Break Up to Breakthrough

You tried the best way you could to make the union work. But alas, the relationship turned ugly. They screamed, you cried, you screamed some more. Perhaps, the breakup dragged on and on for months – you split so many times, you now can’t stand the sight of one another. Or maybe they simply dumped you. Either way, it’s finally over and it hurts… a lot.

A bad breakup has to be acknowledged as a death of sorts. Someone you were deeply attached to is no longer going to be in your life and frankly you don’t yet know how you are going to cope. But with death comes new life. And as much as it pains you, separating doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Ultimately, if you learn from your foibles, you have more of a chance of happiness in your next relationship.

When the going gets tough, here are some tips to empower you.

Don’t make that call!
At night, when you are missing that warm familiar body and you desperately want to reconcile, remember the reasons why you resigned from the relationship in the first place. You may be in pain now, but you were also in pain during the relationship, remember? Bear in mind the points of contention: you couldn’t communicate in a constructive way… they had an explosive temper… you exhausted your energy in petty squabbles… you hated that they had a few drinks every night. Whatever. Keep those reasons in plain view. Write them down if you have to.

“Mismatched people are akin to square pegs in round holes. There’s no such thing as a pair of happy misfits,” affirms Marc H. Rudov, author of The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women. There’s a good reason you broke up, and in the long run, you will be better off to pursue a more suitable relationship. Every thing happens for a reason. Believe, breathe and Let Go.

Sailing solo rocks
You no longer have a lover by your side, but you will survive. It’s better to be alone than to be in an un-nurturing relationship. Did you become co-dependant along the way? Look within and remember your inner strength. To truly love you and be self-content is the only sure way to have a thriving partnership. You don’t need another person to make you feel whole. You have to be your own individual. Finding a partner then becomes the icing and not the cake.

Now that you’re newly single, establish a relationship with yourself. Put yourself out there even when you don’t feel like it. It’s hard but it’s called Contrary Action. Open your mind to new things rather than engaging in old, knee-jerk behavior. This is the time to change bad habits. Develop positive attributes in yourself – the kind you want to see in the next person with whom you will explore a relationship.

Spin, wash, but never repeat
Take the wisdom you have gotten and make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes you may have made. For that matter, be mindful to not attract another person who may not be the best for you. i.e: Do you have a habit of choosing someone who is a control freak, substance abuser etc.? Visualize what you want in a person because we all have the power to manifest. It’s no accident that you attracted your ex to begin with. Ask yourself, “why?” What did you learn? It’s because of your ex that you now have a better idea of what you like and what you want. Thank them silently for this! And when you do meet someone new, trust your gut instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore those gut feelings! Acknowledge the red flags damn it! For instance, if the hot guy with the piercing blue eyes feels like a rebound – make it absolutely clear with yourself (and even him), lest you find yourself in another dead-end relationship. Learn from your mistakes and you move towards success!

It’s your party…
Give in to the grief and let yourself feel your feelings. While you do mourn, put away all mementos and photos until you have dealt with your grief. Closure is the goal, but if you want to achieve this you must make sure that you don’t repress any feelings. If you do, you won’t be emotionally available for the next person. A symbolic gesture can be a start toward accomplishing this goal. For instance, a friend of mine, who was livid that her husband left her for a younger woman, decided to write her ex a letter. She didn’t send it, the point was to get it all out. In the end, she ripped the letter to shreds and flushed him, I mean, it down the toilet. Miraculously she also got rid of some of his hold on her.

Know thyself
Understanding your romantic patterns is one piece of the puzzle. Another is to understand yourself and what’s important to you. Take an honest look at yourself. This is an opportunity to look at your emotional baggage, like fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy and of course, fear of rejection. “By just being aware of what went wrong and what was right with your relationship, you can use these new perceptions to prevent future relationship problems with someone else,” says Debbie Mandel, M.A. and author of Turn On Your Inner Light and Changing Habits. . The key to finding the right person is to be the right person.

If you’ve experienced a few breakups too many – Take heart! Remember, the more you date, the more you increase the probability of meeting the right person.