Liam, I must, respectfully, disagree. Marriage is a commitment to one partner and one partner only. It is a commitment that is meant to last a lifetime, and those who are unwilling to make such a commitment should not marry. That said, not everyone lives happily ever after, and, from what I am reading, it sounds as though Cathy and her husband have issues that go back further than her husband’s affair. Adultery, however, is NOT a solution to marital problems, and there are probably a lot of equally unhappy married people out there who not cheat on their spouses, no matter how difficult their marriage may have become.
I can only speak from my own experience, having lived through not one, but two bad marriages. In both instances, I suppose I could have used their possessiveness as an excuse to cheat, but the thought never occurred to me. And, had I cheated, nothing good would have come from it. Both tines I tried to work things out, but, once I realized that would not be possible, I left the marriages. I also found out that my second husband was cheating on me. Adultery is a horrible betrayal, and it’s a pain that I would ever intentionally cause on another, regardless of how badly he was treating me.
My two cents worth.
Liam!
You need counseling , with capitol C.
I can’t believe what you wrote to her.
I think the world would be a better place if men will think with their head.
And use their little brain what given to them.
I hope you know what we try to tell you .
I am still shaking my head,unreal.
Good luck to you Nora
Liam,
I hope you publish both pro and con when it comes to replies. I think by repeating that men need to have sex with young girls just hurts married women and especially hurts this one in deep pain. I think it’s more abusive to tell this woman what she should think and feel. Instead, when a person feels betrayed it would be better to be a sympathetic witness to her pain instead of justifying the perpetrators crimes. Loyalty is part of the ancient vow if you take it. In this case, my advice is to the woman -run and run fast. There are men who feel one women is for them. They are rare, but this man gives a rats ass how you feel- all he cares about is dipping the wick . There are men who do exist in this capacity otherwise it’s better to be alone. I doubt my opposing view will be allowed to be posted; however, if it is, kudos for Liam for allowing a counter point of view and comfort from one victim to another. Last word, never allow another to define what you think or how you should feel and run like hell from a man who adds insult to injury by denying truth when confronted and then blames the victim. Nothing could hurt worse than knowing your man is disloyal.
Look into Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel.
WOW! This is definitely a very serious, heavy-duty, cut to the chase response. It may “ouch” but Liam is absolutely spot on! I, too, am suffering as the “victim” of marital infidelity that caused a separation between my husband and me just two weeks ago. I let feelings of betrayal engulf me and threw him out. Believe it or not, I totally regret my emotional, knee-jerk reaction. This experience has caused a complete marital paradigm shift. Although every situation is uniquely different, my understanding is that my husband hasn’t been happy for a long time and is going through a midlife crisis. I have forgiven him, heart and soul, but forgiveness may not be enough. We still love each other and still have the two most important fundamental features necessary in order for any long-term relationship to thrive: CHEMISTRY & COMPATIBILITY. However, my difficult challenge is that he is now determined to get a divorce because he doesn’t believe he is capable of “doing” marriage. It may be too late, but I want more than anything to reconcile with my husband because, bottom line, I firmly believe in watering the “grass” beneath one’s feet to see if it will become greener, than straying outside the fence.
Wow!! Liam, your response comes off as somewhat angry. Do you see yourself in here?
Honesty is always the best policy especially in matters of desire and sexual needs. Honesty in the preceding areas can be compared to dropping an object in still water, and then watching the ripples which are naturally meant to manifest. When you are honest in following your desire, “divorce” may happen but a whole new world will be opened up to you. In the preceding article, if you love your husband and he is not leaving the relationship then stop trying to track him or control him. Advise for the husband in the relationship, talk to your wife, and explain your needs to be with a younger woman. If she turns around and walks away, then maybe let her go so that you can be with your lover without fear or guilt. Anyhow, never be afraid to be honest to yourself or others because it will eventually put you on the path you DESIRE. Liam is brilliant as usual in this article!
My husband cheated on me with a younger woman and we ended up divorced. The part I hated most and still do is how it made me feel. I don’t hate my ex, I hate what he did. I told him I forgave him and he never said he was sorry or regretted what he did. He betrayed and disrespected me when I put my heart and soul into our relationship. You sound as though you are saying that it is okay for a man to cheat on his wife because he is doing ‘what his body was designed to do’. When you stand before God, family and friends, make promises to another person then it is wrong for one to have sex outside of the marriage. Granted he is not responsible for her happiness or lack of, but, cheating is still wrong. There is no reason that can justify it. If you cheat on your taxes, you could go to jail or pay a hefty fine, cheating in your marriage should hold the cheater accountable. He, like my ex, is not a victim.
This is psychological bull!!! Just like a man to turn and twist his sexcapades back on the woman and blame her!!! U would have been better off to save your money than to comsult this male chovanist ass!!! Once a cheater always a cheater!! If he will cheat with u he will cheat on you!! You can either get a divorce or work it out!!! He”s got the problem not u!! Who cares if he hates u thats his problem also!! He hates that u found out!! Thats all!!! Give it to God and He will work it out!!!! Trust me you will have “peace of mind” and be a hell of a lot richer!! Think for yourself
Whoa! I am shocked yet intrigued… are you saying that his desires are normal and that the relationship left him with little choice? Can’t the man express himself and open communication before this hapens? No? Never? Or just some men in certain cases? Im left with more confusion after readung this.
LIAM, I love reading your articles but please elaborate!!!
Ok Liam, but, then why do men accept “marriage vows” of promising to be “faithful” when you claim that, due to “human sexual nature”, men are bound to cheat just because of the fact they were made that way? Why bother going throught he marriage ritual of being “true” to one another? Why does the female ALWAYS have to do all the work? Why does SHE have to go to counseling if HE won’t???? It’s a continual, frustrating, never ending saga in which the “man” always gets forgiven for cheating JUST because he is “male”, and the female has to suffer the emotional fall-out????
Are YOU married, Liam? Would your feelings and emotions not be terribly wounded by such behavior if it was your own wife or partner cavorting with another man, or men, or the other possibilities out there? Women have just as much sexual desire and appetite for variety as men, Liam. What we all need is a little self control, and consideration for our life partner if we happen to be married, or committed to a relationship. Would you yourself not feel mighty betrayed and humiliated by such behavior from the one person who is supposed to be your friend, and to love and cherish you and vice-versa? If you are married, that is what was promised. However, since YOU, Liam, as a simple human being, have several quite verifiable biological reasons to cheat on your partner, I suppose you cannot be held responsible for your partner’s unhappiness with that said behavior, even if it was that said behavior which caused those feelings. Is there no honor, ethics, or morals to help guide our behaviors? What about the Golden Rule? That works for me.
You say this wife has no compassion? Hmm. If the husband had ANY compassion or love for his wife he would think of how his complete and utter selfishness is hurting his wife and his family. No one is twisting this man’s arm. He is making his own decisions about having an illicit affair. He IS CHEATING! There is no other excuse. He is betraying his life partner. I am not at all religious, but it seems to me that marriage IS a COMMITMENT to one person. You make conscious promises to the person you supposedly love and cherish. So, you better THINK about what you are doing before making those promises. You do not HAVE to get married, or even stay married, if you cannot keep that commitment. It IS a choice for BOTH people involved. This man could have stayed single and satisfied his “verifiable biological reasons” with all “the young enough to be his daughter” women his little heart desired. If he is truly unhappy in the marriage, he needs to be honorable, and end it before starting another relationship. And why should the wife put up with his totally disrespectful, arrogant, selfish, and degrading behavior? To hell with “his privacy”, and “his personal places”. This man is exposing his wife to all kinds of sexual diseases, by playing around like this. That goes both ways too. How rude, downright dangerous, and inconsiderate is that, I ask you? The truth is, he has a legally binding partner at present, and he owes her an honest explanation. She needs to be able to make an informed decision based on his questionable behavior. As for the “other woman”, she is a thief, and there is no honor among thieves.
Wow! Some “friend” this husband turns out to be! Not only is he a liar, he is disloyal, untrustworthy, and has huge potential to bring home unnecessary sexual diseases to his wife, who certainly does not deserve THAT! I say,
it is better to walk alone, than in such bad company.
OMG this is really archaic and bad advice. He is just doing what a man does? He can’t be held responsible? Are you kidding? That is what an animal does not a human. The power of choice and committment is supposed to separate man from the animals. This lady is not EGO driven; she is merely expecting what marriage is all about. He needs help or they need to see a lawyer. Please stop excusing bad male behavior as normal. If he is married he needs to act like it and stop running around or she needs to cut him loose. Wow, this is unbelievable. You really dropped the ball this time Liam.
I get our happiness coming from within. I get the premise of privacy for each member of a relationship. I also understand the attraction between the young and not so young; however, what I can’t understand, Liam, is your argument (at least my understanding of it) that men cannot be held responsible for acting on their physical impulses, even to the detriment of a relationship between two souls and the betrayal of an agreement, especially between two who have agreed to bond their life journeys to each other.
What is life for than to evolve spiritually? What is life for than to develop and mature the love we are all sparked with? Religion aside (and I am as far from religion as they come), a marital relationship (or any other kind of relationship, for that matter) may not require each member to make the other(s) happy, but it must have a trust that each person will not conduct themselves in a way that will bring sadness to the relationship.
Though I agree that she does not have the right to trespass upon his privacy, she does have the right to understand her place in the relationship; after all, love is, and should always be, verifiable. If he has betrayed the her trust by being (CHEATING the relationship) with another and is not forthcoming with his true feelings, then for the benefit of the relationship and her own well-being, she should have the right to verify her standing withing the marriage. However, there is a fine line between verification and a paranoid and controlling attitude.
Hi! I’ve always liked reading your articles for the way you approach human nature and behavior, though I had times when I resented your ideas of letting SEX to be the engine and center of relationships. Yes, sex is a central part in our lives/relationships but as we have evolved to become smart creatures we should expect ourselves to be able to CONTROL (not dismiss) the one urge that belongs to our old animal nature…SEX…otherwise we should just accept that we still belong to animal world and behave as such. Men do cheat, women also, but men do it for a reason and without a reason (their excuse is their nature???). I just wonder why DO they hide it if it is so natural? why don’t they discuss it with their other animal partner and remind her with their animal nature? why don’t they offer her the same freedom when he is having the affair so both can enjoy this natural urges in themselves? why do MEN get crazy when they find out their wives or girlfriends have/had an affair instead of just accepting and encouraging it as a natural urge? OR is it supposed to be an urge that should be acknowledged to MEN and on occasions for women (if MEN can put up with it). How come men’s SELFISHNESS is not acknowledged in these situations, normally men hid their affairs and relationships because they want to protect their home life, while claiming they are having the affair because they are not happy in their home life. I know you acknowledge SEX for both genders, but do you really think MEN think like you???? generally, Do you really think freeing our animal nature is the right solution for the stability of our minds and spirits?
Best regards
Finland/Turku