Should They Change for You?
Naomi from Loveland, Colorado asks:
I see some people accept multiple sexual partners, but I cannot accept it. At the same time, there is this man that is still more attractive than others for me. I’ve been attracted to him for about a year. He has been changing in some ways. Some parts I like (more interested in practicing a spiritual path), but some parts I do not like (it seems that his ego is becoming larger). Is he still attracted to others? It’s not easy to let go of my interest in him – unless someone more attractive shows up. And to your comment, I’ve been more attracted to younger men than older since in my late twenties. I’d like to be with a younger man.
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Naomi. Whenever someone makes it a point to tell me that they cannot accept a certain form of natural sexual behavior, I have to wonder about their motivation and the true spirit of the statement. So often people say they cannot accept something as a personal choice when what they really mean is they will not accept it as somebody else’s choice. Once again, I am faced with an inquiry that illustrates the hypocrisy germane to our modern notion of romantic love. I have to wonder why you chose to ask advice from me when most certainly what I say will not be anything you care to hear. However, once again… here we go.
I climb up on my soapbox here and expound time after time: the simple fact that in order to honestly and completely commit to any person for any length of time, you really have to like them. You have to enjoy spending time with them. If you were in love with this man, then you would accept him for the person that he is. You’d accept his sexual appetites and whatever form of spiritual expression he felt was appropriate for his life at this time. You’d even accept that big ol’ ego of his that seems to trouble you so. You would want him to be happy more than you’d worry about if he made you happy. But you don’t love this man, Naomi. You don’t even really like him. What you want is to have sex with him. The truth is if he wasn’t involved with a bunch of rival women, you probably wouldn’t even want that. Because what lies at the core of this whole situation is the true and ugly heart of the conservative romantic ideal: Power. You feel that sleeping with this man, while not having a commitment of monogamy from him, puts you on the outs with social grace and conventional approval. But you’re not willing to give him up. So now you want to force him to be something he’s not, so you can keep having sex with him. More than that, you want the power trip of turning a lover of many women into a blithering sexual zombie who would never dare to stray from your side.
I’m giving it to you straight, because it’s time for you to understand the real reasons why you do things and make some life-changing decisions. It is simply not your right to ask this man or any other to change. If you’re going to be a reasonable, responsible adult then you either accept the people in your life for who they are or you keep them out of it. I advise you to do some deep soul searching and get a handle on your true motivations. Because if you really want to maintain your attitude toward sex and monogamy, then you’re going to have to find men who share that belief and leave the men who don’t alone. It will save you a lot of heartache… and everyone else a great deal of needless turmoil.
Liam
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44 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Changing Someone to Meet Your Standards”
This is in response to HOW BARBARICS outburt
Unfortunatly I completly disagree with the first part of your response if you have time when your not out trying to take over the world you should reread the article. Yes it’s true he doesnt take a black and white side on monogomy, yet he does firmly encourage one of my emotionally and genetically superior counterparts to stand on her own two strong and intigent lady feet and make a decision, and to encourage her to do what is right for her and her beliefs. In turn acting like women I assume you would admire.
As for the second part I completly agree. All the leaders of the UN should be women, and I’d love to work with you to see this a reality, but first I think w’ed have to get the world on some kind of a scedule that it completly stops for 1 week every month so all the chairs could go home bitch, moan, complian, and cry with their faces in a pillow all day before returning to make rational decisions.
I have a question that is rolling around in my head…. my finacee is gay .. l think. how do you tell if he is gay or not… i saw him reach and pulled on another man penis in a playful way. and he always saying things like .. I look like a girl with my hair like this. Tried on some of my lipstick but I have caught him in another relationship with another female and he lied the whole time that he was not in a relationship with her, but he was and deceived me and kept it hide. Before he and I got together about that affair … he got caught again and lied about it again. After all of his crying and asking for another chance .. he was shock to learn that I knew about this other woman. I love this guy because he is a good person but tries to please everybody too much….. his mom and dad uses him to help bring their kids up and give them money.
He is a very smart person and kind but he let his friends use him too much and i feel that am the last one to know anything. He treats me good but it is so much going on around him til he is getting lost in the crowd and sometimes I have scream to get his attention for me. When he feel that I am sliping away from him then he gets scarred and trys hard to pull me back in …. but he has cheated on me twice til now am afraid to really trust him again. He broke my heart the first time and he knows it. I am pulling for him to come up to the level of trust again. So sometime I am wondering if he also likes men too …. by the way he acts around them.
Liam, sometimes I think you’ve read my mind! You are saying TRUTH! I don’t love it but I know it is all true. We women dont want to believe this but this is the reality of some men we mayenter into relationship” with.
I like your advice, which I can relate to it from the opposite side. I always say, what goes around, comes around. What happens when the sex gets boring?
Wow Liam, you really did get on your soap box. I’m sure you’re a good psychic but I am not one of your followers when it comes to relationships. I think Naomi should listen to her heart and head if she wants to maintain her self-respect and not compromise her sexual beliefs. Yes, you heard it Liam, compromise HER sexual beliefs. She may or may not ever get any closer to this man but who knows – he may admire her for not being one of his booty calls. Now, on the other hand, if she only wants to experience sex with him, she needs to get in line and forget all the lovey-dovey stuff. Remember a man can find a sexual partner easily but it’s a bit more complicated for him to find a wife, who is his lover, friend, confidante, life partner and willing to be sexually monogamus for him. Chances are if Naomi’s friend ever chooses to marry he will not seek out someone from his harem pool.
what a fantastic article so true.are u single?
Thanks Liam,
Continue to get on your soapbox and please do keep aligning us with natural behaviours because misery steps in when we start to follow contrived social conventions which may not be in tune with our true inner natures.
Naomi there are men out there who believe in monogamy but you don’t seem to be satisfied with your past. I would say, if you love a man, and he gives you your due in time and attention, what does it matter what he does in his spare time. Some men play golf, others like to chase women. My question is why are you so concerned? Are you insecure about your own power? When you become secure in your strength, your body will lead to to the lover right for you so that you can find peace and satisfation with him. Good Luck!
I am a straight male who thinks women who behold a knowledge of self are beautiful.
My question is if a naturally nicely endowed, sexy/beautiful, confident, woman used your logic to justify her self/behavours, how many men would still be cheering and agreeing with her actions/choices and treatment of men?
I think the concept of do unto others as you would like done unto you carries more weight, throughout a relationship of any kind.
And in this so-called society where hotness/sexiness is a disposable/replaceable commodity of sorts when ego-centric beauty/youth fades, then what?
I think the user name How Barbaric needs to get of her high horse and stop being so confrontational and aggresive! bad example of girl power!
That article was SO RIGHT ON THE HEAD OF THE NAIL! I do not EVER respond to articles, but this one was definately worth writiing about…… It’s the old cliche, What once attracted you to this person is now your poison…. Get over it!! I hope that she takes your answers seriously…..
Great job!
Liam you are Deep! that analysis was thought provoking.
Liam,
As usual your article is right on point. I went through similar and had to learn what you outlined the hard way on my own. I had no one to advise me on the heart of the matter for me. Which was me. I had to stop blaming my ex for being who he was. I had to break a pattern with him I wasn’t comfortable with based on my beliefs and who I am. So I finally said ok I cant do this anymore and let him go. Before I got to that point it was constant manipulation on my part to try to change him and that of course made things worse between us. I loved him and still do and because of my love for him I was able to let him go. I know a lot of woman who would take offense to what you said but I am one that doesn’t. As an Aries I have had my full share of learning to distinguish between the truth of the matter and selfish inclinations. I am also no stranger to loving someone from a distance but trust and believe, letting my ex go was not easy. I appreciate you occasionally climbing onto your soapbox to put things in there true perspective. Keep it coming.
Natural sexual behavior? Yeah, maybe for an animal. This article chauvinistically tries to rationalize polygamy, adultery and just plain poor behavior. But these poor neanderthals cannot help it.
Women are geared differently than men. Our hearts are higher up. Of course we enjoy sex as much as the next guy. Yet the female body releases Oxytocin, a chemical virtually absent in men. This hormone allows us to love and connect- unlike our emotionally & genetically sub-par counterparts.
Of course this is why our world leaders are such warmongers. I firmly believe if all UN seats were occupied by women, we would see a world of peace, harmony & love rather than one of war, poverty and strife.
Hi Liam, again I laughed when I read. “I’ll climb up on my soapbox….”That is so funny, as everyone who reads your columns knows what your answers will be. Maybe Naomi is a newcomer or very innocent. I am still waiting for your book of collected columns.
Love your fan, Aida (The Netherlands)
Brilliant article! So refreshing to hear that for once the male is not to blame here! Very deep and educational.
Dear Liam,
WOW!!!!! I think that this is probably the most truthful and powerful answer I have EVER read!
so many times and it is usually women (sorry sisters- I don’t want to let the side down but it is true) seem to think that a man is a diamond in the rough and they have the right tools to turn him into a finely cut item. A person will only change if they want to and the only way that someone can make that person change is by being themselves and honest about what she wants. If the man feels that this is the woman for him, he will knock down mountains while turning cartwheels for her, otherwise she will always just be one of many.
thank you for sharing this wisdom & I hope that Naomi will take it well & wish her every happiness in life, with whomever she is meant to be with.
blessings to all
I have known a certain person for over 32 yrs. Our relationship has had many many twists & turns. It has gone from me taking him in as a foster parent, to him just being a roomate. Later we just became true friends. We finally than became lovers. This lasted for approx. 4 yrs. then we split, about 10 yrs. later he came back into my life and once again we just picked up where we left off. This lasted for approx. x3 yrs., until I needed to end it with a rest. order due to his controlling issues and possesiveness. We then became enemies for approx. 6 yrs. Later we became just friends once again. He has gone through several relationships throughout this, as have I. He had introduced me to every single one of his new girl friends, as well as his wife. He was married to someone for approx. 4 yrs. and is now div. for approx. 4 yrs. My question is should I continue this friendship, as he has been calling me quite often lately and just wanting me to visit, as I guess we will always remain friends. I don’t think we could ever go back to where we were, as if we just remain friends we get along fine! Am I just waisting my time? Your answer will be appreciated.
Hello Liam:
Thank you for your article printed above, the Key to Sexual Power. It is frank, objective, and solid wisdom. I appreciate your counsel and expertise.
Edmund Young
Well, I’m not in an identical situation in that I havent known the man I’m attracted to for as long as Naomi has known the man she’s attracted to. However it’s the same kind of situation and Liam, only a man would think it’s that simple! We dont choose who we become attracted to, even if he might not be the type we’re hoping to meet. It’s hard to resist when the chemistry is very strong. For many women, including myself, having sex with a man triggers a bond through hormonal & brain chemistry changes…biological fact! We all hope that a man will fall in love with us and become monogamous. My guy was previously before his wife hurt him and I’m hoping he will be again. I will get over him if I have to but you just dont pick who you fall in love with! Hopefully each relationship we have teaches us a lesson anyway.
makes a whole lot of sense, Liam
i totaly agree.
well said Liam
I couldnt agree more 🙂
I find this to be a rather intreasting question, I think you might have judged her to hastly. I think many woman who perfer mongonous relationship would be in an open relationship if they felt that their best intreast was in the mind by all the people involved. Every relationship open or not posses some sort of disfunction, no relationship is perfect and in open relationships woman often fear becoming a man’s cocubine and nothing more, expecially very insecure men who have alot to prove to other men, therefore aquiring an overly large ego. I think people in general are much more open to open relationships than you might want to admit to, which is why so many woman have sex on the first date and there are so many aborted children, there are no genuine mongonous relationships out there, and many have experienced the negative side of this openess by being on the losing end of a triangle, and every triangle with three sides has one side that is distant. It is just the nature of life, nothing is perfect and therefore we must find the right situation for us which healthy nuturing and loving in what ever form it comes. Be careful my friend even though you have freed yourself from the chains of life, be careful you do not become chain sick. ( which a famous philosopher once said referring to feminism.). Peace and happiness be with you.
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thank you
Well said and right to the point. If only I had learned it when I was younger.
Once again, a diatribe in favor of the plural-loving man. Is this a projection, dear sir?
Wow, really like your reply on this one. this is really how it is. I totally get it. no, you can’t change anyone.
NICE!
I may have missed one of your responses to me…I was looking for “Liam” in your email and perhaps it would be entitled, “California Psychics” in my mailbox?
Anyway…
Yes Liam I been discussing with myselfthe same issue. Yet you havemade it clear I want the relationship because I miss having the lot of commitment. The difference between her issue and mine is that I care for two men. One of them who is sweet, honest, and caring and the other a full blown douche. Both of them are unavailable to me and I am alright with it because I know I am not ready for the commitment I want. Yet I cant help to wonder out of these two men neither will have my heart at the end. Both hate to give me my way. Yet I would rather they be happy than to force them to wont to make me happy. I dont know.
Wow. I think Liam brought all his old emotional baggage to work with him today. I think what Naomi is saying that she would like to explore a relationship with this man, but is not willing to play the cheap and tawdry game of being one of many women this man is entertaining at the same time. No one wants to be just one of many options when it comes to love or sex. Naomi should absolutely respect herself and value herself enough to realize that she deserves to be THE one, not just one of many. I think Naomi does like (perhaps even love) this man. Shame on you Liam, for not realizing and agreeing that she has every right to love herself as well. Naomi knows herself, she knows what she wants and what she is and is not willing to accept from a partner.
my wife and i split up in november. i still love her, and she says she still loves me but does not want to live with me. it has been 3 in a half months now. we have had sex once but now she has a different place and a new job and working many hours. she is being mean to me in some ways but being nice to me in other ways. i like sex, she does too although she says she doesnt. what should i do she doesnt want to get the divorce but she doesnt want to live together either. i dont want to be married to someone who doesnt want to live with me, but i love her very much and just dont want to give up. i am in a dilema and dont know what to do should i go get the divorce and then move on or should i give her time. she has done this to me before move out then come home move out then come home. it has been going on now for the last six years like this and i jsut dont know what to do i dont want to give up on her but i am not happy. should i just move on
It is a waste of time investing your heart in a man who isn’t managoumous.
This atractive man who can have any woman at his disposal is dirty and maybe carrying a disease now! If u knew he had a disease this guy would then be a dime in a dozen the way he treat u! Some times what looks good isn’t good!
The attractive men think they can get away with more but they can’t fool mother nature. Life isn’t to abuse sexual gifts and take partners for granted. I would think karma would take care of putting bad people in their places.
Liam-YOU UNDERSTAND PEOPLE! enough said. Thanks
I see a man that works all the time but when he has time he will come to see me and we go out to eat and if he has time we spend time together and have a little sex and i have had other men ask me out but something tells me to say no because of this other man that i see once in a while and he also takes care of his mother i really care for this man so what should i do stay true to him or what
wow…I really like this straight answer! Sometimes you got trapped in this human game. Even though in your deep heart you know you don’t really love him but at the same time, you don’t want to be an unwanted one in his eyes either. Too bad it’s not easy to find the next attractive one otherwise she would be the one who plays the unwanted game!
Here is a guy who smoke india hem but lm in love with him ad I love him so much what can I do tostop him from smoking.
spoken like a true “M.A.N” in other words,..it is what is ,..and if you want him, you better be ready to accept HIS sexual appetites and relationship on HIS terms
Hmm,..wonder why it is that women are forever in ‘positions’ to HAVE to accept,..submit and do ‘things’ HIS way or the highway. A ‘blithering sexual zombie’?? tsk,tsk Liam,..NOT a good description for the values of faithfulness and monogamy. It is true though that better to leave the men who wave their tiny brains at all women then to try top change and re-arrange what we women refer to as LOSERS!!
Wow, Liam…you got right to the heart of the matter – tell it like it is. I love your approach. This answer is helpful to me in a situation in which I find myself currently. Your words ‘You must like the person’ really stood out to me. I think that I, too, have to examine and do some real soul searching to get to the heart of my own motivations.
Thank you for your frank approach. It really works for me.
Namaste
any one is there before marri sleep me and give me enjoy ment
liam young souls who put themselves on high who have no real understanding of life make this a dark and cold place
liam u have your head so far up your ass i cant believe people want or need your kind of shit advice, but i guess thats what happens when people get a taste of power or self delusional sense of authority. there is one one thing for sure we all have opinions, but like assholes we all have one of them to just like me . just because someone believes the world is flat dont make it flat. who is anyone to say what others life contracts are about unless one knows from reading there akashic records. it was really wise and understanding of you to shame this person for how they felt instead of leading them into a greater understanding of the nature of existance and what is to be a spirit wanting to know what its like to be human in this long journey of self discovery. you bring shame to this web site because of your ignore ance and arrogance! signed with love: HYPOCRIT
I think Liam said it very well. I learned a long time ago trying to change a person to fit into what I needed in my life at that time never worked out so well in the end.
I totally agree with Liam. Sometimes its hard to determine between love and lust…especially if your sleeping with someone on a regular basis. Just remember that while you are doing that your not making yourself available to meet or being ready to meet the one that really may be the match for you.
I say this from my own experience…and bad relationship habits.
I love You Liam, You are so smart and direct, if only we all had a friend like You by our sides daily, the world would be a much better place.