Sex Q&A: Who is Your Ultimate Match, a Man or a Woman?

Sex Insights With Liam: Embracing Bisexuality

Daniel from Los Angeles asks:

Hi Liam,

Firstly, I want to thank you for reading my message. I have felt an inner dis-ease for quite some time due to burning questions about my sexual and romantic life. I am a college student in L.A.—and I’m bisexual. I have had encounters and workable flings with men for some time, but nothing that has sparked my soul. I wish to find my soulmate, or at least someone who I connect with on a spiritual level—regardless of their gender. I have been told by a few psychics that I am meant to be with a man, and by another that I am ultimately meant to be with a woman. To explain matters, if I am to find my soulmate in a woman, there is no need for me to “come out,” but if my fate is to be with a man, I feel I should start to prepare myself to live openly and freely. As a bisexual guy, finding someone can become even more frustrating because it is difficult at times to know where and with whom to focus your energy. I am more monogamy-oriented and don’t actively seek to live a double life or anything. Can you give me some of your frank insight?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Daniel, and thank you for this awesome inquiry. I answered another of your questions here during the summer months and I think this one is akin to your other, in which you asked me about a fellow you were dating and soulmates and psychic readings, but it follows a very different stream of inquiry, so let’s run with it. From what I see, your life is going to be a very interesting one, but I don’t want you to get caught up in over-analyzing your life script, or indulging in notions of fatalism. The universe is far more interesting and amazing than we can ever possibly know. To prescribe archaic and limiting notions to something so magnificent hardly does it, or us, any justice.

I’m not going to scold you for believing in soulmates. I probably did that in my last answer anyway. What I will do is suggest that you challenge yourself a bit more when it comes to how you choose to believe this universe works. The most important step in that challenge is to quit listening to everybody else. Whether they be psychics or preachers or politicians—brother, everybody thinks they have the answers. But the fact is, you don’t need any of their answers because every answer you need for you is already there in the rich, inner depths of your own subconscious.

Your best bet is to take up tantric yoga or go hang out with some shamans in South America. Write a novel or two, go to operas or volunteer to read books to sick kids in children’s hospitals. Write poetry on bar napkins and listen to the tales of bums at midnight. Foster the hidden parts of yourself, renew your sense of wonder and you’ll forget all about soulmates and destiny soon enough. Small, silly notions after all.

The subject of bisexuality often fosters controversy and for good reason. Bisexual men certainly do exist. Always have. But a lot of gay men feel that the bisexual label is one that gives closeted gays a hypocritical safe space. And I’m afraid you fall in that zone, my friend. I’m not saying this to be hurtful, but because I question from what I’m seeing whether you are actually bisexual or a young, gay man, who is very afraid of coming out to certain people in his life. You’ve got good reason to be afraid, so you keep the label as a way to avoid being totally honest with those people…or with yourself.

I’m not saying there aren’t certain women you might find attractive. Gay men can certainly find themselves attracted to a woman from time to time. But what we need to focus on is what will actually make you happy in your life and pretending to be bisexual, straight or whatever, when you are really gay, is no way to make yourself happy. You need to think clearly about this and start getting honest with yourself. Stop having so many readings and start living your life. You won’t regret it.

Liam

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