Enlightening Answers: A Difficult Marriage and a Man-Boy

I’ve been going through a very difficult time in my marriage for many years. It all began when I was pregnant with my second child. Up to that point things were fantastic. Little by little my husband turned outside the marriage for his fulfillment in such things as golf, playing cards and drinking socially. He began staying out later and later. Over the years – now my baby is nineteen years old – I’ve become bitter, lonely and resentful. He does whatever he wants. My husband is reliable. He goes to work religiously but isn’t here with me emotionally or spiritually. What’s going on with us?

Married But Mateless

Dear Mateless,

An interesting point I couldn’t help but notice was, “Up to that point things were fantastic…” Here’s what’s going on with you: I’m not a therapist, but it sounds to me like you’re married to a Narcissist. Narcissists need to be the center of attention – when your needs take priority (like when you’re pregnant), they become angry to the point of competing with their own children! When they feel like the child wins the wife’s attention (’cause as a mother you have no choice but to focus on an infant), the Narcissist will withdraw and get their needs met elsewhere. What you need to do is read up on the topic (a great book is Why Is It Always About YOU – The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss) and learn to set better boundaries. Start by trying to drop your resentment and seeing if you can build any sort of a friendship with him slowly. Try to take an interest in his life. If he responds, see if you can build more goodwill between you so that you can start communicating and actually getting your needs met, as well! If he doesn’t seem open to your efforts, then I’d ask him to seek therapy with you. If he won’t, I’d leave. This is no longer a marriage – you deserve to have a partner who can actually see you and your feelings, too.

Good luck,
Carol

Six weeks ago I ended a relationship with a man-boy, whom I love. Two nights ago man-boy called. We had an excellent talk and I realized how hurt and angry he is. My question is this…. I’m a Chinese medicine doctor and we view some of these emotions as being stagnant Qi in the body. I know I could help him and move some of his stagnation so he could address his stuff more clearly. I want to be friends with him. But am I sending the wrong message to the universe by staying connected to him? Should I just leave him to deal with his own stuff and focus on manifesting what I really want?

Wanting To Needle Him

Dear Wanting,

While it’s lovely to want to help him, you’re right to question if it’s a good idea for you. If you’re clear you no longer want “man-boy” but are ready for a “man-man,” then I’d encourage you to not be his healer or friend – at least for a while. Once you’ve been physically and emotionally intimate with someone, it’s extremely difficult to quickly shift gears. You say you love him, and you therefore have developed a strong attachment to him, so your brain and body will respond to him for many months to come. You need some space and time to untangle your connection. It’s a big world with many Chinese doctors – suggest he seek help from a colleague if you must. Then give your breakup time to stick.

Get going!
Carol