Sex Q&A: Break Your Sexual Slump

Creativity is the Key to Longevity

Sylo from Chiloquin, Oregon asks:

My fiance has been kinda, I don’t know, dormant, I guess is a good way to put it. Is there anything I could try to get him in the mood? I’ve tried everything I can think of from skimpy to seductive and it just doesn’t work.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Sylo, and thank you for your question. What we have here is the typical conundrum that results from misunderstanding the natural dynamics of monogamous relationships, as well as a cultural misinterpretation of the historical marriage contract. Once again I find myself having to point out that marriage as an institution was never about passion. The subject of lust in any form is not generally made a main point of long-term contractual agreements. So as you now contemplate marrying this man, please be very realistic in your notions of what marriage is and what it is not. It is not about soul mates and “happily ever after.” It’s about genetics and progeny. It’s about survival and partnership. It’s about having one solid, reliable friendship that can be counted on in this world. And after all of that, then MAYBE it’s about a good sex life. But that, my friend, takes a whole lot of work.

As it is, you’re already experiencing the sexual burnout most couples face after being together for two or three years. It’s a natural cycle. Two people come together, mate like crazy, maybe produce a kid, then part to find other lovers and continue the genetic splatter-fest that is our evolutionary lot. It’s all about biochemistry. And those chemicals that cause people to want to make love for nights on end don’t last. A lot of the time they don’t even hang around for the standard two-year cycle. This has nothing to do with gender either. If you’re honest, I think you’d admit that you’re fairly sick of having sex with your fiance too. However, your sexual validation comes from his desire for you. In other words, it’s not so much that you want him but it is important to your self-image that he want you.

Having established the true foundation of your problem, let me say there are ways to help a couple who has lost their ardour for each other—ways that are tried and proven, though perhaps risque. In relationships where the partners have a more open sexual attitude, the problem you’re having is virtually nonexistent. Studies show that if a woman in a pair bonded relationship takes a lover, the chemical cycle that causes the love and sex hormones to flourish between her and her primary mate renews itself. Other studies have demonstrated that when a woman in a committed partnership goes away on a trip, the male partner’s sperm count rises and so does his desire to have sex with her. His physical system is alert to the potential that she may mate with another while she is away from him, so he is eager to inseminate her and combat the risk of rivals upon her return. And the woman’s interest in her partner increases as well. Couples who indulge in alternative lifestyles tend to understand and utilize these little tricks of nature. But in your very vanilla relationship with this man, he suspects no rival and since he’s already mated with you hundreds of times, his body sees little point in going further. You’re safe—tucked away if he wants you—and his desire wanes.

Now, you don’t have to go out and find some “alternate lifestyle” to indulge in if that isn’t your cup of tea. I went into all that for your own information—just as a clue to how everything actually works. But, even if you don’t go all the way, you can still use risque concepts, mystery and intrigue to your advantage. You can also work on your communication skills. As I look at this situation, it seems to me the two of you are missing each other in all of it. There are tons of expectations and a whole lot of hurt, but there doesn’t seem to be much real talking going on. You might seriously consider some pre-marriage counseling. And, as I’ve also mentioned before, know his fantasies. All men have a short, sometimes even singular, list of hot button fantasies and once you’re on the inside of that particular game, you’re golden. So go questing with a kind heart and an open mind because often these fantasies aren’t your run of the mill stuff. Be honest, be adventurous, and most of all remember, creativity is the key to longevity in any relationship.

Liam

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