I’ve known my boyfriend for two years. Recently we haven’t been having sex. I asked him about it and he told me it’s a “seasonal” thing, a break that his body takes. He just turned 30. I’m 22 and think it’s strange that we haven’t been intimate for three weeks. He told me that he’s going through a lot so sex isn’t on his mind. He also reassured me that he isn’t cheating and is still very much attracted to me. I believe him. But it’s hard when I know he’s constantly seeing his lady friends at odd hours in the night because two of them are going through some relationship problems. I’ve been there and was fortunate to have a friend do the same for me a few years back, so I try to put this into consideration. What do you think?
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sexless,
Wow – three whole weeks! You poor baby! Okay, don’t mean to make fun of you. That is a long time for a couple as young as you both. Here’s the thing – Dr. Kinsey discovered decades ago in his sex research that there is no “normal” – there are people all over the spectrum in terms of sexual appetite and activity. And, to validate what your guy told you – when we’re stressed, one of the first things to go out the window is sex drive. So, none of that is concerning me too much, but what I don’t like in your question is the fact that he’s “constantly seeing lady friends at odd hours in the night.” Monogamy is more than just not having sex outside of your relationship, it’s also being socially monogamous – only spending time with members of the opposite sex who are not our partner when the situation is healthy and safe, like in public places during the day or with our partner present. If he’s helping “damsels in distress” and you’re not comfortable about it, it’s perfectly fair of you to ask that he 1: include you in these late-night “therapeutic” visits, 2: be available for them only by phone after dark, 3: give them the number of a nearby “love coach” or therapist to relieve him of these duties. And, if his sexual disinterest continues, ask that he have a physical to see if there’s something physically wrong with him or if he’s perhaps depressed – the other main reason libido goes down the drain. If he “checks out” to be alright and the relationship seems to be fine otherwise, it may just be that you have incompatible sex drives and only you can know how important that is to you or not.
Get going!
Carol
I met a man a year and a half ago. I’ve visited him six or seven times at his expense. He lives two states away from me and he calls me twice to three times a day, every day. However, he doesn’t seem any closer to me really being “with” him than I was in the beginning of our relationship. I know that I love this man, although I’ve never told him because he’s never told me, either. Everyone tells me he must feel something or he wouldn’t pay for my trips to see him, but I feel like since I only see him every few months or so he’s comfortable with this and may “never” want to live with me or marry me… Am I wasting my time with him?
Afraid To Ask
Dear Afraid To Ask,
Darling! My, my, my – why are you asking me all about this and not HIM? Sounds like you’re not communicating with this guy at all – you’re not asking him what the “terms” of your relationship are, you’re not telling him how you feel, and you’re not sure what he wants. ASK HIM! You can do this in a playful, fun way. ‘Cause here’s the rule, as my friend, the author love coach Lauren Frances says, “Until a man tells you he’s the one, HE’S NOT.” If a man hasn’t “claimed” you by giving you his exclusivity and asking for yours, then you should KEEP DATING OTHERS until he does. Most couples become ENGAGED to be married by a year and a half. Your guy may just want a non-exclusive, “halfway” relationship. And guess what? There are women who would want that, too! If that’s not you, then you need to find out his love goals and if they jive with yours (and PLEASE, PEOPLE – do this with all dates RIGHT AWAY so you don’t waste tons of time “wondering.”) If not, it’s a big world and I assure you, you can find someone whose goals will match your own. Go for it!
Good luck,
Carol
