Sex Q&A: Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies or Stay Vanilla?

Sexual relationships can get complicated like all other types of relationships. Sometimes things get routine and boring and we need to step out of our comfort zones. Would you be willing to do this to please yourself or your partner even if that was to explore with other people?

Lorraine from Mbabane asks:

Hi, Liam. I have known him for three years, but only started our relationship a couple of months ago. He wants me to sleep with other men and then tell him about it. I must admit that the thought turns me on, but how can I be sure that he is not setting me up to see if I can be faithful to him? I left my ex for him. Thank you for you insight. Get more personalized advice on your situation, contact a psychic today!

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Lorraine. Ask any editor of any men’s erotic magazine what the number one male fantasy in the Western world is and the idea of a wife or girlfriend sleeping with other men will top the list. Obviously, your boyfriend isn’t alone. The reasons for its popularity are complex and fascinating, and for anyone interested in the phenomena I highly recommend Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, by David Ley. That being said, I feel there are some really important factors to your specific situation that need to be looked at very closely before you tread much further. There are a lot of potent emotions that go into any kind of alternative-sexual situation, and if you don’t know yourself and your partner very, very well, there could be some serious ramifications.

The concept of dominant and free female sexuality is found at the heart of the lifestyle you describe. Descriptions of it are found in erotica, literature and art quite often, and that’s not surprising. Science has shown again and again that while humans might prefer to live in primary pair bonds for a variety of reasons, the reality is that very few of those pair bonds are sexually monogamous. Studies show that a man will desire their mate more if he has reason to believe she’s sleeping with another. His testosterone levels and sperm count will rise dramatically in response to even an imaginary rival. For most couples in a standard vanilla relationship, the romantic spark of desire wanes in about three years. But for those who enjoy the sort of sexual lifestyle we’re talking about, the neurochemical patterns that support that spark seem to renew themselves for both partners over and over in direct correlation to the female partner’s external sexual liaisons. Ego and jealousy have no place in this sort of relationship and studies on the lifestyle show that men who are attracted to it appear to be far less jealous on the whole, willing to enjoy their mate’s adventures, often without indulging in extracurricular sexual activity themselves.

Now, I think it’s a fine thing that you’re willing to consider a concept that prior to our modern era was relegated mostly to artists and intellectual, bohemian types. But couples that seriously pursue this lifestyle hold honest, open communication as a thing of great value. In contrast, you fear this man is divulging his urge to see you indulge sexually with other men as some sort of covert test of your virtue. How well do you know this guy? And if he did turn away from you after you followed your desire with his encouragement, is that the sort of man you want to be with? It doesn’t seem to me that you’re communicating with him at all the way you should be. The bottom line is you don’t trust him. And if you don’t trust your partner, no form of open sexuality will ever work. Plain ol’ vanilla sex won’t work real well either.

All things considered, I would have to say that though your interest is awesome, you’re just not ready for this sort of thing. You left one man for another without any personal healing time between, and to be honest, I wonder if you’re even ready for a standard relationship at this point. You and your partner need to grow together in so many other ways before you decide to take any kind of alternative plunges. Someday, when you’re more secure in yourself, you may very well be prepared to make this journey, with this partner or some other. Until then, take it easy.

Liam

Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.

Exclusive offer: New customers can speak to a psychic for ONLY $1 per minute. Select your psychic advisor here.