Red Responds: He Lied About His Name

Dear Red,

I’ve been dating Jake for a little over 5 months now. I felt he was “the one” on our very first date, and my feelings grow stronger for him every week. During a psychic reading, the psychic asked me for his name and after telling her it was Jake, she hinted I may want to ask him if he went by any other names. I thought this was odd, but I asked him, and he confirmed that his name was Jake. Finally, I broke down and went through his wallet while he showered. His name wasn’t Jake, but Matthew. To make things worse, “Jake” wasn’t even his middle name! Why would he keep this from me for so long and how should I bring it up with him? I’d really like things to work out between us, but I fear his secrecy and my reactions to his secrecy may both be deal breakers. How can I trust a man who’s real name I’m not supposed to know?!

Please help.
Nameless

Dear Nameless,

Your man may have been born into the name Matthew, but he does also go by Jake. So while he may be hiding his birth name from you, he isn’t looking at this little oddity as a true lie. Beyond that, I’m failing in finding a reason as to why he feels the need to keep his birth name from you. It’s just coming through as something he does, part of his character.

There is no easy way to bring this up to him without revealing yourself as a proverbial “snoop”. But the deeper issue involved is one of honesty and communication. To let the name thing go unaddressed is going to continue to eat at you, so it does need to come out into the open. The catch is that if you are going to ask for honesty, you should be prepared to return it.

If I were in your shoes, I’d give him the opportunity to fess up. Ask him to see his driver’s license photo. He may think the request is odd, but he most likely will comply. Then you can address the issue head on and get it out of the way. If resists or questions why you wish to see his license, be bold enough to tell him. Yes, the man will think you are a bit nuts when you reveal that a psychic indicated to you that his name may not be his name; but it does more or less put him on the spot to prove to you he is who he says he is. In the unlikely event he would refuse, you pretty much know all you need to at that point.

Going a step further, you have the upper hand. You have knowledge that he doesn’t know you have. It is entirely your decision to reveal or not to reveal that you snooped. Your relationship does come through as strong enough to overcome these bumps of dishonesty in the road. If you choose the path of complete honesty, know that he will be less than thrilled to know that you went through his wallet. However, he can actually understand why you did it. To completely clear the air takes guts; as it does test the relationship.

I don’t see his lie or your reaction to it as “breaking the deal” between the two of you. The emotions you have for each other are real and strong enough to keep things intact.

The real area of concern is that the two of you dance around each other to keep things “good”. Every waltz eventually comes to end. The question is how long do you want to dance before you get down and get real?

Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226