Sex Q&A: He Doesn’t Want Sex From Me

After recovering from a major illness, your partner consciously knows you’re healed, but their spirit may not see the same. Your sex life can return to normal, but now you have to be patient with him. Your body must take time to heal but so must his spirit.

Be Patient, He Still Wants You

Victoria asks:

Hi Liam, I have been dating a man for the last year, and it was heaven for the first three months. It exceeded any expectations I ever had about men. Unfortunately, I had a cancer scare and had to be operated on twice for cell removal on the cervix. This resulted in no sex for months, although we did our best and kept the passion alive. He was very supportive and gave me lots of space, kisses and cuddles. Now that I have recovered, our sex life has plummeted. The passion is dying, and it breaks my heart as we were close before. He says he’s tired from work, but I think he has emotional pain from before – his last three girlfriends cheated on him. I don’t know how to get it back; it destroys me every time he rejects me. It’s making me resentful and bitter towards him. I really thought we would never be in this situation as we went through so much together… please help.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Victoria, and thank you for sharing such a vulnerable situation. It is indeed very troubling, and, unfortunately, I know many women who can relate to it. I have worked with a number of clients on this particular issue, because physical illnesses are often the antecedent to sexual dysfunction or become a conduit by which many repressed problems come brimming forth. Before we go further, let me assure you that this man is not reacting the way he is out of immaturity or ignorance. He was with you during the trials of your illness, and he’s still with you now. That tells me you’ve found yourself a real man and not a pretender, and that is a rare find these days. When you find yourself growing resentful, remember your need for sexual validation is an ego issue, and remind yourself of how much you have in this man. Be compassionate and patient, because your problem has a solution. But the key to its enigma won’t be found in the realm of science or logic. It is a matter of metaphor; of primitive rites and terrors and a need for healing of a very different kind.

The heart of the issue is Shamanic and can be traced to some very primal spiritual concepts that are deeply rooted in the subconscious symbolism of female reproduction. Like most men, your fellow sees the female genitalia and reproductive function as magickal, mysterious and sacred on a very Reptilian level. Since ancient times, the female reproductive ability has been revered as the representation of life itself… Their fertility and function a manifestation of all of existence and prosperity. Being such a powerful symbol, feminine anatomy became immersed in all sorts of taboos and rituals which on some very powerful levels still exist within all of us today. For your fellow, your illness wasn’t just some physical disorder; some fleshy cells mutating in the most dangerous way… In the deep realms of his mind, it was an assault on the Temple itself; on the very heart of prosperity, fertility and life. The injunction against sex set forth by the medical men became a kind of ritualistic injunction for the curing of the Temple… The scientific paradigm actually complimented the abstract and archaic taboo.

And that was where things got sticky. You see, the subconscious doesn’t really get linear stuff like medical charts and diagnoses. In our Western culture, we think of healing as something doctors do with medicines and scalpels. It’s all logical and clear cut. But other cultures would tell us very different. Healing has to be holistic, and very often the victim of the disease isn’t the only one who needs to find wellness again. Your man knows on a logical level that you’re okay; whole, well and ready for sex. But his spiritual self is still afraid. For that part of him, seeing you ill… seeing female energy in peril… meant that all of existence was in peril, and the wound he took in fear of that hasn’t healed at all. What you need to do is seek healing for his spirit just as you have found healing for your body. The two of you are in this together.

A Shaman could provide that kind of healing. Your man needs to find understanding on a level of abstraction that no medical reasoning is going to address. There needs to be some ritualized form of release for him, an ending of the drama of your illness so that he can assimilate the experience and move away from his taboo against profaning your temple. You have to try to understand that he has no idea himself why this is happening. Both of you require a mediator who speaks in the language of symbols, myths and magick. A Shaman or Tantric Healer schooled in traditional methods would be most effective. Unfortunately, both are rare. If you have any friends with wisdom and experience who practice the ancient pagan rites, you might ask them to perform a rite of release for you. The important thing is that you have a ritualized healing done and your man is there to witness it. His Western logic eyes have beheld the message of medicine, but his primitive reptilian eyes need to behold the message of the spirit. It won’t be a quick fix, but it would make a good start. In any case, you’ve a good man there so relax, give him time, and enjoy being well.

Liam

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