Are You a Chameleon in Love?

First off, let’s take for granted that love, wonderful love, does change you – for the better. Loving another person transforms us. The very act opens us to a greater expression of who we are in the world and that is the wonder of growth. But, sometimes, the first throws of attraction turn us toward a love that is more like “lust for attention” and we will do anything to keep the spotlight of a new courtship on us!

And pretty soon the “growth” we are experiencing is like a plant growing sideways to chase the sun. Ultimately, it’s just not going to work. It can start with good intentions! Most regrettable things do. Like, you take up a new sport to play with your new beau. And that’s admirable. But then you find that if it’s easy to change your exercise routine, it’s easy to change your wardrobe, your hair and then, worst of all – your inner dialogue. Ever walked down the street and heard your partner’s opinions in your head, but you’re walking by yourself? Then you are seriously in the danger zone.

So, if you have chameleoned your way through a relationship or two, you know it can’t sustain over time. And, if you’ve ever woken up in the middle of the “meld” you know it is incredibly hard to get back to your true self. So, what can you do to keep your feet on the ground while letting someone new into your life?

Know yourself
Get to know yourself before you get into a relationship. This really isn’t a trite statement. Particularly if you are popular in your dating life, it may be the hardest thing to accept. Knowing who you are starts with cultivating hobbies and participating in things you enjoy. The reason you do this isn’t to define your “self” by the things you like – hiking, reading popular books, movies, etc. – but to have the experience of things that make you feel good.

As you create joy in your life by doing the things that make you happy, you become the light of your true self. That is the light that attracts an intimate partner. It’s not necessary that they enjoy the same things you do. But it is necessary that both parties know how to take care of their inner selves. When you are feeding your being, changing who you are to please someone else becomes a very unattractive option because you’re having such a great time being you.

Feed yourself
Keep feeding that inner self while you are looking for your partner. You can’t just drop the things that feed your heart when you feel that initial attraction. Right when you want to spend every moment you have with someone, is when you must take time to settle yourself back into your true self. It won’t be easy. The ego loves attention and affection. But just keeping one thing sacred can go a long way. You will spend a lot of time bonding with your new person, but that one night a week when you get together with some pals to box at the gym? Keep that date. Because there you remind yourself that you are a completely whole person – all on your own!

We lose ourselves in relationships when we don’t give our own spirit any time to detach. We change ourselves when we are afraid we will loose someone’s attention. So, step into that fear and separate a few nights a week. You’ll find yourself back into your skin and centered again and this will go a long way towards keeping you, well you.

Be yourself
Don’t lie about anything. No matter what. Don’t apologize for your opinions. Don’t even kind of agree with something if you don’t. Healthy people find it sexy when someone has their own opinion about things. By simply agreeing with someone because you are attracted to them, you are lying to them and to yourself. This one is extreme because it’s the number one reason that relationships are so daunting. Everyone is so eager to be loved, they lie to each other. Then a few months go by and you can’t even find the place where you knew who you were. Ever had the moment when you realize the person you are dating isn’t who you thought they were? Exactly!

If you have a past pattern of dating domineering people or if you were raised in a home where you were forced to agree with your parents and different opinions weren’t tolerated, simply telling the truth in your intimate relationships will be daunting. But this one principle will be the biggest step to healing yourself and others.

Having new love enter your life can shake you to the core. Every insecurity you have about yourself will come up – fast. It’s going to take a lot of believing in yourself to keep the fear out of your love and stay true to who you are. With “Be yourself” as your mantra of love, a love that is uniquely you will soon come knocking at your door.