Sex Q&A: Living Shades of Grey

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Be More Dominant?

Desiree from Pennsylvania asks:

I am so in love with my boyfriend but I long for so much more, sexually… I’ve recently become a sub. to a man online and don’t wish it to go further than online but I really want it in my everyday life. I’d love for my boyfriend to be more dominant. Is it possible that he will?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Desiree. This is the type of juicy, thought-provoking inquiry that makes my week. Still, I suggest we proceed from here with a healthy dose of realism. BDSM has been around for a very long time—kink has always had its place nestled in the subterranean depths of our social consciousness. But it seems these days there’s a movement to mainstream the raging beast of that subculture—to pack the savagery of Dionysus into a pretty, middle-America box.

Thanks to some current bestsellers, every vanilla missy out there is suddenly out to get her spank on. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m all for experimentation and expanding horizons. The problem is this particular beast isn’t one that can be convinced to play nicely and trying to apply the rules of romantic idealism to it’s raw and relentless nature can very often get you a good bite on the behind… or worse. This is a difficult and delicately balanced erotic exchange at the best of times and trying to combine it with the everyday chaos that is a long term pair bonded partnership can put even the most highly experienced partners up against the proverbial ropes.

For a lot of people in the scene the rule is your dom./sub. fix is never your live-in partner. That inclination is taken elsewhere into another relationship entirely. Now don’t get me wrong… there are many brave souls out there who are willing to face the inevitable storm in order to live a particular lifestyle day to day within their regular relationships. But that requires a level of dedication, knowledge and honesty that very few couples ever manage to reach. I by no means wish to discourage you in your pursuit, but be warned… it’s not easy to have what you ask for. And I’m not so sure you’d be ready for it if you got it.

You see, I have to wonder… if you love this boyfriend of yours so very much, then why do you want him to change? Why should he have to become something different in order to make you happy? Love is about accepting people for who and what they are—not wishing they’d change in order to fulfill your every whim. If you really need more, sexually, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to find it outside this relationship. From what I see it’s just not going to be possible for your boyfriend to become the dream dom. you desire. Though one can train for the vocation… good doms. are always well educated in all aspects of their craft—one must have a predisposition to the art and your boyfriend isn’t wired for hard sex, let alone dominant energy immersion. And what he’s not wired for you can’t turn him into.

So keep your cyber dom. and do what you’ve been very wisely doing. The cyber world is a very viable  and safe place to explore this lifestyle and you need a far greater understanding of yourself emotionally and sexually before you attempt to take things anywhere else. In time, that may change. For now, take it slow.

Liam

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