I’d like to understand why I’m unable to shake my attraction to my ex-husband. Despite the deceptions, disappointments and pain, I’ve still been drawn to him and tempted when he’s come around. Do humans ever learn or do we even have a choice here? Is this animal instinct type stuff? I’d like to know that understanding and closure is possible. If so, might this awareness also help prevent repeat performances in future relationships?
Signed,
Hot For The Ex
Dear Hot,
Attraction is a powerful, illogical thing that does involve our instinctive, animal nature. At the same time, closure definitely is possible, and you do have a choice in the matter! You have to get clear about your boundaries here, and may need help from a counselor or support group to do so (there’s even a couple of 12-step groups dedicated to sex and love addiction, and from what you’re describing you’re a classic candidate. You can find meetings in your area online). The fact that you can’t resist the charms of another despite their bad behavior means you may have some unresolved trauma or emotional abuse from your childhood that makes you feel powerless in similar situations. If you don’t get help, this dynamic will repeat in future relationships, and will probably continue with your ex. So recognize that you’re lacking the emotional tools to overcome this by yourself – but I promise you, with help you can.
Go get it!
Carol
I met a guy online and we hit it off. We’ve been emailing for almost a year (day and night), before he goes to work and when he comes home. We supported each other’s deep moments. When he lost his job and had problems with his kids and ex-wife, we talked and prayed together until he recovered and was stable again. He said he couldn’t commit himself to me until we met in person. But at Christmas I found out he’s dating someone he met in the middle of last year. I talked to him about it. Prior to this we had a wonderful, playful and supportive relationship and were just waiting for him to find the time to meet me in person. But now, he’s become silent and has ignored all my calls and emails. I don’t know what happened to our effortless relationship. Where do I go from here? Is there hope in all this? Must I wait until he decides to talk again?
Signed,
Cyber-Sad
Dear Cyber-Sad,
No – you don’t have to wait until he decides to talk again – please don’t! This whole “relationship” has been about waiting – waiting for him to get his life together, waiting for him to “find the time to meet” you, waiting for him to commit. You’ve waited enough, but he wasn’t waiting – he was dating, and you should be, too! So, have a good cry, and thank God he didn’t commit to you, as he clearly is too immature to meet your needs. Then thank the Gods of technology for the miracle of being able to meet total strangers online, and meet some more (only within a ten mile radius from now on). And don’t ever have an email “relationship” again – it’s too easy to fall for someone’s words and who they want you to think they are. In order to have the commitment you want, you must be able to connect and build something real in person. Consider this crashed cyber-friendship a good lesson and good practice and get “back on that horse.”
Good luck,
Carol
