Red Responds: Missing Something Emotional

Red,

Please help me sort out my love life. I am fairly happily married to my high school sweetheart but am missing something emotional here and it’s breaking my heart to not feel a stronger connection to him. A short time ago I met a guy who I also thought was terrific but I think I scared him away. I am not looking to marry the guy (he is already happily married he told me and I don’t want to leave hubby).

Will I be able to connect with my hubby better and will I reconnect with the stranger again sometime… even as friends? Or are they in conflict with each other? Or is there some entirely new arrangement headed my way that hasn’t shown itself yet? Also, I am finally getting into my preferred career (visual art and perhaps animation) and think that will open different doors to me, refresh my outlook.

Thanks,
Xena

Dear Xena,

You are coming through quite vulnerable, which is very dangerous to your marriage. Particularly because your husband isn’t aware of it.

Stay away from the “stranger.” Actually, all strangers, unless you really want to open the door to more confusion and a pretty intense affair. If you go down that road, you will find yourself emotionally torn between two men, and some pretty intense struggling with “right” and “wrong”. It just looks like a whole bunch of heartache that you can avoid, if you choose to.

As for your marriage, it feels like it is coasting along on auto-pilot. It can continue on indefinitely this way, or you can create some chaos and turn it around. Things aren’t going to “just change” — you have to create that change. Unfortunately, the communication between you and your hubby is lacking when it comes to the serious and emotional issues. Table conversation is great, but it is not enough to keep the passion alive.

If you really want to improve the connection with your husband, you are going to have to take a risk by being brutally honest with the man, and equally willing to listen to him. I’m not saying that it is going to be easy, and it seems that things will get a little darker and bit stormy. But only for a while. That’s what I mean by creating some chaos.

It will be a highly charged, emotional situation. Things will get loud, but I’m not seeing any physical confrontation. If that is something that concerns you, even in the least, have a third party around to play mediator. Ultimately, if either of are willing to go, counseling would be the best venue.

Be forewarned, he is not going to react well to a conversation that starts out with the line, “Honey, I’m not happy,” but it needs to be done if you want to alter the course that has currently been set in motion.

What you are unaware of is on many levels he feels the same way. Passion and connections between two people are like there own living entities. These things need attention, nurturing and caring in order to remain healthy and strong. They require effort, and sometimes getting your hands dirty in order to maintain them.

Your marriage does not have to fail, nor do you have to sacrifice the emotional aspects of the relationship in order to keep it together. But the time to work on it, change it, is now. Six months from now will most likely be too late.

While changes and advancement in your career will do wonders for you personally, it is not the key to your personal fulfillment. Yes, it helps, and it does make you feel more accomplished and empowered. But the bottom line is, you can have your career and a fantastic love life with your husband, if you are willing to take the risk and try.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide!

Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226