Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sana from Beirut asks:
Hello Carmen,
I will try to make it short. I have been with a guy for three years now in an on and off relationship. He is known for jumping from one relationship into the other. Well, ours was a bit more serious because he proposed with an engagemnet ring and I met his family, but the guy never made any step forward. We are stuck in that stage and whenevever marriage is mentioned he makes excuses and asures me that he has no intention of hurting me or letting go of me, but at the same time he doesn’t treat me as nice as he is supposed to. This has been going on for so long. I feel lost, confused and doubtful. I’m in so much love that I can’t really let go of him. I feel devastated though because I can’t really get what is going on in his mind or heart. I would really appreciate it if you could give me some insights. Thanks in advance.
Carmen Responds:
Dear Sana,
Let’s start with the first sentence where you are stating that this has been an on/off relationship. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of details from you regarding him being faithful, or unfaithful, etc., so I will give you my insight based on what I am hearing and feeling from your words.
Well, girl, one thing comes to my mind right away: “Your lips are moving and all I hear is blah, blah, blah!” What I am trying to say is that you have been telling me a lot about his words, and from what it appears, there really haven’t been too many actions to back up said words. Do his actions match his words? If not, Psychic Rianne ext. 9423 can direct you towards someone better!
In all aspects of our life we measure our success and performance, as well as other people’s success and performance, on their actions. For example, when managing an employee, do you think making constant excuses means they would keep their job or help them advance? Probably not!
From what I am seeing, he is simply not ready for that next step. There are two ways to look at this. If he is treating you well in all other parts of the relationship and if you trust him, well, then stop nagging him until he is ready for that step. Constantly asking, demanding or even giving ultimatums are not going to change his mind, but more than likely they will push him away. Are you pushing him away? Psychic Karmystic ext. 9457 has a better way to communicate your desires.
On the other hand, if he has given you reasonable doubt, i.e. cheating on you, lying, not treating you well, etc., then it is time to see his elusive avoidance for what it really is—namely no intention of changing anything. Instead, he could be trying to keep you for as long as possible, before he finds what he truly wants.
The key is not in what he says, but in how he treats you, consistently! Only you can be the judge of that. If he is a good guy and treats you well, then don’t focus on what he is supposed to do, but on what you have together. If he has already committed with a ring, then why keep on him all the time for not haven gotten married.
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7 thoughts on “Speak Up: Will We Ever Get Married?”
Jail is a good is NOt to marryhim! PEARIOD!!! I had a PRE-engacemanet ring for 3 years! Found out he had another fiance wikth a REAL engagementg ring, and she had half of the visition rights!!! He married her, and was STILL coming on to me!!! I left the state. with no forwarding addess, and made sure my family did’t gve it give it to him, and new his faince and her her family wouldn’t either. (her sister was my BEST friend!!!) That’s the way to go!!! AMEN!!!
Wow.. at least I know I am not the only one out there! I have been with my fiance’ seince i was 13, on and off, 7 years solid now, i am now 25, we got engaged 5 years ago! Still not married.. I have made the plans, and set a date 3 diff times. He acts as if he doesnt want to marry me, so what the hell is going on? I ask myself this question all the time! He goes through this phase that one min he is happy as can be then the next he is misrable, I dont make him happy, and I dont ever do anything for him. Get this.. I am a stay at home mother of two, and all I ever do is for him! Then as soon as I “let it go” he wants to say that he is ready… so.. what do i do?? I am soo stuck! HELP PLEASE!!
Thank u for ur reply….
Dear Carmen,
I am struggling and hope you can help with my decision. I would like to move to the east coast to be closer to my sons and four grandchildren. Oldest is 10 youngest is 1 yrs old. My husband, 2nd husband, does not want to move and won’t budge. I am 55 and my biggest fear is having to start over. My heart is telling me to go as I know life is short and I will regret not being there. My sons would love me to be closer. I feel it is time for a change but I am in fear.
What do you see for me? thanks kindly.
Callie
Ah yes, I know this situation: heartfelt proposal, beautiful ring, solid relationship for five years before that. After the engagement, he was distant, cranky, wouldn’t discuss wedding plans.
Do you force his hand, or break off the engagement? This is a false choice. You can only break it off, because you can’t force someone to take marriage vows! That will never work! The only thing worse than being with someone who feels trapped, is permanently tying yourself to that person.
I found that out too late. You have to realize that he’s doing you a favor! Instinctively he knows he’s not right for you, and he’s giving you a way out. Take it while you can!
Something better is on the way for you, that won’t be possible if you’re attached. Even if that something were to be with this same guy, he won’t realize it until he goes through the breakup. So pull the bandage off quickly!
I know what you mean Carmen. I am sorta goingto the same thing. The man i am with i have been with before. Six years ago when we were in high school i moved away for them six years did stuff i’m not proud of and he isn’t very happy about. I come back and we got back together last year and was engaged. We broke up over the winter and have been back together for at least 7months. His mom and me went and got the wedding dress and everything he acts like he wants this to be a long realationship then other time he don’t.
I’ve been in a relationship for 14 yrs with Fredrick Baker my soul mate, friend for life will we get back he went to jail I found out he was cheating with lots of girls stop call me bout month ago was doing everything for him in jail luv him inside out . Thanks Regina Davis