Sex Q&A: What Sort of Men Make the Best Lovers?

When you’re attracted to older men you may feel like guys your own age don’t make a good lover anymore. Is it about sexual experience or attraction?

Why Can’t These Guys Please Me?

Lauren from Tallahassee, Florida asks:

I just got out of a relationship that, even through all the downfall, I still recognize as one of my best sexual fits. Now that I’m back on the single scene, I am having trouble attracting people that, well, know what they are doing. I’m beginning to become fearful that my expectations are just too high. I’m 23, and I’m finding guys my age are just inexperienced. If I need to play the role as a guide, I will. But how can I do that without hurting their precious pride and ego? Or better yet, how do I attract a person who is a sexual fit?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Lauren, and thank you for writing. It is indeed a sad commentary that so often the people to whom we are most sexually responsive are also the most devastating to us on other levels. Ruling all our primal mating drives, Nature cares precious little for what is good for us emotionally. You are fortunate to be so wise at 23—able to understand that what is good for us in bed is not always good for us out of bed. A lot of people never get that lesson and go about endlessly making excuses to themselves and others in order to stay in abusive relationships because the sex is hot. But if one can muster the kind of insight you have then one can move on though doing so is often like taking a plunge in a dirty public pool with mediocrity and queasy vibes reigning supreme. How much of this is a result of the overall sexual malaise of our culture and how much is part of your own head trip is a matter of speculation though personally I’d wager both play a significant role.

First off, maybe you need to forget about men your own age for a time. There is a subtle subtext lacing your inquiry that says young bucks leave you cold just now. You complain of inexperience on their part, but I feel you may be masking a more fundamental desire. Men of clumsy inexperience… and women too for that matter…exist in all age groups. What I detect is a drive to couple with older men that’s natural enough for ladies your age. Younger females often seek out older males as their age is an indicator of genes capable of surviving hostile environments. The jury’s still out on the question where a younger fellow is concerned. Also the older male is often materially established and socially powerful… The list of the older man’s attributes goes on and on but you can claim their supposed sexual experience is a factor if that makes you feel better.

But regardless of age, I think the best question you asked is how to attract the “right” fit for you. I see that you’re a discriminating sort and discriminating people need to be careful, as this world isn’t really designed with elegance in mind. Modern culture tends to frown on notions of aristocracy but Nature is an aristocracy, is it not? For you, my dear, it should be more filet mignon and less Chick-fil-A. Put yourself around men who share your sensibilities. Check your day-to-day environment and be sure you’re hanging around places where the guys, whatever their age, are sensitive, focused and passionate. What sort of men make the best lovers? Poets, race car drivers and makers of cheese. When you’ve figured out what those three have in common, you’re getting close to the heart of the matter. But whatever you do, don’t stress over this. You’re 23. You’re not supposed to be stressed. Relax and enjoy.

Liam

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