One of the most difficult things in any relationship is cheating and infidelity. How we overcome and survive this situation is not easy.
Can the Wounds Be Healed?
Nobody wants to find out that their partner, spouse, or lover has cheated. Infidelity is survivable, but surviving such a betrayal isn’t simply a matter of forgive and forget. All the spiritual maturity in the universe may not be enough to salve inevitable wounds and scars. So what do you do?
Once you’re certain of cheating or betrayal, confront it and begin to heal yourself. It’s not time to offer your partner understanding or forbearance. Find your own solace, support and strength. That takes time and (as when we grieve), everyone is different. Have you been cheated on and struggle to forgive your partner? We can help you on your personal journey with our professional guidance.
What to Do First
Digest what you’ve learned and decide with total self-honesty whether you want to stay in this relationship. Dig deep into your soul and spirit. Evaluate issues surrounding your relationship and don’t lie to yourself. You’ll know if this pairing is worth saving. Recognize and poke at your emotional, spiritual, and psychic pain. Your wound, as debilitating as a war injury, is as painful as any broken bone.
Go with your soul. When you’re committed to working through this, tell your partner clearly that you’re not ready to talk, and you’ll come to him (or her) when you are, but you’re not willing to fight while you help yourself. It’s take it or leave it.
Find a counselor, spiritual advisor, your psychic advisor, or whoever you need to work through your feelings. Have a definitive plan to move forward with or without your offending partner. When you feel strong and centered, it’s time to make clear your rules and boundaries.
What You Don’t Want to Do
Don’t snipe or argue—that just slows your healing. Don’t feel guilty. This isn’t your fault. No matter what issues a couple faces, cheating isn’t a healthy response. Your partner cheated because he or she decided to cheat.
No retaliation sex. You’ll feel terrible. You’ll get angrier. You may never repair your relationship. Your time for love and sex will come, but this is not that time and you don’t know, yet, who the right person is.
Never drag children into it. Find a trusted adult for support, and don’t keep this pain inside. Get healing help. Would you cast your own broken leg?
Forgiveness and Healing Together
Forgiveness is within your reach, and whether you stay together or split, you need to forgive your partner. Forget? No, put this behind you, move on, form a more mature bond, but never pretend there was no pain. These steps have worked for other people:
Be clear that you expect honest answers to your questions. We need to see the gore when life is shattered. Your partner must be prepared to bleed a little with you.
Make no decisions until your feel centered and certain your choices are based on your needs and wants.
Keep an open mind. Give the benefit of the doubt and take baby step to trusting again. Avoid jumping to conclusions. Keep communication open.
This sounds contradictory, but keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t ignore your instincts. Understand that the best predictor of present behavior is past actions. Your partner needs to demonstrate trustworthiness.
Take all the time you need. You’ll learn to trust again, and learning isn’t instant. Be patient. Cry.
Fight. Fighting is normal and healthy and you have things to fight about. Get professional counseling to facilitate the fighting and help you both learn fair rules.
Say what you think, out loud. Ask for what you need. Listen to what your partner has to say, but right now you come first.
You decide when to trust intimacy. Don’t put out until you trust your feelings.
There will be setbacks—be ready. If you have step back and begin again, that’s ok. You’re grieving.
Listen to your inner voice. Open yourself to messages from within and trust them. Take care of yourself, take time for meditation and reflection and get in touch with what you’ve learned from this trial.
May your spirit be soothed. May your heart be healed. May your relationship bring you joy and pleasure and may your find the right way for your future.
“Real trust takes real time.” – Reed ext. 5105
“You will become independent again. You will start to smile again, embarking on the new foundation that you are building. As time passes you will even feel like dating again.” – Asia ext. 5486
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4 thoughts on “How to Build Trust After Infidelity”
Hello Kris from Australia, I like your attitude, I admire your drive and empathy with the situation, I have been through this, not as the victim but as the man who needed to leave a difficult life, reading in between the lines you have not failed, you have just both changed, life is short and nothing is permanent, please always remember that. I admire the responsible way your husband has towards the house and your financial stability, I think he still loves you but maybe not in love, this does not mean you have failed either of you, it is impossible to remain the same, we evolve, we change with changing circumstances and age. I was that man but my life story is different but I still love my x in a caring way and do things that support her if required. Time is a great facility for clarity and that cannot be rushed, stay strong, thank the universe for all the positives your time has bought you over the time you had together, for I am sure they outweigh all the negatives. Good luck and stay focussed on positives.
Continuing cheating wife on her husband. I always wanted a big family I think my husband kyle only wanted 2 so I hoping for alittle girl my first ultrasound they said it was a girl,he had 2 names already picked out 1st one was MaryJane and the 2nd was duhlyla don’t think I spelled it right its after a song.noah was only 6mos old when I got preguant,and my other 2 children my very first my beautiful daughter lakota,god gave the girl everything beauty,brains she been one honor roll every quarter has missed one yet she 15 now she was 10 when kyle and I got together and my 2nd he’s had a rough life ever since he’s been born he was due aug 22nd but he ended up being gma’s little firecracker born 4th of july of my main hospital I go to couldn’t take me they could do it they didn’t have a neonatal ward so instead of med flight to madison would of took less than 10 mins I know this from experience that scary but we will get to that later,so am In the ambulance its about a 40 min ride on a good this july 4 it about 1hr and 25 all the way to the hospital I knew something was seriosly. Wrong course when we final get theree the hospitial was under construction so the emt’s got lost.they final got me we’re i need to be a nurse came in and did my vital 34/17 u could see the panic in her face that’s when I started to cry,she lefted the sheet they had on my and actually said oh my god.she said I was only coming down for obverations,they were not prepared for this.I don’t remember much after that but waking up looking at best friend hold my little boy and feeding him she was the only that would my little peanut. The first thing I asked was how much did he and the only thing I heard was 714 I omg he’s that huge was on so much drugs I could hardly talk or make sence everyone laugh and no he was born 7:14 pm and weight 3pds 8ounces but he was perfectly health.nobody wanted to tell my that I had died just before the doctor got but they got my son out he wasn’t breathing either of course my best friend couldn’t be in there at all.so about 6mins has past and they final got my son breathing they took him to a different room where they cleaned him and bought him out for my family and my bf jessica and good friend heather to show them him and they thought the nurse was gonna give them some bad news they didn’t see my son she was holding him behind her back,when my father saw that he flipped out and said what if u drop him my bf settle him down my bf has a gift w my father no one can settle him down when he’s pissed but her,don’t know what that gift is but thank you jessica and they asked about me they said u could tell by her voice and action it was good.that’s when everyone kiss my son head and prayed please bring this little boys mommy back I guess they worked on me for about mins I can back twice but my heart work right,but here am and my bf friend and I. Named him jessejames after her and his father james.I will be back to write more. Edited kyle and tina’s marriage
I didn’t want it to stop. So I settled. In that year we hardly spoke, he spent alot of time in the bedroom watching TV and even having his dinner in there. I said nothing. Finally, he made the decision to tell me that he had been “depressed” for the last year and that he wasn’t happy and he had decided it was time to leave. I didn’t yell or scream or anything. I accepted that he had finally made the decision to move on and that was it. He wanted me to help him tell the kids which I obviously was NOT going to do. His decision, his confrontation. What was funny, however, was that he didn’t mention “the other woman”. He did, however, tell me that I would find someone else and this is where I made the move to say “like you did?” He tried to backtrack telling me he wasn’t leaving for that reason and I got another dig in by telling him that I had received an anonymous call telling me of his infidelity – I didn’t tell him when.
I went through lots of emotions and terrified that the kids and I would lose the house but he has spent that last year settling all our financial worries and to this day continues to pay for the house and some of the bills while the kids live with me.
I can’t fault him for doing the right thing after the fact and I’m living quite a comfortable life. I don’t hate him but I also trusted this man for 26 years. He was the one man who would never lie to me and always did the right thing. I have no intention of moving on with anyone else and if it happens, it happens, but certainly trust is gone and I don’t think I’ll ever get that back. It’s disappointing but I have great family support and I’m enjoying my freedom and I might be alone but I’m not lonely. I have a life and intend to live it.
I was cheated on and found out a year before he left. What was funny is that when I found out I didn’t feel anything. I finally came to the conclusion that I was “settling”. I had worked hard in this marriage – my kids were grown but still living at home and I could finally afford to splurge on things I wanted. I didnt