We’ve all heard the scientific explanations that human beings are not meant to be monogamous. We’ve heard that being monogamous is a learned behavior, usually enforced by hundreds of years of conditioning, mainly through religion and various cultural standards.
I do understand that conditioning plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves with others. But there is one huge factor that is too easily dismissed: free will. While we have a tremendous urge for survival, we also have one for instant gratification. We’re impulsive creatures at times, and we can get easily distracted. This isn’t necessarily good or bad, but must be measured against the vows and promises that we have given others.
I stopped clubbing in my early 20s. I simply stopped putting myself into situations where I could be tempted to stray, as I was going through a time in my life where my convictions and ways of being seemed rather volatile. It became a habit, and to this day I won’t put myself in harm’s way. I guess one could say I conditioned myself to avoid situations that might get scary. Sure, I’m human, and I do get attracted to other guys, but I don’t have to turn it into anything else, and there are many reasons for it. One of them is the promise I made to my husband to be with him and no one else. I am aware of the consequences of my actions, and simply can’t feign ignorance. I do have free will, and I chose to be married. Plus, I don’t see how a few moments of potential fun could possibly outweigh years in a loving relationship.
I think the one thing that a lot of cheaters (especially serial cheaters) are missing is a logical, rational understanding of reality: the knowledge that the grass is NOT always greener. And while people often cheat because their partner didn’t give them enough attention, or isn’t sexual enough, etc., they often fail to see that within no time the new partner is also becoming boring, and also has flaws. Suddenly it all becomes about feeding one’s ego, about instant gratification, and, most importantly, about getting attention. Serial cheaters can’t seem to get enough of it, no matter what. They crave constant flattery, and avoid anyone who would require them to be real, open, or to do work on themselves. I think they are generally very lonely, as they create a mere illusion of love and intimacy. Such an illusion can never lead to true happiness.
Doing the right thing often seems hard – especially in a world where doing the right thing is so easily overlooked, and one is so easily excused after doing the wrong thing. However, I think that the benefits, in the long run, outweigh anything else. I do appreciate a good looking guy, especially if he comes with other traits I admire. Who doesn’t? But I am content to admire from afar, stay friends, and know that I come home to my man who loves me no matter what, finds me exciting and funny no matter what, and can’t wait to see me. There is great happiness in being wanted and “needed,” and there can be great happiness in a life that is predictable. Maybe as human beings we are hard-wired to be difficult, but at least I can decide just HOW difficult my life has to be.
What path do you choose?
4 thoughts on “What Serial Cheaters Miss”
Actually, this is what is “wrong” with society. We live in a throw-away culture, where people no longer feel the need to be accountable or take responsibility. Instead, people are conditioned to play the blame game. We raise children with ridiculous expectations and don’t teach them the old values anymore. For example, we don’t have “losers” in school anymore. EVERYONE is a winner. Hence, people learn to have a sense of entitlement, the borders of right and wrong get blurred and there is always someone who is going to tell you that it wasn’t your fault and that you were justified in doing the wrong thing. Real is no longer our friend.
I remember telling my best friend off when I was still in Germany. She had not only cheated on her husband numerous times, but she left him, with their son, for one of the guys she cheated with. I told her that it was my job as her best friend to be there for her, but that I was angry and disappointed in her, that I think what she did was rotten and that I would not have her back again, if she chose to pull another move like that in the future.
Nowadays, when I tell a friend that what they are doing is messed up, I get a bunch of excuses, attitude and then I am told that I am judgmental. Alas, marriage is no longer about the vows we give. It is about the huge wedding and the expectation that there still is a backdoor and I get the walk “if I don’t like it anymore.” I don’t think most people are aware of the importance of one’s word anymore. THAT makes me sad.
This article made me think …..over the last 10 years I’ve seen a growing trend in society’s expectations of a marital life span.
I’ve heard clients, more and more, say things like””””” well, I’m hoping this marriage will last, at least, a few years….marriage doesn’t last forever anymore and they usually fall apart after 5 or 10 years , as one or the other gets bored and cheats “””””.
That’s sad.
Entering any marriage with that type of short term expectation can turn into a self-fullfilling prophecy…..
….I would not marry anybody if I didn’t think that I, or the other person, would not be able to go the distance.
But lifelong happy marriages are NOT extinct !!!!!!!…..I have seen couples marry ,within last 20 years, that are still happy and content….it’s all about being happy with who you are to begin with, and taking the time to find the right marital partner.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
Hi Carmen,
Another great article……
Serial cheaters ARE lonely…they are looking for somebodyelse to fill a void and make them happy, because they cannot find happiness within themselves. But it’s a bottomless pit that can never be filled by somebodyelse, as such it cycles..round & round…..
In reality…the only person who can make you truly happy…is yourself!
Marriage is not merely a document…..it is a promise…your word…..your bond.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
Hi, Carmen,
Wow! I always love your writings.
The thought has occurred to me that serial cheaters may be actually avoiding intimacy-if one has several people in your life you can be avoiding being close with any one person. I do agree with you that “new” does become “old” or at least familiar after a while, and that ego and attention and the type of ego and attention that exists in the “new, new” part of a relationship is addictive to some.
I agree with you that predictability with the right person or situation is very satisfying.
Thanks again for a super article,
Sincerely,
Maryanne
Ext. 9146