I’ve been friends with an ex for two years since we broke up, but just recently cut all ties because he hit on me. I’m so angry. I really don’t want to be friends anymore, but we had become such close friends that it feels lonely without him. But if he has feelings for me, how can that work?
Signed,
Friends With No Benefits
Dear Friends,
Forgive my massive generalization… but I ran this by two excellent experts on men (okay, my co-hosts on “Enlightening Relationships” – Eric and Armand) and I have to say I agree with them, so here’s what they think: Men pretty much always want to have sex. And it’s a known fact from brain studies that men can keep the “sex” part of their brain and the “love” parts separate, which women have much more difficulty doing (like we needed brain studies to tell us that!). So, your ex may have no problem taking your rejection in stride and going back to your platonic “buddy-buddy” arrangement. In other words, he may be attracted to you, but not have “feelings” for you. He may have just been “checking things out” to see if he could cross that line, since you’re someone he’s close to and since you’ve explored those parts of each other before. And even if he does have said “feelings,” he may be able to put them back on the shelf and enjoy you without that hanky-panky stuff getting in the way. So, talk to the man. See if he can handle your strict boundaries and honor the friendship you’ve forged, and if he can, then stay friends. We all think there’s no reason to give him up. And hey, why not take his actions as a compliment, knowing you’ve still got “it?”
Good luck!
Carol
I experienced a horrible situation during a relationship that took off so positively in the beginning of December. All of a sudden the man cut me off without closure or explanation. He was so incredibly receptive and the energy was electric. It’s painful. How do you explain this sort of thing?
Signed,
Gone Without Warning
Dear Gone,
Oh my dear! There are only about eight bajillion reasons that could “explain” your sad tale of woe, the main one being that you only just met the man – the beginning of December was just last month, so you hardly knew him. Real trust takes time – experts say nine months to three years. So despite it seeming like “all systems go,” in the blush of infatuation and starry-eyed new love we all have to have a “wait and see” attitude because anything can happen, including heartbreak. If he wasn’t kind enough or man enough to give you any explanation or closure, consider yourself fortunate your “relationship” was so short-lived because clearly he isn’t healthy or mature enough for more. So, have a good cry, move on and take your time before you decide that a man that’s “incredibly receptive” is one you can trust.
Good luck!
Carol
