How Your Ex Taught You to Love Better and More Freely
Anyone who has ever loved has also, in all probability, had their heart broken somewhere along the line. It doesn’t really matter which person called it quits first. What really matters is all those messy, unattended “strings” that make it feel like closure will never come.
Rest easy, gentle reader! Help is on the way! You don’t have to sit at home plotting revenge or go out every night just to show how desirable you are. The answer to putting a nice big “X” in front of the one you no longer have in your life is simple, but it will take a little patience and some real determination on your part. You will be given homework and you need to study because Life is the ultimate test and teacher.
For instance, say you are going about your business, happy and enjoying the company of a suitor (or two!) and you rarely think of your ex at all these days. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, something pops into your life and dark and sinister emotions begin to stir again. Why is such a situation still causing unsettling emotions? Chances are it distills down to a simple concept: It is probably because you have never been acknowledged for the good things you did while you were with that person. You were never appreciated and you could never get closure without some kind of positive acknowledgement.
If you’d like to get closure and move on to find new love, I can help you. Call me for a love reading today!
You Gave Them Everything
When you two were together, you really gave it your very best. You gave them love, a home, clothes, food, money, medical attention…whatever it was that they needed, you tried to provide. Many times you did without things just so they could be given what they needed, or so you thought at the time.
The Evil Spin Doctor
Now you find out that they spin history in a fevered pitch. Suddenly you are the most evil thing this side of one-size-fits-all pantyhose! The more you try to defend yourself, the more you begin obsessing and that begins a dreadful downward spiral. Yes, they spread lies about you. Yes, their version of history was obviously written by Stephen King. And, yes, there is nothing you can do about it that won’t exacerbate the problems.
It Takes Two
In your logical mind, you know that the breakup was really the cause of BOTH of you. It is rarely plausible that the entire time could have been completely bad for one and completely wonderful for the other. However, now is a good time to really analyze why your relationship ended and what was your true role in the dissolution.
Attributes and Shortcomings
Write down 10 things for which you are very proud that you did while you were with them. Then write down 10 things for which you aren’t so proud that took place during your relationship. Beside each attribute and each shortcoming, write down why you did what you did and how you think it would have made your ex feel at the time. No fair trying to justify, just write down the raw emotion.
Often when we think we are helping someone (whether it’s financial or emotional or whatever) we are actually forcing them to stay in a subservient role. In order for there to be a “savior” in a relationship there must also always be a “victim.” One cannot exist without the other. As you can see it is very easy to slide into the “enabling” role without ever meaning to do such a thing.
When you look at making sacrifices for someone, what you are really doing is encouraging them to use you. You are telling them by your actions that you deserve to be disregarded and your needs are not as important as theirs. There will always be times when certain sacrifices should be made, but those moments should be localized and limited and they should NOT become a way of life.
You Don’t Need to be a Superhero
Once you have looked at your lists, begin to realize that each moment in that relationship was endured and experienced just so you could love better and more freely when the next person comes into your life—and believe me, there WILL be a next person. This time, however, you will not allow yourself to begin a relationship with someone who needs to be “repaired.” If they start the conversation off by telling you all of their “problems and frailties” take a polite exit and don’t look back! They are trolling for a superhero and you do not have that kind of time!
Look at your ex now and ask yourself whether never receiving a “thank you” from them is really worth ruining a perfectly good day. Look at the people in your life now who love you, who cherish all your strengths and weaknesses and who do so as strong and balanced human beings, not broken or wounded souls who need to be carried to their next drama point.
Your Deserve Better
You deserve better and that is exactly what you will receive when you look at what you have and learn from what you no longer possess. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is apathy. Do not deaden your heart toward your ex, but, instead, look at the lesson and release the emotion. The Universe can handle such magnitudes of feelings far better than the human heart. The Universe has much more storage room!
36 thoughts on “Don’t Hate Your Ex!”
Having dealt with this situation myself, I know, firsthand, how challenging moving on after a breakup can seem.. At first I did not want to acknowledge my role in the breakup of the relationship. I was always trying to do what I thought was helping my partner, but I was really just enabling the eventual destruction of the relationship and, at the same time, neglecting myself.
Once the initial shock of the breakup wore off, I started to really assess the relationship and began to see things in a more unbiased light. I can now see that communication and trust were two of the bigger pieces that were missing. I had been afraid to speak my truth because I was afraid of rejection. Like the article says, “whatever you fear in this life, you will face.” Without a foundation of trust, no relationship can grow into a healthy, long term experience. I first had to learn to trust myself before I could ever hope to trust another person.
.Now, I am finally thankful for my ex. I was caught in a vicious circle of allowing myself to be the victim in every relationship in my life! After taking some time off to examine myself, my past, and my desires for the future, I became a stronger, more confident person. Finding my voice and finally loving myself enough to stay true to who I am has changed everything. It’s just a matter of honestly looking at the situation and pushing through to the positive, leaving the negative behind. In a way my ex gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive: my voice!.
To all of those who are having a hard time finding your footing in your relationship, I strongly recommend Jesse! She helped me with mine and I can’t thank her enough. I am now in a positive and loving relationship that is growing and thriving more every day. Thank you, Jesse, for holding my hand through this powerful and empowering time of my life!
This article is fabbo! I believe we cannot grow without honesty, we have to accept where we went wrong, what silly things we may have done wrong and our mistakes! It is all to easy to blame others when things go wrong, we have all been there and had the victim mentality at some stage! The TRUTH is we cannot grow or prosper as people until we admit our failings and EMBRACE our lessons.
I have had so much sadness and hard times, but when people say omg why are you so happy and philosophical about it I tell them that life is a journey and we are here to learn and teach lessons!
Yes my heart hurts, yes I have sad moments, yes I have down times, but the KEY is learn from it and embrace the lessons, for that does free us up to mature and develop as humans but more than that as SOULS.
I would of been lost without this CP site and the great blogs we have on here. I feel close to some and connected to others all in the comfort of privacy, and knowing my tonic is the great authours sharing there wisdom and experiences, but more importantly the other people who also are enduring life as we know it, and being brave enough to share it
Happy days !
Dear Lavender,
Just like you misspelled the word “sentence”, some of these folks might be writing with so much emotion that they do not pay attention to what they are actually writing. One of my favorite books is “Anguished English”. It is hilarious and, fortunately, no names are used so no one gets their feelings hurt.
I have my degree in English Literature and I still find myself goofing up with the occasional “typo”…or sometimes I am simply incorrect.
I ask that my readers have patience with each other, themselves, and of me. We are, after all, merely mortal.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Very nice! Thank you.
I want to thank every one of you for your wonderful comments.
I will try to respond to each one of you who are reaching out and/or asking questions.
Nadia, sweet one, you are going to have to give your heart time to heal. There is no way any one man is going to be able to heal all the pain you have experienced. Professionals will suggest twice as long for healing as the length of the relationship. If you were together 2 years but the relationship really started falling apart 6 months ago, plan on giving yourself a year (twice the 6 month time zone) before getting back in the deep water. It may seem like a long time, but in order to have a really great relationship, it takes time. You wouldn’t feel very safe in a house that only took a week to build, right? Of course you wouldn’t! Foundations take time to set and become strong. Relationships of any kind are just the same.
Jackie, Stan is in your life to teach you several lessons. However, that is what all soul mates are here to do. You have to teach him some important lessons, too. Please take your time and let this grow.
Doris, I do not claim to know everything. My article was about ex’s, not deceased spouses.
Jorge, you have no business being in ANY relationship as long as you have this attitude. There is no greater gift a man can give to a child than for the man to be in love with the child’s mother. You should commit to a woman and love her above all and MARRY HER…THEN look at conceiving a child together. You want a child for your ego. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth. With more than 7 billion people on this planet (and at current consumption rates, the planet can only support approximately 4 billion!) I suggest you look into adopting. If you do not qualify for adoption, you need to ask yourself why. There are plenty of wonderful children who need good, loving homes. Being with a woman just to have a child is going to guarantee a divorce!
Merlyn, God DOES have a much better plan for your life. Why not go somewhere this weekend and do something you used to enjoy when you were a kid? Fly a kite on the beach, make snow angels and then have some hot chocolate, whatever the weather allows, go do something fun just for you. It won’t be any time at all before you are completely over your ex and ready to move on. Start relationships as just friends and THEN let them bloom into something amazing.
Sharon, my ex had several physical and mental disorders and it took a lot of courage to realize that I was enabling instead of helping. Once you tip that corner and begin the enabling cycle, it takes a lot of strength to get out of that role. You are going to do great and wonderful things in your life and you will meet an amazing partner this year. Make sure you stay balanced and examine what is within you that drew this person into your life. Whatever we fear in this life is also what we will face. Look at your dreams, hoped and fears and systematically remove the fears. Sometimes we fall for con artists or crazies and there really is no sense at all as to their
presence in our life. However, when the big picture comes into view, that’s when you get to see that you would never have met the real love of your life had you not walked through the fire that your ex created.
You are all wonderful blessings and I thank you for your insight and responses. Keep up the great work and know that I am available anytime you need me!
I’m just wondering why most of the people that have written responses to this article can’t write a proper sentense. They all sound like they don’t know english and most make no sense.
I saved this poor bastard’s life. He felt his marriage to me was merely contractual, he never meant to be true or a good man. The best move I made was leaving him. He was a violent, hurtful drunk. I wasted too much time in that relationship. Good riddance.
While I appreciate this article, how do you make peace with the fact that yourself and your ex offered each other the moon and the stars, yet he didn’t tell you he suffers a severe mental illness, (bipolar disorder) and in reality, was in a hypo-manic/manic state when we met, that lead to full blown psychosis including delusions and accusing me of horrendous things I didn’t do in the year we were together? He exited while suffering psychosis. I’ve dissected this relationship in my mind for many months (PTSD?) and although I’m far from perfect, I can’t see how I could have handled things any differently. I had no idea what I was witnessing. While manic just days before his departure, he stole all my family heirlooms. His family advised me of his illness after he left. While I realize his illness is not his fault, did he not have the responsibility/obligation of advising me, especially when he asked me to marry him?
He cried many times in my arms of his deceased Father, meanwhile he stole all I had left of mine and every other family member. It’s been 18 months and not a word of regret or apology from him. He changed the way I view life and the world forever and not in a positive way. I’m still stuck and stunned while he’s out enjoying his thefts and his happier than happy robotic mania. He continues to post all over the internet 1.5 years later despicable lies about me.
This is not my first breakup by any means, but the most painful I’ve endured. How can I not hate him? We went from bliss to disaster with nothing in between. I’ve since found out he has a criminal record a mile long. I didn’t let him down in any way. I don’t know how to ever trust ANYONE again. Although I believe in forgiveness, I can’t find it for him.
its really hard to move on coz until now i still do love him even he breaks my heart. i hope i can forget him and coz life must go on i wish i can teach my heart whom is right guy for me to love and start a new relationship again but my heart only wants him.
Never have hated my ex. Had wished he had gotten himself help, felt and still feel sorry for him, missing being in his son life. But he made his choices, do know he has reached out after 30 plus years, staying out of it, does not concern me, they are two grown men now. Its been so long ago really do not even think about him. Hope all the best.
Hi Jason. This comment is for you.
When you meet your future lady that you really care about, you will make darned sure that you will not be a “worthless boyfriend.” Your words, not mine, my friend.
When that time comes, you will be able to look back at Jess and be glad that you learned who you do not want to be in a love relationship. Your future lady will be grateful.
We can all learn what we do not want in a relationship, what we will not tolerate in a relationship, and who we, ourselves, will not become again in a relationship from our past relationships that ended.
You’ve already learned something valuable. You’ll be OK.
Jason, this comment is for you. One day you will find another that you love and you will make darned sure that you are not “a worthless boyfriend.” Your words my friend, not mine.
I hope you can look back at Jess someday and be thankful that you learned who you do not want to be in a love relationship. Your future lady will be grateful.
We can all learn what we want in another relationship, what we won’t tolerate in another relationship, and what we, ourselves, will not become again in another relationship from our past relationships that ended.
Please remember that it takes two to tango. You’ll be OK.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head, you did it. Advice comes at the perfect time.
Got him out of my house but he is living in detached garage, he just needs to go a little bit further to get gone. Sag. me, Taurus him. & he don’t like the word ‘enabler’.
When you in love and break up the pain dont last forever sometime you have to pick up the pieces and move on their aint nobody in this world worth taking your life or someone else life over.
Well the article is real life is real. Life even with a good relationship might not be a bed of roses. We all have to be realistic here. If you are in you mid 50,s or so you might think about giving up. Especialyif the one you really loved is dead and there can’t be an end or did it end 35 years ago. Two failed marriages and you gave your best and done all you could do. My dad god rest his soul always had this philosophy about work, when you’ve done all you really can do then put it behind you it is really done. If someone wants to change or do more then let them have it they might not get back where you was. You all have my heart even if you were my ex. but you wasn’t that lucky or we might still be together. I can’t help if someone out there is hoping for a last minute relationship. I have to go my way for one earl dementia has me on the early side of retirement. I will go on, I will survive and he world will turn. My advice would be to watch for the sun to shine on your face in the morning and catch as many good sunsets as possible. Do what you can and let the ruff end drag. Don’t look back at lies that intimidate you are try to make you look bad. God knows and he really cares isn’t this what you would like to do, store up your gold for heaven and find peace in god.
How can I forgive my EX and not hate him after finding his child pornography? It’s been 8 years since I found it and divorced him. Turned him over to the cops. I still hate him. I’m a kind, gentle person, don’t want to hate or hurt anybody but this….I can’t get past it.
I’m a very small woman so I attract these types. Now, I don’t date at all for fear of attracting another one like him.
am missing my ex jess because I was worthless boyfriend.
Jesse – I just had this conversation the other day with my divorced friend – we were happy to be able to laugh about the good times all of us had together as friends – i thought this was a great idea for an article. You nailed it~ an inspirational message and a really great perspective. Thanks.
~LJ
I feel like I just took a long look in a well-lighted mirror.
Good morning? everyone has “problems and frailties”; to wait for someone without will leave one single. It is deciphering whether the problems and frailties can be worked on or not, and if the person is willing to be helped. Of course if there is enough interest or care in one person for another. We can’t help who we are drawn to. Yet, figuring out why, and being intelligent enough to see where we’re going, will lead us to either learn from the experience in a safer way (instead of being blind sighted and crash), or finding happiness with a person. And the only thing that’s going to bring forth this clarity, is open and honest, accepting communication. That’s how people either grow together, or don’t. Anything else traps one in a negative cycle. And I think that for as much one may love another, and your heart is breaking, that it would be better to go through an open conversation (calm or else men hide inside themselves right in front of you) and if you don’t hear what you wish, you take some time alone to cry, soul search until clarity comes and you move on. Again, if he’s yours, then he will be, but most often despite how much it may hurt, he’ll never be without letting him go first. People are not ready at the same time, there’s always one with emotional issues or what have you. it isn’t their fault and it isn’t yours. But instead of being hurt and stressed out, think of your desires, intentions for the future – good thoughts – while you spend some time around friends and family so to strengthen yourself until your dreams come true. We can’t control when another is ready or if they’ll ever be, but we can control saying all we wish to communicate to that person; and only from there can we begin to take care of ourselves until that bright shiny day comes. Good luck to all the beautiful souls out there ~ Mary Castellana
This was very inspirational. I am one of those people who has to ‘save’ everyone, even when they don’t want to be saved. I feel as if I am the victim but I a am really trying to be a savior. Not being appreciated is very hard, but that is because I let myself be used to get love. Sad, I know, but such is life. I am an enabler, until I said “enough” to my drug addicted alcoholic boyfriend and put him out. I have an ex-husband who is a good man, and I messed up that relationship. I don’t feel as if I deserve love or that anyone loves me. This article says things I already knew, but seeing it n black and white has made a big difference. Thanks!
Thank you very much for article. I feel much better now. I think I can move on now and never look back. If I do is just to share my experience with others. Past is a great lesson of our life.
Peony
My Parents broke us up I have an BOYFRIEND in San jose and I’am in S.L.O
Eric Ojeda is Real friend and KEEPER for Real
I Hate being Everybody’s Victim!
Eric Ojeda was having great time
He is An gift of a friend a song .
Thank you so much for the truth I needed! This will help me move past being used, being an enabler and help me to heal from HIS open wounds. Thank you so much!
I want to say thank you because this is exactly how I feel… I do still hold bad feelings toward my ex, not because I’m holding on but because she keeps attacking me through social media making me seem like a monster. I don’t care that we’re through, I just wish she had the guts to be real instead of making me a monster so her new love won’t see what kind of cheating monster she is…
When am I going to get my life back. Finicially and health and employment and my family finances back on track.
I love this article, but I don’t know how to get over ’bout my ex he’d always flashed in my mind, but I want him out of my mind for the rest of my life. I know God has a plan better than him.
I am frustrated with my X because she is sickly and I want a Baby; and cannot be conceive! So I need to find a productive woman! I need to know if I will succeed
my husban pass away so you dont know every thing
Thank you Jesse for such important things to remember. I felt a deep peace while reading your article – aproaching a past relationship like this feels very beneficial. It is time to get rid of all this behaviour thats so much supported by most of society and even our friends. I went through an ugly break up a couple of years ago – and it took a long time to recognise that I also played a huge part in this drama – just as you said the victim is a very powerful position-
Thank you for sharing your wisdom
I would like to talk with Jesse at Ext. 9027 when she’s available….thank you. Lynn
Thank you ! This is just what I’m going through , your insite is on the spot right ! Although , I’m still in love with this person and can’t help to wonder if there’s still a chance for recocilation ?
Well Thanks a lot for the good advice its help me more possitive
,
When will I meet the Love of my life, My sole mate…Is Stan the man?
I feel lonely and sad…
Every time that i had e relationship it is breaking. I don’t know what is going on. I feel so right now, I don’t have any place in my heart for any man. My heart is breaking.